Numb

[mello]

I'm a newbie and just poured my heart out about the deep hole I currently find myself in. Just my luck for the post to delete itself. In a nutshell I'm so lonely and desperately needing to relate to someone. I've had depression forever and stupidly always stop taking my meds when I think I can finally manage. It never happens. I'm refilling a prescription tomorrow. But I have to wonder how much antidepressants really mask about what I think and feel about myself and the people in my life. I love my boys to bits, with or without medication. My extended family and husband not so much when not taking medication. What does this say? Frankly I feel so bad at the moment that I dont really care. Don't care about anything. After writing the first post I surprisingly feel a lot better. Would love to hear from anyone who has been on the anti depressant roller coaster.

[Jemma]

I totally understand where you are coming from . I have the same battle i think when i start to feel better i can cope without the antidepressants . I also dont care about anything anymore . I love my partner and family and friends to bits but for some reason i am so emotionally shut down that everyone seems to think i dont love them or even care for them...the only people and things i show emotion or affection too is the kids and the dog .. The truth is i love my partner more than anything i just dont know how to show it . I used to think i was the only person who felt the way you do and stopped taking the medicine as soon as i felt slightly better.You say you dont care ? does it feel like no matter what life throws at you you just dont care wheather it be good or bad?Like nothing matters anymore ? that you feel you are only exsisting?You feel like noone truely understands you that you are alone in your own little world trying to deal with the depression and work out why this is how you are ? where did it come from what triggered it off? or is that just me?

[mello]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it made me feel not so alone to know that someone else understands. I can relate to everything you said, even about the dog lol.

Today I started taking my meds again. I take Prozac, the only one that works for me without any side effects. I took a higher dose to start with again and I swear by the afternoon I was starting to feel a little better. I haven't been off it for too long, and I'm sure within a couple weeks it will have built up in my system again and I can start feeling normal. Why is there such a stigma with antidepressants?

You asked what triggered my depression. Initially it was a result of coming from a very dysfunctional family. Life has always been a struggle for me. These days it doesn't take anything to trigger my depression unless I stop taking my medicine. Actually off my medicine anything can trigger it, i become very sensitive to everything. I also have hormonal problems which I think plays a part in my depression.

What about yourself? Any triggers?

[Jemma]

Honestly it started when i was 15 and i got into a relationship with a guy three yrs older ...being 15 i was young and nieve and thought i was in love ..yeah the relationship was good to start with but by the time i reached 17 he started to cheat with numerous ppl and rub it in my nose ..by this time i was trapped he had mentally absued me and me believe i was worthless that no one would want me ...that i was ugly and no good.. i became self conscious and withdrawn from friends .. it then turned to physical abuse aswell as mental and verbal abuse ... i felt trapped ...there was no way out ..i was ashamed to tell anyone..i stayed with him until i was 19 before i finally got the courage to leave.. Was actually my partner of now who helped me escape ... but the thing is after being abused i feel like i have turned into the abuser ...not physically or mentally ...but verbally .. From then on i have never really got over it ..i am still very self conscious and withdrawn at times . I also have an illness (hypermobility syndrome) With this i dont feel normal as i am in alot of pain and find day to day life hard to cope with with the depression without the illness adding to it .. i dont feel normal ... but then what exactly is normal? ... Anything sets me off ...i am like a ticking time bomb !

[Jemma]

Hey mello replied to your private message but for some reason doesnt seem to send ... i have tried a few times ... let me know if u get it xx

[Not_an_Option]

Wow these are my feelings also. Glad I found this.

[dustinthewind]

I've gone off my meds too a few times. Now I don't find it worth it--I have finally accepted that my brain chemicals need a boost. It is difficult to tell if the depression started because I came from an abusive background or whether this would be my path regardless. But here I am now.

I hope the meds kick in quickly for you!

[Not_an_Option]

My situation is a restart of an event that happened over 30 years ago. It took over 10 years to get over it. This situation was re introduced into my life recently. I thought that it was in the past. Now its like day number 1 all over again. I had been doing well. Meds had been cut back by the doctor. Now I am back taking full strength with added meds again. I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I have no desire to do anything now. Cant find happiness anywhere. I wish I could just sleep and not ever wake up again. The meds have helped with the suicidal thoughts but now I feel useless.
My job is to help lift the spirits of others. I cant lift mine at this time.[/quote]

[balcony]

Hi Not_an_Option, I remember meeting you recently in the Chat room. Nice to see you here as well. Sounds like you are dealing with a tough situation. I do believe issues from deep in our past can and often do return at times during our life. I am sorry that something that took so many years to get over is back and causing you such pain. It is good news to hear that your meds are working a bit and you in better control of your negative thoughts. I hope with time and continued work things improve a lot more. Keep fighting to feel better, strong hug.

[Not_an_Option]

Thank you so much for the support.

[mello]

Hope things are better for you this week not an option. I don't know whats wrong with me but my meds don't seem to be working. I have no one to talk to who understands, as far as others are concerned I have the near perfect life. But I don't, I have no direction, internally I'm miserable and I really think there isn't a lot of joy in life period. Everything so mundane, I'm pissed with my husband for many reasons. My eldest son who is 18 hasn't a clue as to what he wants to do in life and I feel everyone is judging me as a result. I sometimes feel guilty as i often dream of leaving my husband but don't have the financial means to cope alone. Omg if he knew I just wrote that he would be devastated. Actually I can't believe I just wrote that! It's all about sex with my husband and I hate sex. Hate hate hate it! Was sexually mistreated by two previous partners and I could quite happily live without it forever. As much as I've tried to explain this to hubby he doesn't get it, he really doesn't. I also feel like he is truly a lousy father. Look financially he provides well and always has, but I feel like I take on the emotional burdens for my kids, I blame hubby for my eldest having no direction in life because he's never had a father to guide him. Doesn't help that hubby isn't his biological father either. Wow can't believe all this is coming out. I've been ignoring it for years, funny how things we ignore never really go away. Think I'll go back to my psychiatrist to have a chat. I'm clearly not thinking straight. We also moved into a new home a few months ago and it's making me depressed too. I feel so ungrateful and abnormal. I really do. Sorry for the rant but it just had to come out.

[Not_an_Option]

I am so sorry you are still feeling that way and I think going back to the pdoc is a good Idea. I am slowly coming out of the numbness. I had to stop procrastinating and for myself to get back out to try to do the things I enjoyed. Just the other day at work some of the people I work with came to me and stated that they could tell that something was wrong. I just told them that I was tired. I am trying to take it 1 step at a time to get my life somewhere near back to the norm. My situation also stems from an incident that my wife did. It was an incident that happened over thirty years ago and I had put it past me. It took almost 10 years to do that. I hated my wife. I married her because she was pregnant and me being in the military I could use the benefits for the medical care. I found out that she was already pregnant before we met from her family and that the child was not mine. The baby came early of course and was not premature.
It hurt me so bad that I was deceived that I couldn't stand it. Anyway the father of the child adopted the child and we moved on I thought. 33 years later I apply for a job , very good job and got the job and lost it before I started. The organization did a back ground check which also includes one on her because we would be working together in ministry. They checked our public social accounts like face book etc. And found out that there was another child that I had not reported. I had no Idea that she had done that. She had posted it on our kids and her friends accounts. She never told me she had done that. I had to find out the hard way. It opened up a healed wound for me like it just happened all over again. I put a lot of time money and training to get the job. Now any job I apply for in that field I feel will end the same. It hurts so bad that I can not keep my composure to even explain the situation to the organization.

Thank you for listening to me you are the first person I have said this much to.