Depression Understood Forums

Not really sure how to start this, its taken a lot for me to even admit i have major issues. I suppose in a way its a step in the right direction realising that. I understand that there are things that i dont like talking about but this has become the breaking point to my relationship. All i want is for him to want me and i know how serious my problems are for it to cause this. Nearly 8 years of been together and 7 years of living toggether and now he decides that he dont want this relationship to be like it is. Whats making it worse is that he says after a few months of no contact and i have changed then he will consider taking me back because he does love me but not this relationship. I was on anti-depressents for over a year then stupidly came off them about a year ago without talking it through with my doctor, and now again he has given me another prescription for the same tablets as he knows that i let my troubles overtake me. My partner always thinks the worse of me and believes i always take the easy road out taking these tablets thats why he believes that if we split and not see eahother he will know that my love for him is real and not just something im use too. I was told a few years ago that i couldn't concieve naturally and that i would have to go through the IVF route and due to that i feel like i have no worth but i keep getting told im been stupid because there is a chance. I understand what people say when they say that but its not them going through it, not them who is having to look after there partners 8year old daughter, not them who is sat watching all my friends start there families. I'm not intitled to that though because of the way i decide to live, the way i eat, the way i put myself across to others. What he and others dont realise that there are reasons for me been like that but i never realised that it would make him want me to leave. There has been so much that has happened in this relationship with resulted in both of us been unfaithful to eachother but because he was unfaithful at the beginning and i was 3 years into it,its makes more of a difference what i did,i explained that it wasnt like he thought it was like as if i had gone out and had an affair because i didnt, it happened for the wrong reasons but he wont believe that. I have tried my upmost best to resolve this and my issues and my anger but never took the right option and actually told anyone an now i will have to do what im told.leave my home we had made together along with his daughter i have brought up just aswel as he has, my dog who is my baby,all of it. To make matters worse all i can think is that he will be with someone else, someone who he loves like i love him. Im in pieces now and i havent even left our home yet,i really dont think i could cope knowing that has strayed from me and found someone else. All i want to do is make it right but he only see's one option for making it right and its the option where i am left devastated and heartbroken where i have to walk. I cant concentrate at work, i cry as soon as im home, i just cant control myself and keep breaking down. I dont know what to do, i know its all my fault i have lost everything but i never knew that my problems was as great. I just want my babe back.

Even now all i can think is to how to get this pain away, i have continuously cried to the point where i am being sick. I dont feel like there is any point without him like as if i have no purpose and then i feel angry that i am thinking this way AGAIN. I'm taking myself round in a circle, a vicous one which alway leads me to cry. I know i am not doing myself any favours acting the way i am, its not exactly the mature thing to do is it? But then the overwhelming feel of pain controls me which leads to outbursts of irrational behaviour. I know i can not mentally deal with this but this is why he says he is doing it, so he knows he isnt what i rely on but choose to want. My head is in a mess.

My heart is pounding ten to the dozen and i cant calm down, its just too much for me to handle. All i want is for him to still want me, all i do is try and please him but how he wants me to do it this time is heartbreaking. My brain keeps ticking and not stopping, i feel like i'm going crazy. This is all my fault and there is nothing i can do except leaave and pray to god that he will want me back, that he knows i am good enough for him. I just want him to know that he is the one for me. I should of told him more, i should of shown him more. Knowing that i have done this to myself makes me even more angry about myself,i just dont want to go on.