Depression Understood Forums

I used to have social anxiety when I was a kid. Now as an adult, I realize how lonely I am... and I got very sad. I invested my time in a useless hobby; digital art. I couldn't finish my classes, I felt stupid and I hated seeing people. I hate how I try to make an effort to see someone. A friend or anyone, and they only want to see me because I pay for everything. I've struggled with jobs and to keep jobs because of being depressed.
Im not good with words but I'm hoping to know if someone can relate.

Your feelings are very familiar.

It's a warm feeling to be part of a group, safely in the middle of a crowd. But for the most part everyone is somewhere closer to the edges. Some of us are very far out. I'm learning after 52 years, that some people are not easily happy; doesn't matter why really, things don't feel good for long, don't last. So I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to be happy, searching for those things, doing what has made me happy in the past. It's very hard to you our best if we are miserable.

So let's say your depressed. Let's say it's the opposite of being happy. And let's say your doing your art because it's one of the few things that make you happy. Rather than useless, I think I would call that essential.

Now, of course it's not that simple. There is much more involved in your post and what you haven't said in your post. But the world thinks so highly of the pursuit of happiness that's it's protected by more than one nations constitution. So your not doing wrong. I've come to the conclusion that for some people (me for one), being happy (no matter what we do) is a life challenge. I know it's cold comfort. But your not alone. There are things you can do that help. And it may be something that will become part of your life's work. And that's OK.

Actually, artist2, for me it's less a problem of what I spend my time doing and more a problem of what I spend my time not doing. Some of the things I avoid doing, (picking up, cleaning, shaving, exercise) I can overcome with practice, effort, and attention. But there are a host of things, (arithmetic, responding to letters, reading documents, doing the same thing day in and day out) that prove difficult enough that they just don't get done reliably.

But to tell myself that I don't deserve to do things that bring me joy (if and when I can find them,) because I haven't done what I should have done... well, it might sound morally correct, but I haven't found it to be corrective or productive. It's important that we use the skills and talents we have to make our lives the most they can be.