Depression Understood Forums

I'm writing this because I'm hoping someone can help me figure out what's wrong with me. I know I should probably see a doctor or something but I'm not ready to, so I guess I'm just hoping someone will read this and give me some advice on what's wrong. I'm twenty years old and in college. My whole life has always been pretty great, I have a good family,lots of close friends, guys have always liked me, but deep down I just haven't been happy for awhile now. I used to go out and party with my friends all the time and it would be fun, but over the past year it seems that every time I drink I end up crying or getting into a fight with someone over something stupid. I used to date a guy for a long time but I broke up with him in January. While we were dating I cheated on him at school more than once and I guess I still feel guilty about it. Lately several guys have tried to talk to me but I end up screwing up every relationship. Sometimes I think I do it on purpose like subconsciously. Every time I start to like someone I pick a fight and end up pushing them away. This has happened so many times, that I just assume its going to happen and it's like I'm okay with it. Sometimes I feel like I don't really even want to be happy, how messed up is that? Another thing that I don't know if it has to do with anything but I feel like I should mention is this year when I was really drunk one night I was kind of sexually assaulted by someone I knew (I don't know if sexually assaulted is the right terminology because he didn't physically hurt me or anything) but I've never really told anyone and most of the time I forget it even happened. I feel like I can't talk about it because if I hadn't of been drunk in the first place it wouldn't of even happened. I have also always been very self-conscious and had a horrible self esteem even though I know guys have always thought I am attractive. Lately things have been really bad with my friends and I feel like if I don't change soon they are going to get fed up with my negative attitude, crying, picking fights, etc. Sometimes I get so upset that I think about killing myself, lately I think about it more and more. I have never actually tried to but I'm scared that one day I might feel so hopeless that I do. I just don't know what to do from here because telling my parents isn't an option at the moment. I think I might have depression or bipolar disorder but I really don't know.

Hi there Marley. It's nice to meet you. I'm really sorry your going through such a rough time. I don't think that you really never want be happy ... I mean after all you came here for help right ? That's a start !!

About the fact you think you may have been assaulted if someone did that to you even if you were drunk that is wrong 100 %. There is never any excuse for someone to do that to another person. I know you said that you feel like you can't talk about it but if you ever need to PLEASE do. Something like that can be pretty tough to handle when you feel holding it inside is the only option. You can talk to a friend or a counselor or even somebody on this website here. Anytime 24 - 7

Just please remember that suicide is never EVER an option. Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on life. Hell I know what a horrible place the world can be sometimes and I know that it hurts most when you start to doubt yourself and the people around you but you have to hang on.

The most important thing to remember is you have to believe and have faith in yourself because sometimes that's all you have !!

If you feel like you can't then come here. There is always someone here that will listen. Sometimes through the eyes and advice of a stranger you can see things in life that you never have before.



Just don't give up okay.

Oh and p.s. No more drinking !! I bet your too beautiful a person to ever really need that junk anyway. All it does is hurt your body and cause trouble.