Just lost
Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2014 12:02 am
I know that I am not alone. I know you are there, I know there are others. Why doesn't this knowledge help?
I struggle to get out of bed when I know there is nothing to do.... nothing that used to keep me occupied works anymore. I have no interests, and the day to day tasks just hurt.
I used to love to cook, now I dread it. Every day I still cook, but I don't want the food. I don't want to eat. Everything makes me feel sick to my stomach. Today I went to the market and had a really hard time planning the family meals because everything looked disgusting.
I spent my night researching suicide... this is clearly not the answer. I've tried before and failed so I will likely fail again and end up worse than I am now...
I watch too much TV just to pass the time. It is not making me happy.
Why can't I find one enjoyable thing in my day? Just one... just one...
I'm reaching out to this forum in pure desperation. I can't die but I can't continue to live this way either.
I don't know what I need.. I don't know where to go from here.. My hope is that joining this forum by itself will make a difference. Nothing else has.
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but I've never been this bad. There was always something to distract me before.
Music, movies, games, food, family, friends, pets, meds..., therapy
I get nothing now, from any of these things. It's all just going through the motions. Putting on a mask for others. Pretending I'm ok with the hope that one day I'll believe it too.
I know this post is a hot mess .. I'm kind of numb in general. Which I think is worse than being miserable. I feel blank. I feel wasted. I feel useless. I feel like a burden to others.
I know there is no easy answer.... but I decided to write this instead of a suicide note which I hope is a step in the right direction.
I struggle to get out of bed when I know there is nothing to do.... nothing that used to keep me occupied works anymore. I have no interests, and the day to day tasks just hurt.
I used to love to cook, now I dread it. Every day I still cook, but I don't want the food. I don't want to eat. Everything makes me feel sick to my stomach. Today I went to the market and had a really hard time planning the family meals because everything looked disgusting.
I spent my night researching suicide... this is clearly not the answer. I've tried before and failed so I will likely fail again and end up worse than I am now...
I watch too much TV just to pass the time. It is not making me happy.
Why can't I find one enjoyable thing in my day? Just one... just one...
I'm reaching out to this forum in pure desperation. I can't die but I can't continue to live this way either.
I don't know what I need.. I don't know where to go from here.. My hope is that joining this forum by itself will make a difference. Nothing else has.
I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but I've never been this bad. There was always something to distract me before.
Music, movies, games, food, family, friends, pets, meds..., therapy
I get nothing now, from any of these things. It's all just going through the motions. Putting on a mask for others. Pretending I'm ok with the hope that one day I'll believe it too.
I know this post is a hot mess .. I'm kind of numb in general. Which I think is worse than being miserable. I feel blank. I feel wasted. I feel useless. I feel like a burden to others.
I know there is no easy answer.... but I decided to write this instead of a suicide note which I hope is a step in the right direction.