It Does Not Seem to Get Better
Posted: Fri Jul 19, 2013 9:59 pm
So, here is my story...
I grew up in a crazy home. My dad abused my mother and my brother but never hit me. Plenty of verbal abuse...I was scared to death of him. He once kicked my mom out of the car on a rainy night. I was so scared for her.
As time went on, my mother became abusive and very controlling. My brother would hit my mother, as well. He threatened us with a gun at one point.
Through this, I seemed to be fine. I was outwardly happy and pretty much kept everything secret. Very few of my friends knew the extent of what went on in my home. However, I had high hopes for my future.
I enjoyed college. I was finally out of my crazy home.
Once out of college, I of course went for the wrong kind of men and married one after only 9 months of long distance dating. He cheated on me within a few months, but I convinced myself he didn't. We stayed together 5 years and had one son. He never hit me, but he ran us into the ground financially and basically stole money from me and my parents. We divorced when my son was 18 months. Basically, he said he married me because I was cute and he divorced me because I wasn't cute anymore. I had gained weight with the pregnancy and did not take it off that first year - my fault, I know.
It has been a constant battle to get him to pay any support. My son is now 15. He spends time with his dad every other weekend, but his dad still get away with not paying. He is behind over 6000 right now, and that is with having support as low as fifty dollars for almost 3 years. His dad spent the first 5 years of our separation/divorce period trying to create problems. He was very threatening to the point I had to get a lawyer. He was 1 step from a restraining order but the lawyer scared him off from confronting me face to face. He spent about the next 2 years confronting me by email, but at least I did not have to respond unless it was something about my son's schedule.
About 8 years later, I tried marriage again, but it was another very short dating period. He turned out to be very unstable. He would tell me I dressed inappropriately. I'm a teacher....I pretty much dress like a teacher. I don't even have sexy "going out" clothes....I just look silly in that sort of thing. He also was weirdly jealous of my son. I should not have married him, but I so wanted a family. Within 6 weeks, he told me he wanted a divorce and that I should get an abortion. We got pregnant right away - that's not why we got married, we were just in our late 30's and did not want to wait too long.
I told him to go but I was keeping my baby. He left, but I found out the baby had severe genetic problems. I did the unthinkable and terminated the pregnancy.
This sent me into a tailspin of the deepest, darkest depression. I would work and take care of my son, but other than that, I was on the couch. I ate to self medicate...and drank more alcohol than usual. I did this for around 2 years.
Also, I was left with debt from the wedding and paying off my new ex's house. I had to take on several part time jobs (online teaching and some after school stuff). At one point, I had my full time job and 4 part time jobs going.
Finally, I told my doctor. I was very good at pretending everything was fine to my son and to others. But, I went to a counselor and my doctor when I got to a point that I could not sleep and was screaming at my poor son.
The doctor gave me Welbutrin which helped immediately. However, earlier this year, I lost my mom. She suffered for several months, and a lot the last few. I was spending everyday with her the last 2 months. My father (yes, they were still married....I have no idea why....they literally hated each other). My dad was good about going to visit her, but he would talk badly about her to everyone. I ended up telling the doctors that he had abused her for the past 40 years. He was actually arrested only 4 years earlier because one of their neighbors heard him beating her. At that time, my mom could barely walk because she has such bad hip problems.
Needless to say, I do not like my father. Now, he is the only one left. I am the only one near - my brother is in Atlanta. So, I am the one that is there for my dad...if he needs someone to drive him to a medical procedure where he can;t drive...that sort of things. It makes me feel sick and uncomfortable to be around him. He even still tries to speak badly about my mother which makes me hate him. He also is always coming over to my house uninvited. He wants to act like everything is OK, but his evilness comes out.
My brother has basically cut himself off from me and barely calls my dad. He was not helpful with my mom....I had to go up alone to do all the funeral arrangements. He is a surgeon, so he did pay for it all, which was wonderful. He told me a few years back that he would not care when our parents died, and he was serious.
I feel horrible because I wish my father would pass away. I really wish he had gone first so my mom could have had some happy years. The last few years she became mean and rarely left the house. She was obviously severely depressed.
I am in debt, and I can't work any more than I do. People always say that things will get better, but, seriously, my life just keeps getting worse....sadder and sadder....and more and more hopeless.
At this point, I am overweight. When I'm not, I look pretty decent, but it seems to be really hard to lose the weight now. Every time I try, something happens which makes me just give up on that, too.
Both my ex's are married, so obviously, I am the problem. I am the only common denominator...haha. I am just a horrible wife. I have no idea how to do it.
I love my son more than anything and have done everything for him. He is a very good boy, but he is 15...so I can't keep building my life around him...he needs to start breaking away....and in just 3 years, he will be off to college.
I have no idea how to stop being so sad.
There are many days when I don't shower or get off the couch, and I let my house get messy. I feel like it is not getting better...and I don't even want to try for anything that might make me happy because it won't work out....it will just end up hurting me some more.
I grew up in a crazy home. My dad abused my mother and my brother but never hit me. Plenty of verbal abuse...I was scared to death of him. He once kicked my mom out of the car on a rainy night. I was so scared for her.
As time went on, my mother became abusive and very controlling. My brother would hit my mother, as well. He threatened us with a gun at one point.
Through this, I seemed to be fine. I was outwardly happy and pretty much kept everything secret. Very few of my friends knew the extent of what went on in my home. However, I had high hopes for my future.
I enjoyed college. I was finally out of my crazy home.
Once out of college, I of course went for the wrong kind of men and married one after only 9 months of long distance dating. He cheated on me within a few months, but I convinced myself he didn't. We stayed together 5 years and had one son. He never hit me, but he ran us into the ground financially and basically stole money from me and my parents. We divorced when my son was 18 months. Basically, he said he married me because I was cute and he divorced me because I wasn't cute anymore. I had gained weight with the pregnancy and did not take it off that first year - my fault, I know.
It has been a constant battle to get him to pay any support. My son is now 15. He spends time with his dad every other weekend, but his dad still get away with not paying. He is behind over 6000 right now, and that is with having support as low as fifty dollars for almost 3 years. His dad spent the first 5 years of our separation/divorce period trying to create problems. He was very threatening to the point I had to get a lawyer. He was 1 step from a restraining order but the lawyer scared him off from confronting me face to face. He spent about the next 2 years confronting me by email, but at least I did not have to respond unless it was something about my son's schedule.
About 8 years later, I tried marriage again, but it was another very short dating period. He turned out to be very unstable. He would tell me I dressed inappropriately. I'm a teacher....I pretty much dress like a teacher. I don't even have sexy "going out" clothes....I just look silly in that sort of thing. He also was weirdly jealous of my son. I should not have married him, but I so wanted a family. Within 6 weeks, he told me he wanted a divorce and that I should get an abortion. We got pregnant right away - that's not why we got married, we were just in our late 30's and did not want to wait too long.
I told him to go but I was keeping my baby. He left, but I found out the baby had severe genetic problems. I did the unthinkable and terminated the pregnancy.
This sent me into a tailspin of the deepest, darkest depression. I would work and take care of my son, but other than that, I was on the couch. I ate to self medicate...and drank more alcohol than usual. I did this for around 2 years.
Also, I was left with debt from the wedding and paying off my new ex's house. I had to take on several part time jobs (online teaching and some after school stuff). At one point, I had my full time job and 4 part time jobs going.
Finally, I told my doctor. I was very good at pretending everything was fine to my son and to others. But, I went to a counselor and my doctor when I got to a point that I could not sleep and was screaming at my poor son.
The doctor gave me Welbutrin which helped immediately. However, earlier this year, I lost my mom. She suffered for several months, and a lot the last few. I was spending everyday with her the last 2 months. My father (yes, they were still married....I have no idea why....they literally hated each other). My dad was good about going to visit her, but he would talk badly about her to everyone. I ended up telling the doctors that he had abused her for the past 40 years. He was actually arrested only 4 years earlier because one of their neighbors heard him beating her. At that time, my mom could barely walk because she has such bad hip problems.
Needless to say, I do not like my father. Now, he is the only one left. I am the only one near - my brother is in Atlanta. So, I am the one that is there for my dad...if he needs someone to drive him to a medical procedure where he can;t drive...that sort of things. It makes me feel sick and uncomfortable to be around him. He even still tries to speak badly about my mother which makes me hate him. He also is always coming over to my house uninvited. He wants to act like everything is OK, but his evilness comes out.
My brother has basically cut himself off from me and barely calls my dad. He was not helpful with my mom....I had to go up alone to do all the funeral arrangements. He is a surgeon, so he did pay for it all, which was wonderful. He told me a few years back that he would not care when our parents died, and he was serious.
I feel horrible because I wish my father would pass away. I really wish he had gone first so my mom could have had some happy years. The last few years she became mean and rarely left the house. She was obviously severely depressed.
I am in debt, and I can't work any more than I do. People always say that things will get better, but, seriously, my life just keeps getting worse....sadder and sadder....and more and more hopeless.
At this point, I am overweight. When I'm not, I look pretty decent, but it seems to be really hard to lose the weight now. Every time I try, something happens which makes me just give up on that, too.
Both my ex's are married, so obviously, I am the problem. I am the only common denominator...haha. I am just a horrible wife. I have no idea how to do it.
I love my son more than anything and have done everything for him. He is a very good boy, but he is 15...so I can't keep building my life around him...he needs to start breaking away....and in just 3 years, he will be off to college.
I have no idea how to stop being so sad.
There are many days when I don't shower or get off the couch, and I let my house get messy. I feel like it is not getting better...and I don't even want to try for anything that might make me happy because it won't work out....it will just end up hurting me some more.
