the person ive become. o

[traci728]

I am 22. And like every person in the world I've had my ups and down... Through my teen years I thought of those downs as nothing more then normal... I graduated highschol with good grades and near perfect attendance. I started my first job at 15 and loved working to support myself. I took on under the table jobs and as many hours as legally possible on the books. I started college and was very excited about this new chapter... About 4 months into my first year that all started to change. I was doing fine grade wise... But it was getting harder everyday to drag myself out of bed and actually go to class. My advisor started to notice the changes in me since our original meeting and she suggested I go to a therapist. I tried that for a little while but how do you tell someone what is wrong with you when you don't even know yourself? I eventually dropped out. I tried a technical school for a few months but I didn't like it there either and I left.

At this time I am 18 and "in love" with my boyfriend. He becomes my whole world... All I really feel like I have. I let him change me. Mold me into whatever he wants me to he. He doesn't like my friends... I stopped talking to them. He doesn't like my make up... I stop wearing it. He doesn't want me to wear fit/revealing or anything that you can see my shape out side of our house... So when I leave home its sweat pants and hoodies hair in a bun. He doesn't like to way I drive... I'd give him the car. He doesn't like the photos on my computer because they are of a girl who is dead and a girl he hates. So on and so forth... He took my whole identity away from me and I let him. I let him do it because I loves him and just wanted him to be happy. And for a while we were till I was no longer a challenge and he had me where he believed was where he wanted me. Stuck, dependant... A girl with no where to turn... Not a soul in the world to care about her if he kicked me to the curb. And for a while I even believed it myself... I stayed. He cheated I forgave. I tried to make it work... Till he cheated more and the old me came out of where I hid her gave me the courage to walk away to move on... To realize I am young and have all the time and opportunities in the world. I didn't need to deal with it. And I don't regret my decision to leave. I am now 20

However this is where the real problems have begun. I went home to my parents to start off from scratch. To get my life in order... Do all the things I wanted to and maybe one day find love. But there is no rush. But it is 2.. almost 3 years later. I have a couple friends but Ihave found it hard to talk and trust people. Every time someone gets close to me I pull myself away. I don't leave my house besides to go to work. I have been seeing a guy for a little while now... We exchange "I love you" and I feel it and I mean it... But I question if he does. I still hold him at arms length afraid.

I use to have a voice and a back bone and dreams. I knew what I wanted in my life... When I wanted what... Everything planned to a t. I look at my old pictures of my old life and I see this fun loving fearless girl with the world at her feet. But then I look in the mirror and see a shy scared girl with no one to turn to. I use to have heart and I put it into everything I did and gave it to everyone I cared about. I went out of my way to make sure every one of my family members and friends had everything the needed or wanted... Literally gave my best friend most of my clothes because she got kicked out and had nothing. I let friends live with me when they had no where to go. I fed everyone I made sure everyone got to work on time. Had extra cash to lend out and make sure no one went with out. I still do all of these things if I am asked...

All I want is an ear... Someone I can trust. Someone who won't just tell me I'm being stupid. I know people have it worse then me. I don't claim to have a horrible life. Im just stating that I am terrified to talk to people and most days even to walk out my door.sometimes I just stay in bed because I don't have the energy to get up and get dressed. I don't know what is wrong with me...or exactly when it happened... But I changed.

[dd-va]

traci, thank you for sharing your story here. I am sure many of us can identify with your feelings. I can completely understand what you mean when you say "I have changed" I feel that change inside myself as well. I try to accept the changes in me, and make them more positive. You will not be judged here, no one will tell you that you are being stupid. Take Care and Keep Posting!

[horizons]

Hello Traci,

I'm sharing the same feelings and story as you do. I'm just 2 years older than you and I thought I had hopes and dreams as well. I've been in the happiest place of my life, and it's been so good, and I've actively searched for better, for more, more work, more studying, more of everything.

And somehow, I've ended up in this blank space where there is nothing. I feel like all I have been working for in the past years has been in vain because I am not the person I thought I was.

There is nothing worse than being called stupid for having these emotions.. yes, people have it a lot worse, but we are out there living this life, our life, and it's mighty difficult to get out of bed in the morning and put on a smile and be judged by your peers for smiling too much or too little, and people belittling your emotions and thoughts and deeming them totally and utterly useless is the opposite of help.

At the moment, I have just started out seeking help, reading stories about people on this forum, posting replies to them, trying to help telling them that you're not alone, and that in turn I am not alone and that somehow we need to be for each other.

Written online words might not mean much, but they sure can be helpful sometimes when all else around is nothing but a blur.

[traci728]

Thank you both... It's nice to have a place to be able to talk and not have to worry about judgements and being told to shut up. I have had my good days and my bad lately. I opened up to my boyfriend about some of the things I've been feeling... He's been helpful but he isn't sure how to handle me sometimes. One second I'm okay I'm normal old me... I try so hard not to act scared and put a smile on my face... And sometimes I feel happy and okay... But it seems like it can take me all of two seconds to slip right back into being quiet and shy and terrified of everything around me. Just wanting to come home to my bed. I try to drag myself out to have fun but my mind wins the war of reasoning on why I shouldnt and that there is only let down and heartache and pain waiting on the other side of my door. I've been spending more and more time just crying... Sometimes I can't stop and I hate it. I don't like feeling this way.... And everyone thinks I can just snap my fingers and stop it. And I wish I could but I can't... I try and talk myself out of feeling like this and just think positive thoughts...