At the end of my rope (no pun intended)

[Kneller]

I'm writing this after just browsing the rope selection at Home Depot.

I had cancer a while back. I can't remember exactly when anymore, but I think it was a little less than 10 years ago. I spent a year sick and mostly bed-ridden. I had two surgeries and a bout of radiation treatment which permanently damaged my sense of smell and taste as well as gave me a degenerative vision condition (though the later was later corrected). This is all no big deal compared to what followed.

I was supposed to start a Ph.D. program when I was diagnosed. Instead, I had to defer for a year for treatment. After treatment, I started it up, but it didn't work out. I had changed too much over the course of cancer, and I was not a good fit for this line of work anymore.

So, I left. I had some good credentials behind me and decent work experience. I figured it was only a matter of time until I found something that was a good fit. No dice. The only job I could find was a shitty retail job, and it even took me six months to find that. I spend the next four years trying to get into a career-oriented position in human services. After FOUR YEARS, the only thing I could find was a lowest of the totem pole job at a child service agency. I was fine with this, though. I excelled in the position and did anything (ethical) I could to be their top choice for the next management position that opened up.

And, they liked my work. I was regularly commended on my performance. But, perhaps they were just blowing smoke up my ass as they recently decided to close all full-time positions and give the work to part-timers who make a fraction of what I make/made (which wasn't much). No management, just a swift kick out the door (along with some other coworkers). I feel ambivalent about this. On one hand, being thrown out sucks. On the other hand, this agency turned out to be run by a very underhanded and sleazy group of people, so losing association with them is probably good karma.

For this entire time, I had been living in terrible, sometimes pest-ridden, cramped apartments. I haven't even dated, as where I live has been an embarrassment, I'm underemployed, and my future job prospects are non-existent. I'm already in my mid-30s, so I don't see much of a point in it anymore anyway. Besides, I probably couldn't get a date even if I tried. I'm plain, I'm broke, and I think the last 10 years have really killed my personality.

I'm getting sick of people telling me that it's just a rough patch and that things will get better. It's been a DECADE of this, and entire DECADE! This isn't a rough patch. In all probability, this is the rest of my life. And it's miserable. I felt better when I had cancer. I refuse to go into my 40s with this being my life.

I don't even know why I'm writing this here. I've seen other forum responses here, and it's usually terribly unhelpful platitudes and cliches. No offense, but that's usually what it is. But, hey, it's an internet forum, what can one really expect out of it? So, I don't expect anyone to solve my problems, or even respond to this. I think this might just be my first draft at my final note. I know my family would have a hard time dealing with my passing, but I can't keep carrying this weight just for the sake of their peace of mind.

[Lost Ingrid]

You still have anger : seems to be a sign of willpower. You must have excellent inner strength to be in remission as well. I envy you for that strength as my only strength is anger inwardly directed.
Do you want to be saved or were you looking for a nod and details on how to loop the rope? Have you anyone you can get together with in person to talk to? I think you came here for relief. Personally I fear surviving an attempt or worse, finding out that while my physical body is gone, I still get to feel all this shame, guilt and sorrow indefinitely.
It might be time to talk to a pro if a friend or family member isn't an option. You are clearly very intelligent but your emotions might be clouding your judgment.

I truly hope you find what you are looking for as you seem to have endured a lot of hardship

[Alaska1958]

I'd say that you have a point about what help you may find here. Mostly we can offer a group of people who can relate to you and the problems you're having. It can be helpful to just commiserate with people who have been there too.

I wish I could offer yous ome real help .