Can't decide...

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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WarInside
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Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:41 pm

Can't decide...

Postby WarInside » Thu Mar 13, 2008 4:47 pm

I've been reading through this site, and after seeing all of these stories...I'm having trouble with posting mine. I've never been through anything traumatic, never experienced half of what I have read on this site...I just kinda feel like my problems are worthless next to those, and that I am pathetic for giving in to them so easily...

shmuel
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Joined: Fri Jan 11, 2008 12:35 pm

Postby shmuel » Fri Mar 14, 2008 5:06 am

Hi Warinside and welcome to the forums.
I can identify with your uncertainty about posting your story...but please bare in mind that every problem is something unique..something that affects you personally.
In my humble opinion there is no top ten of worries or problems... there is certainly no one here who`s gonna put you in a draw labeled "worthless,pathetic".
What ever you decide is fine.
Hope to talk with you again sometime... maybe see ya in the IRC chat sometimes :D
Take care

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Stephen
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Postby Stephen » Fri Mar 14, 2008 10:38 am

Hi WarInside,

Welcome to the depression forums.

As a comparison, I don't think it matters how we've broken our leg, the fact is we've broken it, and the pain is there.

Please don't feel like you don't belong here -- we've all travelled different paths to get here: I personally don't believe one person's journey is of less importance than another's.

Please share with us, if you feel you'd like to.

I hope to either post to you on the forums, or talk in the chat room sometime.

Stephen

WarInside
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Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2008 5:41 pm

Postby WarInside » Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:54 pm

Thank you for the reassurance. Unfortunately, I can't go on chat, because on my desktop, there is a rating lock, and on my laptop, I'm getting a java error. Well...Here it goes...Sorry if you get bored, the story spans nearly eight years.

I've been told I am a smart kid. I'm not sure if this is true anymore. It seems that since this has all started, I can't think half as well as I used too.
I started off going to a private school with all of my siblings. I have two older brothers, and one older sister. At the end of the second grade, I was informed by my parents that I would be transferring to a public school. I was angry and indignant that they would so readily tear my away from my school, for at the time, I was well-liked, and quite happy.

At the public schools, the difference between me and my classmates was apparent. Everything came so much quicker for me, so much faster. But of course, this made me a natural target. Even my teacher teased me. But I didn't care at the time. I just tried to ignore them. By the time the I got to the fifth grade, I had formed the opinion in my mind that this school was something to hate, and I never really considered myself a part of it. People still kept messing with me, and at one point the person who I thought was one of my closest friends walked up to me and started acting just like everyone else did toward me. Normally, I would have recovered from this, and just decided that it was a bad friend, had not similar incidents happened in the sixth and seventh grades. That kinda solidified the impression I got, which was that I couldn't trust anyone. People still kept messing with me, and I started to crack a little. In the seventh grade I met my current best friend, who is partially responsible for me lasting this long(he doesn't know what is going on right now, though). At that point, though I had already determined that the solution to all of my problems was making myself dumber. So I tried, and I met success. However, my place in society was already determined.

My freshman year is when it started to get particularly bad. My mind, already violently inclined by the videogames I used for escapism, began to turn even darker. I developed an intense hatred for everyone around me except for my friends. My friends were all that mattered. I became sarcastic, rude, angry, and hateful toward others. At one point in the year before, I had actually made a boy in my class cry with my insults. People still kept pushing me. The ones who I hated the most were the ones who my friends and I considered "preppy". I hated them because they were always so unnaturally happy. I despised them for it, because deep down, I was jealous. But no matter how far anyone pushed me, I never reacted.

I always kept to myself, tried never to let any of my emotions show. When I felt anything I didn't want to, I suppressed it, bottled it. I became addicted to the escape I found in videogames. I rarely ventured out of my room. At the end of my freshman year, I was surprised with the choice to go back to my old school. Hope flared inside me, and I thought that perhaps I could get a new start. When I arrived at the place, however, only three of my former classmates remained, and they and the rest were, for the most part, just like the people at the public school, just fewer in number. I tried doing the same thing I had always done, but my hopes being dashed had broken my will. In my mind I was already beginning to crack. My daydreams turned to violent fantasies about my classmates, my dreams gave me no peace. Everything seemed darker.

One day, one of my closest friends, someone who I had met online, suggested that it might be depression. I was shocked. I took a quiz that she had sent me, and scored a nine, when a five meant probable depression. I still couldn't believe it, so I asked my other online friend, and she said that it was very likely. My first friend had recommended me to this site. After reading Warmsoul's post about what depression meant to her, I couldn't lie to myself anymore. The days lately have been getting worse and worse, and I'm having trouble keeping it together. Yesterday I kept having these mood changes, and Stephanie, the second friend, said it would get worse if I didn't get it sorted out. Every day lately I've felt worthless, lonely, sad, guilty, and shameful, ect. about every little thing. I don't want my family to find out, so I came here, in hopes that I could find some help before it leaked out into publicity. I couldn't bear that shame and guilt.

Somehow, I get the feeling that I've left something very important out, but I can't figure out what...

Emotional_77
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Postby Emotional_77 » Sat Mar 15, 2008 1:41 pm

Arghhh.. Tell me about it Warinside.. I felt the same way through my school years and pretty much thats all the problems I had were in school that I can think of to cause my depression and anxiety. I'm in the same boat as you where I dont have so severe problems as others do on here but yet I have the same feelings. Goes to show maybe environmental factors is not the only cause of depression. But, people take things differently, it all depends on how sensitive we are or how we think of ourselves. I am glad you joined this site and I am willing to be here if you need to talk.. Take care.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:40 pm

((((((((((WarInside))))))))))))))))

Just a warm hug, hope it helps.

Warmie 8)

WarInside
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Postby WarInside » Sat Mar 15, 2008 3:14 pm

These past two days have not been so bad, thanks to heavy support from my two friends who know about what is going on. I've still had a few moments, but other than that, it is pretty mellow. Spring break came just in time, I think.

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Apr 20, 2008 11:52 am

WarInside,

Problems come in many sizes and shapes. We all deal with it the best we can. Here and in the chat room people give honest support. Please continue with posting, let others be there for you.

Warmie 8)


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