Thoughts unsaid

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Thoughts unsaid

Postby saragupta » Mon Sep 02, 2013 3:51 am

1. AM I PHILOPHOBIATIC !!!


Want to kill my fears of being hurt,
Want to bury my fears deep into the earth.

I can adore, help someone and also i can care,
Being called a "Friend" by anyone, to me it's like a dare!

Like others, i also want to be truly loved,
A sweet kiss on my forehead and being warmly hugged.

But my fears lock me into my shell,
And this pain, still calms me. Hell !!

I'm tired of screaming voices in my head,
They have been deterring me to move ahead.

Mind compels me to take a step back,
Just to protect my soul from another attack.

Seems like heart & mind are divided into two,
Along with desperation for love, they repel everyone too!

I DO laugh out aloud at funny things and enjoy,
But very next moment my fears play with my heart like a toy!

I wish i could cut dead part of my heart with a knife,
I wish i could re-write everything on the slate of my life.

Just For my loved ones, m faking it with a smile,
It feels like i'm black-listed in God's file.

It seems like a fresh wound on the cheek,
U can't drop a salty tear when u seek.

The word "Friend" numbs me and i feel suffocation,
I can advise, can cheer-up, but can't be in a friendly RELATION.

The word "LOVE" looks at me with angry eyes,
My scary heart feels like being on a bed of knives!



I know i seriously need to work upon it,
But Ryt now i am lacking the WILL to beat it.

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

hello everyone!

Postby saragupta » Mon Sep 02, 2013 4:07 am

I have never been good at writing stuff.
No no i am not fishing for anything!
Truly, i am not good at writing. But here on this page, i just want to share my thoughts and feelings in form of some childish articles, poems, my own quotes!
Everyone may comment freely...negative comments are also welcome!
Last edited by saragupta on Mon Sep 02, 2013 4:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Postby saragupta » Mon Sep 02, 2013 4:10 am

Quote:
(i think)
Loneliness isn't that bad,
unless YOU have chosen it.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Tue Sep 03, 2013 4:36 am

Hi saragupta,
I happened to like your poem! It doesn't sound childish, but conveys your innermost feelings. To me, it's understandable-- the fear of getting too close for fear of getting hurt. Is there something you've experienced that could be the cause of this phobia? Do you know why you suffer this? I'm sorry, Sara. It hurts me to know that I've referred to you as "friend," and therefore made you feel uncomfortable! Causing anyone discomfort is the last thing I wish to do. Though I know you don't hold it against me, (calling you 'friend') I'm sorry, regardless. But, hey. Good to hear from you!

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Postby saragupta » Tue Sep 03, 2013 7:57 am

@4everme,
heyeee please don't say that i felt nice when u called me ur friend. I had liked it. I understand that v have been exchanging msgs since many days and that has led to development of understanding between us...that's why u felt like calling me ur friend. That was really sweet of u, indeed.
So u don't have to be sorry about that.

Yes, i have been thru betrayals many times since childhood. That now i just feel like to protect myself...although i know, no one can predict accidents. Ha ha. So don't feel about it. I know the reasons why i am like this so it is totally me.
In fact whenever someone has called me friend on this forum, i am forced to ask myself that "what am i doing here! On this site! If i am so scared of the word FRIEND and LOVE then how i am i going to survive on this site. And most importantly, i don't want to confuse people here on this site. Everyone in today's lives is tensed and over stressed AND then creatures like me confusing everyone with what exactly i want ...just an acquaintance or a sweet friendship?? "
Because of such thoughts i have thought of leaving this website many times because i don't want to irritate people here on this site when they are already going thru with so much.
But see, here also i am confused (oh god!!weren't u in a good mood when u were making my heart and brain parts) because i am still here.

So please don't be sorry. It is okay.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:37 am

Hey Saragupta,
I understand, and thank you for the reassurance! Many times, I've experienced betrayal, and also various forms of abuse at the hands of some who claimed to "love" me. Although I know I didn't deserve it, I do have a strong pickiness with whom I place any trust. I'm also a loyal human being, so when I DO call someone 'friend,' I mean it. It doesn't mean I have strong expectations; I'm pretty easy-going. (respecting a person's boundaries) :)

I hope you wouldn't leave this site. You're a joy, and fun to talk to. You're also helpful to me, and I'm sure to others, as well. If you imagine that you're irritating, I can't see why. Maybe in time, you'll feel more relaxed. I just want to say, "Don't worry." :) And thanks for being here...

Pilule
Posts: 115
Joined: Fri Jun 28, 2013 6:42 pm

Postby Pilule » Tue Sep 03, 2013 11:43 am

My most trusted friends, I have known for 20 or more years and not all of them know that I'm suffering from depression. I told only 2. I have a couple of other friends that I've known for 20 or more and I would not tell them about my situation because I know they wouldn't understand and would surely judge me.

You can have very good friends but you don't have to tell them everything.

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Postby saragupta » Wed Sep 04, 2013 10:44 am

@4everme,
Don't praise me that much. I will lose my gravity and will be on 7th cloud. U want to spoil this kid Haan!!
Heh he he ;)
Jokes apart, thank u so much. And i won't leave this site without informing u. Never.

I know that when u call me friend u really really really mean it. I don't doubt it. Noo!
It's just that...it's my illogical and weird fears...i am trying but can't help it. My mind and soul just keep echoing that although u are making a very good understanding with this or that person...but one day something will SURELY happen and u will be blamed for the end of this thing...exactly in the same way as it had happen many times in past. So now i am going along with that English saying "it's better not to bid rather than to lose everything". I know life doesn't go that way. U always need a companion. But u know like in a movie flash-back-scenes come in front of a person's eyes and it changes his mind...for what a person was willing to do confidently a few minutes ago, after flash backs he becomes reluctant to do that same thing.

In the poem above i titled it as "Am i Philophobiatic"...i know i am not suffering from it. Because in this, patients feel really really uncomfortable to talk to people. Then they just run away literally from the person who seems to like them, even from elders, relatives, parents, kids etc etc.

I haven't reached to that severity level. Yet. But i just feel like having many friends but not too close. May be subconsciously i just want that "if at all something wrong wud happen in future and the particular person starts hating me and break up with me (not that love affair break up only, i am talking in general like in casual friends also) then it won't hurt that much.
I have written everything in a very confusing way i guess. U can ask me frankly to explain or elaborate again! I will be glad to see ur interest.
Thanks for understanding me.

@pilule

hey hi. I think i am talking to u for the first time. How r u!
Thank u for the advise. Yes, u r Ryt. Absolutely. May be i need to change my definition of friend and friendship. For me till date, it's like one in front of whom ur heart shld be naked. U CAN HAVE SECRETS but by sharing ur sorrows and problems u can strengthen ur relationship. But i guess this kind of definitions looks good only in movies or fiction novels. Ha ha.
Although i am trying but i don't think i wud be able to change myself.
Yes yes i know u r NOT asking me to change or anything like that. I am just saying it from my side. I think my sensitive nature is the culprit.
Ha ha like they say "excess of everything is bad"! Heh he he he.
Stay in touch pilule.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Fri Sep 06, 2013 8:39 am

Hey sara,
Sorry it took a bit to get back to you, but i purchased a smart phone, only to realize it takes a while to figure out how to use it. Ugh. Still so much to learn, and not feeling too smart right now. Haha. So much different from my last phone. But, i can't gripe. I get to listen to music i like. Yay. Talk to you soon, saragupta. Hope you're doing well.

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Postby saragupta » Fri Sep 06, 2013 1:22 pm

Hey congratulations!
Till last year, i had that mobile with buttons. But then mom dad got me a new phone. And it is a smart phone. It is Samsung galaxy Y. It was my first time to have a touch screen phone. Earlier, i used to get mad because i was not used to of touch screen and then while typing Urrrgghh! It was like if i was aiming at typing A i press S instead. The blocks of alphabets on the screen are so small and my finger is fatteningy. Ha ha ha. I was scared that after spending so much money Wat wud i do if this typing problem persisted. But with time i figured out another way of typing. Now i know almost everything.
If ur phone has android thingy! Then feel free to ask me anything. Just tell me if u r having android or not. Then i will let u know some very important things to do in it like settings and all. It will be good for ur cell.
Okay. Have funnn :D
Bye!

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Sat Sep 07, 2013 3:17 am

Hi saragupta, ,Yes, its an Android! ;-) I also don't like darned keys!! Its like typing at an awkward slant while also typing in slow motion. Royal pain! You want to know something funny? It was only a few hours ago that I learn where to find the question mark. nything helpful you have for me regarding this phone is more than welcome! Haha. Al, mine is a Kyocerherea. I'm not uiquite sure what the differences would be though.

4EverMe
Posts: 927
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:50 am
Location: Washington State

Postby 4EverMe » Sat Sep 07, 2013 3:39 am

Hey saragupta,
Do you see the mistakes I made above? Well, I left some of them visible so I could ask you a question. Usually,my blue arrow button I can guide over to my mistakes where I can correct them. Sometimes though, that blue arrow has a mind of its own! It won't wind up where I'm trying to bring it. So, the screw ups remain! How do I deal with this??

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

Postby saragupta » Sat Sep 07, 2013 5:14 am

There's no problem with the blue arrow slider , actually on this site when we are typing in the msg box, there is this problem. That's why, whenever i feel like writing a lengthy msg, Wat i do is, first i write the whole msg in the drafts of my mail account and then i copy paste it here. But if u want to write it here directly then just keep writing. It is really hard to take this blue cursor kind of thing back and forth.
U know Wat, there's a site rxpg.com where all doctors discuss about various exams and govt policies regarding exams. That site also follows the exact same format and so is the same problem with the cursor.

If ur phone has a Google play store then u shld download an anti virus. It's free.
Or i will try to send u a link of the anti virus which i am using Ryt now. It is necessary for those who use mobile for internet also.

And u know Wat i always find it very difficult to type, by using keypad of pattern similar to keyboard of computer. I don't know Wat we call it.
Plus i need to search every alphabet on that. Like where is K and where is B
ha ha ha.
So i have changed my typing pattern on screen " in settings..
If u want u can ask i will try to guide u stepwise.
The pattern i am using is similar to the one we used to have on buttons. But here instead of buttons it's on the screen of course. U know na that pattern.
Having abc at 2
Having def at 3
Having pqrs at 7, etc etc.

saragupta
Posts: 140
Joined: Sun Jul 28, 2013 6:54 am
Location: India

thanksgiving

Postby saragupta » Tue Nov 26, 2013 9:49 am

Hello everyone,
I am sorry i don't know much about thanksgiving but i know a little bit....!

This site has been very comforting to everyone i am sure. We all listen to each other, we guide each other like what is right and what is wrong, we don't say YES to each other just to please...we try to give our genuine view and opinion when the other one share their problems! So it is somewhat like a family...!
Isn't it???!!!!??? :) :)

So here i am wishing everyone Happy Thanksgiving. :) :)

PS: i am a Hindu by religion...so i don't know exactly how to wish thanksgiving. But i wanted to, so...!


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