I'm so afraid

[Nbm12345]

Hi, i'm a new member here at depression understood and am so scared about whats happened to my life. I'm 18 years old and it all started about 3 months ago on the second day at college at UGA. I was sick and took some nyquil and i started to hallucinate and had my first panic attack. Ever since then i had bad anxiety throughout every day worrying about everything imaginable. Had multiple panic attacks and suffered with bad derealization. It slowly got worse over the next 2 and a half months, and couldn't take it any more and had to drop out of georgia. Ever since i got home the anxiety subsided mostly, but the derealization continued. The second day home i began to become very depressed. I started to think life was pointless and that everything I ever experienced could be a lie. I feel like my life has no meaning and have just started a welbutrin xl on 150mg and it has made me kind of anxious and has kind of increased my derealization, i'm so scared because i was never this unhappy of a person and i want desperately to get better. i've been seeing a counselor who has been trying to teach me that i need to become more spiritual but i'm finding it very difficult. I have forgotten what it feels like to be normal and never expected my life would come to this. I am doing nothing at home for the rest of the semester, besides working at my local golf course as a cart boy. every day has become an absolute struggle. I want my life back and am so scared i'm never gonna get better. Please if anyone can give me advice i would be more than thankful. please help

[Frame]

OK first, Nbm12345, Welcome to the forum. I hope you receive some peace of mind and perhaps some working knowledge.

I'd very much like to know what your diet is like. I'd especially like to know what you were eating as a daily diet the summer leading up to your first week of college.

In any case I hope posting here helps. And if it's at all possible, get up every day, early and at the same time.

Frame

[saragupta]

@frame,
That's really a good approach. I mean, instead of just consoling, u r trying to help practically. A very genuine approach.

@Nbm
Hi i am 26 and i am from India.
Nbm, U said u want to have ur life back...u know what it means? It means that ur spiritual levels ARE normal (like ur doctor wishes). Moreover, joining this site not just to share ur thoughts but also to seek help and solutions, shows that u have Not given up!
In ur story u dint mention any event or incident that myt have put a negative impact on u. If it is so, that's a major plus point.
I don't know if i am right or wrong (u can frankly tell me if i am wrong). Actually i noticed that Everything with u started in ur first week of college.
First week of college life is quiet hard because there are so many adjustments to make. So Many!!!! Like with the new environment, new roommate, senior students, new classmates, whether the food served in college canteen is good enough or worst (my college canteen was not good enough so it always used to make me miss my mom's food)
Plus burden of living away from home and learning to do some chores ur own self which was earlier done by ur mom. Plus NEW BOOKS and SYLLABUS.
Then u also fell sick and took some meds.
So i guess, psychological side effects of those medicines and stress of First week of college has led to all this.
U myt have been feeling light and relaxed in home...moreover it's good that u decided to do some job. Otherwise staying at home all day when u r already going thru low mood cud make u feel even more unhappy.

Many times some drugs or medications have tendency to play with our minds. I am a medical student. And i will try to read about the medicines u have mentioned in ur story. Okay. Then i ll let u know if i find something helpful. .Are u still on those meds or any other meds? If u r still on those meds and u r finding it difficult to discontinue them, try tapering down them. But under a physician's guidance.
Along with that engage urself in some creative things. I am a girl so don't know what creative things guys like! But u can try learning guitar.

Who knows! When u get back to ur college u can show off ur talent at a gathering or at someone's birthday party.

Keep posting Nbm. We all r here to help u...
Take care.

[buzzzzmonkeys]

Hey, I was a freshman in college this semester too, and dropped out after recurrent episodes of anxiety and dissociation, as well as suicidal thoughts. Since returning home, although it was refreshing at first, the suicidal thoughts have only increased, and I found it nearly impossible to shake the notion that I had given up and my life was headed nowhere. I realized recently that perhaps coming home was not necessary, as the anxiety may simply be a natural reaction to stress, but that maybe regretting my decision is only hindering my recovery. I know our situations are different but I did not give up, and neither did you, but if we are at all similar then perhaps you would benefit, as I did, from a pleasant distraction. Channel your negative energy into a creative outlet, allow your misery to become beautiful and you will truly free your mind. True misery, as I see it, results from isolation and experience deprivation. I have experienced both of these while hiding away in my room, as I have left myself alone to dwell on my sorrows and mistakes. I have been seeing therapists too, and although they have been helpful, it is not entirely up to them to determine what makes me happy or to heal me. That shall be a result of my own exploration. So find out what makes you happy and peaceful through experimentation, get outside and determine what fulfills you, what makes you forget that you were ever miserable, because no one will know what that outlet may be but yourself. When you have truly found peace, you will know. Also, I don't know you, but I know that if you were strong enough to realize that you needed help and you made it far enough to get into college, you are not hopeless. You are still young, and life doesn't always need direction, just go where it may take you. I hope this helps, I wish you all the best and let me know if you ever need to talk to someone who's in the same boat.