pregnant and depressed
Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2013 2:05 pm
I found out I was pregnant a couple months ago. I'm 21 weeks along right now with a girl, Emelie. I am so attached already. I love her so much. I love thinking of her. But I don't know if I can keep her. Her father wants us to, but we are dirt poor and it would be really selfish of me... I love her and want to raise her. But giving her to a nice family seems like the better option. I really don't know what the hell to do. And all the stress of having to make this decision is triggering my old depression and I constantly have to fight the urge to selfharm. I self-harm myself to release emotional pain, and because my esteem is very low and I feel like I deserve to be in pain. My rational logic knows this is not the case, but I get so upset that I need to do something to calm myself down and self-harming is one if the only things that helps. My daughter needs a healthy happy mother. I want to be happy. But I don't know how. I've never known how. Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to die. That's not normal. Why do I want to die? Because I feel like life is so pointless. honestly, thus far, I have only lived my life for other people. Because they care about me and I can't imagine how adult they would feel if I committed suicide. I have no desire to be alive. And it makes me cry all the time. I'm sick of it. I just want to be happy. How can I be happy with all this stress in my life? What makes life worth living? Were all just going to die in the end anyways. I really am not okay with this depression and I'm scared for myself. For my daughter. Its getting worse and worse everyday. I need help. ;C[quote][/quote]