Confused and Scared

[indeediwill]

As I write this, my physical body is currently sitting down on the floor wondering many questions. I have yet to find motivation to keep pushing through when the walls are steady closing in. I hate absolutely hate my logical mindset with every fiber of my being. Why you ask? Simple. Being logical is about keeping what should make sense first before everything. It’s a serious addiction beyond any vice you can think of. It causes many forms if discomfort because most people who understand this will tell you that going against your logical mind is going against your principles of self and being ok with that. At least that is the dream I have sold to myself for 25 years.

I write on this blog on this website not for attention, a shoulder to cry, etc but for something drastically more important to me: to write my “book” and hopefully inspire someone to not end up with my thoughts. I honestly find it odd that as much as I have been depressed, I have yet to taste alcohol or smoke the urn who all know as weed. I have had many conversations with God wondering many things about why he made me, what am I here for, or most importantly, after so many gears of emotional torture, why am I still alive. I am not suicidal by any means. I feel to ask the question proves a person to be very sane actually. The trouble I have with myself is my past is always on my mind. I tell people that I forgive them but in reality I don’t. I say that I love my family but am I saying because that is what is “expected” or I genuinely have emotional connections or love towards individuals that share names and blood lines? The answer would be yes. Can’t explain why I would say yes and that alone scares me. I constantly try to reach for motivation to push myself over this bruising case of burden from our Lord and myself known as depression, but I have again failed in that aspect.

I just admitted to myself that I am antisocial. I tried to fight the urge to go against peoples’ interpretation of that upon me but I must agree with them. Thing is, I’m not antisocial in the sense that I don’t want to converse with people. I love people. It’s just I’ve become so used to being by myself and alone that it is my comfort zone. Everybody knows how hard it is TL break outside their comfort zone when it’s your way to be at peace your entire life. I enjoy my own company. I just find it more comfortable being around strangers than people who know my name and have passed by me in the campus hallways from time to time. My rational mind tells me this because I have no expectations for people who I do not know rather than worry about being judged by people who “know me”. Speaking of the people that claim to me, I pray that the judgment you have placed upon me as being selfish, arrogant, cocky, etc has opened your mind enough for me to ask one question: can you truly read a book by skimming through it? The answer Is obvious and so is why your judgment is futile. Your ignorance and inability to announce me in the same breath as those adjectives tells me you have excuses to even know simple key details about me: My birthday, my middle name, my views on OUR community, my thoughts on burnt bologna sandwiches, etc. ok, I threw the sandwich thing in there as a joke to see if you are still reading lol, but I take it my point is taken. Fact if the matter is I am told to forgive and forget y’all and your criticisms about me. I simply just want to say to y’all (cut the shit and f*** off).

Back to this admission, I simply am looking for answers to feed to logical, rational mind again. This why I seem to have so many headaches. I must admit the allure of the vice to participate in drugs and drinking to make their problems go away is very tempting. Maybe I should endure in them? Would this defeat my logical mind and finally give me “peace”? I have no earthly idea but what do I know, I’m just scared and confused of only two things: God Almighty…..and myself.

Til next time, God Bless.