Depression Understood Forums

I don't really have a journal, but I've recently been writing down whatever has been bothering me on random word documents on my laptop. So, even though writing on this forum might be somewhat the same, it's not particularly easy for me to do.

I'm pretty sure I'm depressed.

Not the sort of depression that maybe you'd have a bad day, but the next you'd bounce back and try to keep things going with the right foot forward. I'm pretty miserable. And even though I know it sucks and it won't help me any feeling sorry for myself, it still happens and I'm unable to prevent it.

I'm 21 but I don't even feel any age anymore. I just sort of exist or something. 2010 was an awesome year, because I ended up going to college and my parents were super proud of me for making it even though I never really wanted to go. My grades throughout high school dropped a lot to the point where I knew I was struggling but did nothing to improve like studying more, actually doing homework (or doing them well) or finding tutors.

In college, I ended up being put on academic suspension since I just lacked the motivation to do anything. Sucks worse because I'm sure I have problems with anxiety. I saw the disappointment in my parents grow, and I just spent a lot of days there going on long walks and trying to convince myself that if I don't change anything, my life is only going to suck even worse. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to fail out of college. And I haven't told anyone that. Mostly because I'd be proving everyone right since their perception of me is of some slacker who likely won't achieve anything great in life.

I hate when people try to help me, but at the same time, I'd like to find someone who I can relate to.

My family and I moved to where we currently live from another state ten years ago or so. I left behind a lot of super close friends (even though I left as a 4th grader) and never wanted to make new ones in our new town. So as a result, I just pushed people away thinking one day we'd move back, and now I have pretty much no friends. I have an over-active imagination and I'm too critical of people.

I used to have people I talked to and tried to make at least new friends from time to time, but none of em ever last mostly for my own fault. The icing on the cake was when I tried to hunt down those old friends on facebook, and while some remembered me, they ended up un-friending me since our lives had changed since 4th grade.

I've never had a friend to talk to about things (relationships, school, family problems, anything). I've just kept to myself. Now I wish I did make the effort, because I'm just really lonely and no one around me can relate at all.

I have some issues with anger I guess, although it's more like being annoyed. I'm never short-tempered or have hit anything/one or stuff of that nature. I end up being pretty serious most of the time unless I'm talking with someone then I open up pretty well.

Recently, my mom and I had an argument about life and she basically revealed that she knew I was a slacker and questioned whether or not I was even going to amount to anything more than a McDonald's worker. I ended up yelling back because a lot of the time, she would just yell (and she's super moody anyways) and I'd take it, but I'm not a kid anymore so I countered back.

She took that hugely offensively and threatened to call the police because she was convinced I was going to attack her. Offended, I was trying to tell her that I was tired of being yelled to and put down by my own mother and she called me crazy. My older brother rushed in the scene and took her place and said I was a changed brother. They threatened to take me to the hospital and put me in the psychiatric ward and all kinds of stuff.

They apologized later, but these situations happen far too often for an "I'm sorry" to erase effectively. I would figure that my dad would at least take my side (and he's a story in and of itself, but basically, we aren't fond of him anymore), but he ended up taking their sides and insisted on taking me to the hospital. I'm the black sheep of the family (and to make it even more notable, I'm the only left handed person of everyone).

So, not only am I going to be a college drop-out, but my family are likely going to abandon me soon. And I can't defend myself in anything and it's all my fault, and I hate myself for it.

I listen to depressing music when happy music won't cheer me up anymore. I'm alone in my own desolation. I feel like no matter what I do, my life is only going to become worse. I actually have this theory that since 2010 was such a great year and life sank tremendously since then, that 2014 will be just as good. I don't know why. But maybe I am crazy because I'm thoroughly convinced it will be and it's been keeping me together.

If it turns out to be another crappy year, well, I guess that's just life for me now.

I should seek help I guess with depression, but I just can't see myself visiting some doctor every week or whatever and telling him stories for the sake of doing so.

I tried to end things (because let's face it, if I'm so miserable, I'd do myself a big favor), but I couldn't do it. I'm too much of a coward for that anyways.

So, I'm just suffering. Somedays I end up having a good time, other days I just stay in bed with my laptop (the only place I can escape to and I'm almost always on it) and avoid eating, because that'd require me to go out and be around people who are much happier than I am.

I don't have a girlfriend and I've never had one. I'm unlucky in that part too. I don't know if having one will cheer me up, but it couldn't hurt I guess. I doubt there'd be anyone out there who'd put up with me, though. I hate Valentine's since I was a kid, because they have to rub in finding love here with candies so much, and there's no way I wouldn't be depressed. No one's given me a flower, no one's given me a card, no one's even admitted to liking me. I don't even know if I'll ever find a wife or have a family or whatever.

So, what's the point of living if I'm apparently going to work at McDonald's, grow old and die alone?

I've written too much and at this point I'm rambling.

I guess if anyone out there even comes close to relating to this, I'll message back.

hey, i am sorry you are feeling this way.
some of the most successful people in the world left school early, did not do college !
you can do a trade like plumbing etc they make more money than white collar workers .
know that some cares.
take care

Hi Lefty,

I know the feeling, even when my parents aren't yelling at me, I still feel it in their silence. I know what they are thinking and just wish they would get off my case. But sometimes I try to think from their perspective, they are doing what they do because they care, if they didn't care they could have thrown me out a long time ago and not put up with my bullshit. They are only trying to help and get frustrated because they don't know how to help, sadly I don't know either. When they see me sad, it makes them sad, disappointing them or causing them any distress really upsets me.

You made your parents very proud in for getting into college, it is nice to be able to do something to make your parents happy. However as you get older this may be harder to achieve, as what makes you happy and what makes them happy may be entirely different things. I think your parents' praise and approval means a lot to you, they may want a certain life for you but you may want to live in a different way. It doesn't always have to be one or the other, I think as long as people live a meaningful life, any parent will be proud of their child even if they have done things differently to what they would have done. Everyone wants different things: money, fame, love, security, freedom etc. You define what is meaningful to yourself, however big or small as long as it makes you happy and proud.

You say you have good times, what makes them good? What do you enjoy? What would you love to do everyday that would make you happy? If there isn't anything then the best thing to do is to try something new. Find out more about yourself, see what you like, you might surprise yourself with something that you never thought you can do. You can also make new friends with people who have the same interests as you. It was nice of you to find your old friends but such a shame that your gesture was not appreciated, well nvm out with the old ones and in with some new ones. There is no point wasting time on people who doesn't value your friendship.

Is there something in your life that is making you miserable or is there something missing in your life that is causing it? It can be both, as you have a habit of writing word docs in your laptop, when you feel like it you can make a list of things that make you sad and another list of things that make you happy. I feel that when I write things down I acknowledge the problem and then I can spend the other 90% of the time thinking of solutions to eliminate them from my life and replace it with the things I love from my happy list.

You seem to be creating this miserable life for yourself in your mind, you need to switch that off. You are unhappy with the way that you are going but yet you keep walking in that direction. You need to turn around and figure out what it is that you want and which direction you want to go instead. You seem be blaming yourself for your own lack of ambition and motivation, acknowledge it, face it and focus on what you can do to change that or it will become a never ending cycle.

We all make mistakes, we fall over but it is important that you get back up. You can't go backwards and undo things you did but you can control what you do NOW and make things better, what you do now can help create the future that you want.

I hope you feel better x

Hi iamlefty. I know you mentioned not wanting to go to the doctor every week. And that's understandable. Even if you do start out every week, it doesn't always stay that way.

I know you are worried about getting kicked out of college and disappointing your parents. To me it sounds like they are the ones disappointing you by not showing you more compassion and understanding.

I think if you did go see a doctor, for therapy or meds or even both. There is a chance that you could feel better. If you are already having those dark thoughts, surely you don't have anything to lose by seeing a doctor? It may be just what you need.

What you call being a slacker and what your family calls being a slacker may just be a lack of motivation that has been brought on by depression. If you treat your depression that may improve.

As far as college, finding the path you want to take, or once you are diagnosed and seeking treatment they may be willing to reconsider and let you stay. But you have to talk to them about it.

Hope this helps.