tired of pretending to be happy

[faking_happiness]

hey everyone. this is going to be a long post so sorry in advance but i would truly appreciate any advice you have for me because i am feeling pretty helpless

when i graduated high school 4 years ago, i moved away and started college and had never been so happy to finally get out of the small town that i lived in and meet friends and i was truly happiest i have ever been. but soon after that, my roomie relapsed from her eating disorder. she lied to me about it for 2 years and after that i was so hurt and exhausted from the lies that i moved in with another friend. i was so excited to finally be happy again and experience the college life that i was missing out on. but unfortunately, my new roommate had been keeping the same secret from me. she too relapsed from an eating disorder and withdrew from school to go to therapy across the country, leaving me alone and feeling helpless. at this point, i had basically no friends anymore because the issues with my previous best friend had torn my group of friends apart.

this is when i believe i started to develop my first real signs of depression (last year). i spent the majority of the year alone and crying. i tried to meet new people because im a very social person but i just couldnt have fun anymore. i found myself pretending to have fun a lot but eventually this became exhausting and i gave up and stayed inside all of the time and over-focused on schoolwork. finally when that school year ended and i went back home, both of my friends recovered immensely from their relapse last summer. they are now both doing great-each with loving boyfriends. and now im the one struggling....

i have never felt this helpless in my life. i'm constantly stressed. i have really awful thoughts about people i love getting hurt or dieing way too often. i cry everyday. i dont have an appetite anymore. i have no motivation or energy. and im just never ever ever happy anymore.

i know that my anxiety is coming from school and the thought of having to end college and move on with life and find an internship/job very soon. but my depression is caused because my two friends have changed a lot since their relapses. my roommate hardly ever hangs out with me anymore so im constantly alone. i am so happy that she is finally happy again but it also sucks because she sleeps at her boyfriend's place every night. she only comes back when she needs to for school. she hardly ever keeps in contact with me. it just really hurts because i spent my entire year last year worrying about her and going to therapy sessions with her and essentially putting my life on hold to get her better. and now that i am in that bad place, she isnt really here for me...she says that she will be happy to take me to therapy but i just dont want to bother her. i dont want to have to ask her for her to spend time with me. i feel like she should want to do that without my request. i'm trying so hard to make her think that i'm fine because i dont want to bring her back down to that state of mind again. but at the same time, i really need friends right now more than ever because i feel really lonely. my boyfriend keeps pressuring me to "talk about my feelings with him" but he honestly just doesnt get it and it usually ends up in a fight which makes me cry..

im just tired of being alone. im tired of pretending. sometimes i wake up and just stare at the ceiling for hours as tears run down my face. and im sick of it. i just want my fun and social life back that i had 3.5 years ago. i dont know how i got to this point in my life but its just really exhausting to live this way. if you have any advice for me, i am truly thankful to hear it. thanks everyone