Years of depression, lost love, almost lost my job.
Posted: Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:39 pm
I spent the last 13 years of my life extremely depressed, overwhelmed, and confused.
And not even realizing how depressed I was and what I needed to do to alleviate the pain.
I'm 29 now, have been depressed since I was 16.
When I was a teenager I ran into serious issues about my body (abnormalities) and felt no one could ever love me.
I had no guidance; I gave up on my hopes and dreams, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped going to school, just smoked pot, and played a lot of video games by myself for years on end.
My social skills atrophied and I didn't work on any of the skills in the fields I'm interested in (mostly arts and sciences).
I knew I was depressed, but I had gotten so used to numbing the pain away.
Always keeping my mind occupied with various forms of media playing at the same time, never allowing myself a minute of silence when I might think about my life or feel the pain.
I eventually quite smoking pot, and stopped deluging myself with media, but I was still extremely depressed.
And what’s worse is that I didn't even realize that I needed to start improving my life, let alone how.
But then something happened.
Something both wonderful and terrifying, something that was amazing at first but ultimately made me face myself and brought about more pain then I ever thought imaginable.
It was a woman of course; a woman entered my life after 12 years of believing no one could ever love me.
She fell head over heels for me, despite all my shortcomings.
Despite the physical abnormalities, and the fact that I’m so quiet and have a lack of social skills, she loved the fact that I have a big heart and I care about her.
But 13 years of issues building up in my mind, ultimately was too much. And in the end it must have seemed like I didn't care anymore… :’(
I loathe myself, and I could not accept the love that she gave.
Felt I did not deserve it, was so paranoid that she would leave me for someone better. This lack of trust undermined our love.
She told me I’m depressed, bringing her down, my insecurities and other issues, have ruined the love that she felt for me.
She recently broke up with me, and made it clear she wants nothing more than to forget me…
So now I not only have to deal with the pain of losing someone I love, but I’m forced to deal with the sources of my depression for the first time in 13 years, completely and utterly alone.
There is no one in my life to help me. She was my whole world. I have no friends left, and just a Mother, who is so toxic to my soul, to talk to.
XXX
The problems that I face are not unusual, but seem so insurmountable to me.
When I was 16 I became depressed and gave up on my life completely.
Now at 29, I have to start to get things together. I've been living in the same apartment for over 14 years.
My mother moved out, and left all her stuff here, which I cannot get rid of.
It’s her apartment, and I have survived all these years because of the low low rent I pay her.
This place is a huge mess, I hate it here; it’s where I was undone.
I am just barely able to hang onto my minimum wage job.
Although I’m good at it, my lack of social skills, depression and paranoia, about people being against me, almost lost me the job here a few times, and I feel I’m on my last ropes.
What I need to do is find a better paying job, move out, go back to school, and start nurturing my interests.
Not to mention start socializing, which I’m so afraid of doing….
But I can’t seem to get the ball rolling.
I mourn the loss of my ex 24/7. I go home after work, feel so depressed and apathetic from this place, and get barely anything done...
And not even realizing how depressed I was and what I needed to do to alleviate the pain.
I'm 29 now, have been depressed since I was 16.
When I was a teenager I ran into serious issues about my body (abnormalities) and felt no one could ever love me.
I had no guidance; I gave up on my hopes and dreams, stopped hanging out with friends, stopped going to school, just smoked pot, and played a lot of video games by myself for years on end.
My social skills atrophied and I didn't work on any of the skills in the fields I'm interested in (mostly arts and sciences).
I knew I was depressed, but I had gotten so used to numbing the pain away.
Always keeping my mind occupied with various forms of media playing at the same time, never allowing myself a minute of silence when I might think about my life or feel the pain.
I eventually quite smoking pot, and stopped deluging myself with media, but I was still extremely depressed.
And what’s worse is that I didn't even realize that I needed to start improving my life, let alone how.
But then something happened.
Something both wonderful and terrifying, something that was amazing at first but ultimately made me face myself and brought about more pain then I ever thought imaginable.
It was a woman of course; a woman entered my life after 12 years of believing no one could ever love me.
She fell head over heels for me, despite all my shortcomings.
Despite the physical abnormalities, and the fact that I’m so quiet and have a lack of social skills, she loved the fact that I have a big heart and I care about her.
But 13 years of issues building up in my mind, ultimately was too much. And in the end it must have seemed like I didn't care anymore… :’(
I loathe myself, and I could not accept the love that she gave.
Felt I did not deserve it, was so paranoid that she would leave me for someone better. This lack of trust undermined our love.
She told me I’m depressed, bringing her down, my insecurities and other issues, have ruined the love that she felt for me.
She recently broke up with me, and made it clear she wants nothing more than to forget me…
So now I not only have to deal with the pain of losing someone I love, but I’m forced to deal with the sources of my depression for the first time in 13 years, completely and utterly alone.
There is no one in my life to help me. She was my whole world. I have no friends left, and just a Mother, who is so toxic to my soul, to talk to.
XXX
The problems that I face are not unusual, but seem so insurmountable to me.
When I was 16 I became depressed and gave up on my life completely.
Now at 29, I have to start to get things together. I've been living in the same apartment for over 14 years.
My mother moved out, and left all her stuff here, which I cannot get rid of.
It’s her apartment, and I have survived all these years because of the low low rent I pay her.
This place is a huge mess, I hate it here; it’s where I was undone.
I am just barely able to hang onto my minimum wage job.
Although I’m good at it, my lack of social skills, depression and paranoia, about people being against me, almost lost me the job here a few times, and I feel I’m on my last ropes.
What I need to do is find a better paying job, move out, go back to school, and start nurturing my interests.
Not to mention start socializing, which I’m so afraid of doing….
But I can’t seem to get the ball rolling.
I mourn the loss of my ex 24/7. I go home after work, feel so depressed and apathetic from this place, and get barely anything done...