Just lost

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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justlost
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Mar 27, 2014 11:39 pm

Just lost

Postby justlost » Fri Mar 28, 2014 12:02 am

I know that I am not alone. I know you are there, I know there are others. Why doesn't this knowledge help?

I struggle to get out of bed when I know there is nothing to do.... nothing that used to keep me occupied works anymore. I have no interests, and the day to day tasks just hurt.

I used to love to cook, now I dread it. Every day I still cook, but I don't want the food. I don't want to eat. Everything makes me feel sick to my stomach. Today I went to the market and had a really hard time planning the family meals because everything looked disgusting.

I spent my night researching suicide... this is clearly not the answer. I've tried before and failed so I will likely fail again and end up worse than I am now...

I watch too much TV just to pass the time. It is not making me happy.

Why can't I find one enjoyable thing in my day? Just one... just one...

I'm reaching out to this forum in pure desperation. I can't die but I can't continue to live this way either.

I don't know what I need.. I don't know where to go from here.. My hope is that joining this forum by itself will make a difference. Nothing else has.

I've been depressed for as long as I can remember but I've never been this bad. There was always something to distract me before.

Music, movies, games, food, family, friends, pets, meds..., therapy

I get nothing now, from any of these things. It's all just going through the motions. Putting on a mask for others. Pretending I'm ok with the hope that one day I'll believe it too.

I know this post is a hot mess .. I'm kind of numb in general. Which I think is worse than being miserable. I feel blank. I feel wasted. I feel useless. I feel like a burden to others.

I know there is no easy answer.... but I decided to write this instead of a suicide note which I hope is a step in the right direction.

Frame
Moderator
Posts: 1081
Joined: Mon Jun 17, 2013 11:25 am
Location: Pennsylvania

Rhythm

Postby Frame » Fri Mar 28, 2014 4:55 pm

Hi justlost;

I hope this response doesn't feel like a high jack but I am speaking to your feelings. I hope it seems that way.

I've been thinking about and writing about rhythm lately. After all, polarity, bipolarity, bipolarity type II; there all about the swinging rhythms of emotion aren't they? Societal depressions like the "Great" depression a century ago [and it was great wasn't it? No? Well, I guess you had to be there.] are always preceded by a high flying euphoria. People don't like to connect the two; that's why we don't call it the "Great Swing" even though everyone knows the depression was a natural and integrated progression from the "Roaring Twenties". We like to think we ride a wave of exuberance with out ever crashing. Well, that is what commercial advertisers want us to think. And they have good reason; national growth of any society based on consumerism is at heart a pyramid scheme. But we as individuals set the limits of how far we are willing to fall by how high we are willing to fly. OK, there are plenty of people urging us on, but it's still for us to act.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about meds., and the depths of depression, and rhythm, and stability. When we can remember the feeling of how good Good felt, then bad feels that much worse. And when times dictate that good times are far and few between, then it's reasonable to me that, we feel as bad as we can for long stretches. Medication tends to narrow that band to highs and lows so we can have long stretches of, not quite so low. But that doesn't mean we are happy. Are hearts and bodies and minds can still remember that unreasonable exuberance. And even when the good times come, the highs are never quite as high as they once were. And sure, we want that. So what is the answer? How do we feel happy again? Well, I'm no expert but I think I have discovered part of what works for me; two parts really.

The first part is to realize that the rhythm of the world is in decline, that we are not alone, things right now are harder for most people, less certain. If we can accept that we are in good company, then I think things can be easier.

The second part is that, if we can accept that the highs of bipolarity are not to be, if we accept that, then the lows won't seem so low. More over, if we forget the emotional past, let it go, then doing things we used to love ceases to always come up short. If we accept that good is as good as it gets, that the happy we feel on meds. is good enough then doing the things we love can become worth while once more.

There are many things we can do to help the quality and stability of our lives. Lot's of posts here, justlost, speak of these things. And that can raise the whole cycle. But if I embrace that I'm going to be on antidepressants, I need to accept that doing things I like are going only going to squirt just so much dopamine into my brain and go with what ever results. The alternative is to not do things at all, but in a cognitive way, I can't accept that.


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