Depression Understood Forums

So, I'm new. Maybe you saw my introduction post in the intro forum, maybe not. Doesn't matter, I just posted it as a matter of some vaguely defined etiquette obligation. Nothing of substance there. I figured the substance fitted here, since I gotta tell a story for there to be any context for how badly I need to hear the right thing to make me think there's still a reason to do anydamnthing.

Nothing before April 14, 1994 matters. I was fine before then. The only time in my life I was fine. Nowadays when people ask me how I am, I respond "F.I.N.E." - an acronym for messed up (curse word edited by moderator), insecure, neurotic, emotional. That was the day my mom died.

My grades went to shit. I dropped out of school. Did a bunch of stupid, rebellious things, none of which were constructive. Fell in love with a girl, spent ten years chasing her, gave up, attempted suicide ("I missed!"). Spent the last 20 years so lonely I couldn't move, everyone telling me I was depressed, only just recently realized what should have been obvious to everyone. I always knew I wasn't depressed... I was -SAD-. Finally occurred to me the other day it was really PTSD from my Mom dying.

So then my Dad died too. Truly alone in the world at that point. Social reject and still am. I have two friends, they live a combined total of 2500 miles from me. Good friends, true friends, but none near me.

So the last 20 years are gone, I finally find a woman insane and imbalanced enough to save me from the years of loneliness and incel, and lo and behold all the p-docs and therapists were wrong, I was right, I'm not SAD! anymore. I get all hyped up to pick up my life like I always planned to and I go back to school...

And I reach the point where I realize I'm 35, broke, have no prospects of clearing a decent living before I'm 40 minimum, and the only thing I have any ambition at all for in life has a retirement age of 34. What I have is falling apart, what I want I'll never get, and I don't see any point to anything. NOW I'm depressed. I don't know what to do. Going to school has been a wate of time, all it's getting me is debt that I'll never be able to repay. Xmas break is over Tuesday and I don't want to go back, I dread it worse than death itself. I don't know what to do. Help.

Hello,

So to hear you are struggling.
I know exactly how it feels as I have dropped out of college and now I don't do anything, only suffer from depression.

It's good you are reaching out here though.

Maybe it's worth seeing your GP and talking to them about how you feel? See if they can refer you to a counsellor maybe?
It's always worth a try.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.
Depression is a very hard illness, and we can fight this, we just need to believe in ourselves.

Take care.

(((Hugs)))

Hello XRayHound,

I read your other post, "Failed at life, don't see any reason to do anything"
I don't think you have failed as your life isn't over yet, what you have is time and when you have time you can still make changes.
In your opinion, what does one need to achieve to not fail in life?

I'm glad you figured out that it was PTSD. Have you now come to terms with your mom and dad's death? It is so hard to lose someone you love, there will always be a hole in your heart, you will miss them but death is just another stage in life we will all go through. I won't go into talking about death.

You have closed your eyes and now when you open them, years have gone by, you can't get those years back but you can start living now. You will be playing catch up now so more of a reason to do something and not waste anymore time. The question is, what do you want in life? It's not an easy question to answer and plus it can always change. It doesn't have to be a job, it can be anything.

I see that you are focusing on your career. What are you currently studying?
You know your ideal job has a retirement age of 34 so you will have to look at something else. I'm guessing that it is some sort of sport so can you look at jobs relating to it? What are your talents? Does it have to be a job you enjoy or do you want to make lots of money? Have a think about what it is that you want to get out of it.

x

CrazyLady: I don't have a GP, nor any health insurance. Wish I did, medical bills from my hobby contribute to my negative net worth, as well.

Ieris: I don't think I'll ever come to terms with my mom's death, she was the only person I ever felt truly loved by, and she had the almost magical, goddess like power to always tell me what I needed to hear to overcome. If she had lived just six more years my life would be drastically different.

I'm studying to be a mechanical engineer but the money is going to run out and my brain doesn't get along with math anymore. I was a sheer genius back in the day... I never made less than a 99 average in any class until my mom got sick. I was doing algebra and trig when I was 11 on the level of the college classes I'm struggling with now. I also feel I lack the creativity to be an engineer. I'd be happier as a machinist or drafter but they don't pay. And machinists and welders are a dime a dozen here.

It is a sport, I want to race motorcycles. This is approximately the fifth most expensive thing one can do with one's time, behind private aviation, sailing, automobile racing, and heroin addiction. Any career aspirations I have are merely to fund it, I don't really want to do any job at all. I have my talents, but they're impossible to sell either because they're impractical in the society we live in or I lack pieces of paper saying I possess them.

Oh fair enough.
Is there anyway you can get some money together to visit or GP? Or any health doctor? Because I would urge you to see someone for some practical help. It could may help you.

Ah sounds lovely.
Have you thought about volunteering somewhere for a few hours a day? Just to keep your mind busy etc?...

I cant even bare to think what its like to lose your parents. Im finding it difficult to even write this part as I'm a little in denial when it comes to my parents leaving me one day so can't make any suggestions regarding this, sorry!

How long do your have left on your course? Does it allow any free time to do some part time work on the side? It's pretty normal to get bored of something when you're dealing with it all the time but as you have enrolled on this course already then stick to it unless you have a plan B. Many people complain about their jobs but they are there because it pays or they can't find anything better. At the end of the day work is work, earn some money and then do whatever you enjoy in your own time. It's hard to find a job you love but also pays well, usually it's one or the other so you need to make a choice.

You pretty much have it all thought out, you know what your options are.
Money may be more important at the moment in your situation so make the right choices now so that it will be easier later x

And choices, Hound, are an important word to keep in mind.

I've said before, that I think depression has a way of narrowing our vision, closing doors, making it hard to see our options or even the choices we are making. Many of our life struggles force us to develop habits that may get us through the day, but blind us to our full set of choices.

Increasing our opportunity to succeed, I believe, requires that we work hard to be aware of every option and every choice we make; that we don't make choices automatically, but with mindfulness.

I do agree with all above.
We have to make diffcukt choices in life to be where we wanna be today.