Trying to convince my shadow I'm someone worth following

[inkl0ve]

I'm sitting here as cold as the granite my arms are resting on it's almost become bearable enough to consider comfortable...I'm so tired of walking around feeling nothing but disgust and guilt and knowing it's not my baggage to carry and that's where the anger slips in subtly. It's frustrating being that person who only becomes 'important' once they're absent because shit starts falling apart and it's even more hurtful to know that the idiots don't think of taking the time to mention your potential worth, yet, at the same time they'll be the first to yell at you about how having suicidal thoughts is completely selfish.

To give the summarized version, I've been sexually abused by various family members starting at the age of 4 and that went on for years since, decided to disclose that information around the time I was 16 to my guardian (grandmother) only to have her embrace the information wonderfully by then yelling at me about having a terrible 3.5 GPA, she didn't even bat an eye or give a shit...Which was expected considering my mother went through similar abuse and unlike me, my mom told right away only to have my grandmother discredit her and tell her, "You shouldn't say mean things about people." Then like most people now, dad left me at 3 and was a functional alcoholic. Mother was in and out of mental facilities and had a few dances with drugs, I can still remember having horrifying images of what those facilities would look like before I would go visit her at 6 years old. And from there came the being thrown around from person to person, being beaten, locked in closets, etc. Around 17, my grandmother decided it was my turn to follow my mother and she conjured up a story about how I was 'drinking while taking antidepressants' and because on paper I seem like another f***** up self-help book, the people in the ER room decided I was a candidate to go to Club Med (Mental hospital). And so I was a broken person who had been given 'attention' in all the wrong ways and rarely loved correctly. I just learned to curl up like a wounded animal and would lick my wounds. It's like others will talk about me but never to me, and there's nothing better than feeling like a visitor in your own f****** life.

I'm so sick and tired of sitting here silently, just suffering. No longer knowing what to say because I feel like most of my words have been spent. I've been scraping up all the fragmented pieces for years and tried my best to keep myself together since I seem to be amazing to aid others with doing so...And it's draining to keep giving what you wish you could have had and rarely, if ever, receive the same in return. I'm tired of being tired and I'm trying to look for more reasons to keep going but days like this...I'm not sure there are many. But I'm sure I'll wake up another day like usual.

But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.

[Frame]

But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get at.

Nice Inkl0ve; really beautiful imagery and direction.
Thank you for joining. I think you may have a lot to say and a gift for saying it.

I talk about Depression being a reaction to stress. I think the stress you feel in the next quote is a familiar one to many members here.

...And it's draining to keep giving what you wish you could have had and rarely, if ever, receive the same in return. I'm tired of being tired and I'm trying to look for more reasons to keep going but days like this...I'm not sure there are many. But I'm sure I'll wake up another day like usual.

Please feel free to use the sight to support your own well being.
Welcome,
Frame

[4EverMe]

Hi inklOve,
Thank you for posting, and welcome to this site.
I read your post last night, and would have responded then, but words failed me. Still, anything I say seems inadequate, in comparison to what I feel.

During these times in your life, when you were enduring the worst of your pain, I wish I'd known you. I wish I could have been there to comfort and protect you, somehow. Right now, and during those moments when you're feeling suicidal and hopeless, I wish I could wrap you in a warm embrace. And to tell you (with honesty) you're worth much more than you know. Your importance reaches much higher than the lowdown way you feel.

I liked your depiction of the general nature of people. It's true that some of the very people who take the time to talk of suicide being selfish, are not using their time and energy to build others up! What's wrong with people? What's wrong is that people are too self absorbed to notice when another is in despair...or they ignore it, by sweeping it under the rug. Talk about "selfish!" Pathetic hypocrisy.

Throughout my life, I've noticed that it's those of us who've suffered most who are first in helping others. We carry one another's burdens, because we understand what it means to be alienated and forgotten. As the world grows colder, we need to hold onto empathy.

InklOve, I'm grateful you're still here. I'm sure that you are, and ever will be a blessing in the lives of others.
You have a purpose in this world. (or you wouldn't be here) One day, this will become more clear to you...

Just remember that as long as you're still breathing, there's hope. If you are able to affect others in a positive way, there is hope. Who knows who you may have helped with your recent post?? By sharing your experiences, you may given someone eyes to see that they're not alone. Maybe this person felt understood, for the very first time. Last, but not least, I hope that finding this site will be of help to YOU.
Let that shadow of yours know that you are definitely worth following. (((Hugs)))

[saragupta]

Hi
First of all, a very warm hearty welcome in this forum.
I am 26, female, single. I live in India.

U have really been thru a lot of sufferings incLove. I am so sorry about all that stuff u had been to. But u seem strong. It's because i have known people who after prolonged sufferings, can't gather enough strength, to share their story. But u did. No no, I am not saying this to make u feel good, i am saying it genuinely. We all need strength (more or less)...even..to blurt out, everything that had or has been going on in our head and heart.

Ur story reminds me of Oprah Winfrey's life. Do u know her? The one who's talk show is very famous.
I know u r going thru a very tough time incLove, and u myt feel it useless if i ask u to read about the life of Oprah...but i am absolutely sure that u WILL feel motivated after reading her story (trust me plz). I am sending its link.

See Oprah_Winfrey at Wikapedia

Plz read it.
She had been assaulted by her family members thru out her childhood almost in the same way...she had her hard times in life at a very early age like..
.she got pregnant at the age of 14 and her child died in infancy only. Thru out her childhood she kept moving from her mother to her maternal grandma to her father to again her mother. But she was never loved. She wasn't even sure that the person whom she considered her father, was he actually her father or not. Her mom was good for nothing.
She was bullied in her school by all the students from rich backgrounds, because she was very poor. In her early childhood days (during those years when she had to suffer from assaults) she had no choice but to wear dresses made of potato sacks...because her grandmother was very poor. There are a lot more. So plz read her story.
Then later in her life she chose not to get dominated by her past.
She tried to identify her academic talents and interests. And then she nurtured those interests.
Today, she is the highest paid or earning business lady in the WHOLE WORLD...she is a millionaire or billionaire i guess.

I can understand that this kind of stuff is easy said than done. Also, i can understand that when we are already frustrated and tired of life, these kind of things sometimes annoy more than they cud help... But i just want u to be as much strong as u can be. I can promise on behalf of everyone here on this forum that we are here to listen u and guide u thru here onwards.
Right now u r very sad, that's y u may not see it...BUT you have already taken ur very first step to start afresh....and that is, u have join this site.

U know what! U seem to me a hopeful person...but u r not aware of that. I think...in fact i believe that u still have a little forest green coloured leafy bud in the depth of ur heart...that just wants a touch of love and hope, to grow up and turn into a beautiful fresh plant. If u weren't a hopeful person, u wudn't be here on this site on the first place. U myt had searched a lot to find a site like this. Why did u search?? Answer is, "because u r willing to get answers to all those questions which have been screaming out loud in ur head, because u r willing to get helped and guided to find a way to a better & calm future And because u r willing to be cared and to care as well, this is ur subconscious thirst for having a few people u can talk to...that has brought u here. Everyone has this thirst...in fact this thirst to have a few people to talk to is among the many other thoughts, that make us feel alive.

Umm...Am i right or am i just rambling and annoying u?? I am sorry if it is so.

U took a right decision to be on this site.
U won't regret this.

Keep posting. We all are here to listen and guide u.
Take care.
Will wait for ur reply.