Skeletons On The Move

[indeediwill]

I haven’t been wild in my thought process in quite some time. My phone doesn’t ring as much. Texts are a rarity. Even my social networks have dried up more than the Sahara Desert. What am I left with but the walls around me. I have mastered the art of using my surroundings to find answers even when the only voice is my own.

I had a 4 hour talk with God the other night. I discussed some things that I even withheld from rational self. From my thoughts on my “brothers”, to my need to be alone to seem at peace, to fighting the urge to not swing on the very person who has caused me pain while receiving a hair cut from him, to walking around my own neighborhood with a face where happiness wouldn’t dare even try to want be by, to giving a smile where it is disguised by the pain know another key family member is dying before my hands, to knowingly I haven’t kept my promise is seeing this family member, to being ok with not seeing that family member with the excuse of school being the forefront when it doubt my feelings simply are that me and that family member have connected through “death” already and know my reasons, to my grades falling because of lack of focus, to wanting to exercise violence just to quench my old childhood thirst of inflicting pain to balance out the pain i have endured, to fighting the constant urge to manipulate women for my own personal pleasure whether it be sexual or not, to knowingly not attend church and lie to my peers as if I know who even the pastor is, in which I don’t. I’m beyond tired of these thoughts. Tired of the lies. Tired of not being able to smile through the lifetime of pain these eyes have endured even before coming to the United States. Tired of hearing my “brothers” scoff at me. Tired of it ALL.

I have so many skeletons and I’m sure more will enter the closet. But why hide them there? Do I wish to only confront them when I get “dressed” or whenever reality slaps me. No more hiding. No more ignoring family when they need even though I rarely get a thank you. No more posting tweets just to make the time fly. No more.

Question is where do I go from here? Do I wait on sympathy? Ask God for forgiveness of these thoughts of despair. I will ask for no such thing. My thoughts are perfectly sane and back by impeccable logic. I simply will do what I have always done when presented: I will ask my skeletons will they go anywhere. They always reply “no we won’t”. This will lead to yet another night of peaceful city sounds outside of my window and head to the clouds thanking God for placing this burden on me even though the amount I feel he has bestowed is too much. I will not let tears out because I have not EARNED a reason to cry since my life isn’t where I can enjoy it in peace. Once that’s happens, I will allow my skeletons to leave. I NEED them around me now.

Until that time of peace comes, I will ask God to spare my family and others and not me for this lesson. Peace.