IN CRISIS

[xken728]

i had to phone the chrisis team on friday ,things have become so bad ,they came out to see me the same day ,i could barely speak for crying so much ,they were very nice and stayed for an hour .a consultant will be calling out to see me on monday .so at least i can have a little hope
All is lost just now and i cannot function as i should ive lost weight and just lay around all day ,all i do is pray but nothing happens ,
I try to do things but the fatiuqe is terrible ,these are the darkes tdays i have ever known ,
Hello to my very good freinds here ,,goodnight Ken and Fran

[dd-va]

Ken,
So sorry to hear that you are struggling so hard at this time. I hope that things will improve for you soon. Take care

[crystalgaze]

I'm sorry to hear as well.... However, I am glad you called for HELP! That was good! I hope things will improve for you ASAP....

[xken728]

Its been weeks now since i became ill ,or worse than i normally am ,its strange that here in the darkness i cannot see the things that i fear so much ,but i know there here ,i feel weak and frightened in a way i have never felt before .all i can do is sit in my chair in the room and listen to my radio ,i dont like going out altough i do but i find it very intimidating ,
i feel a man no longer but a frightened mouse a failure for my wife and two girls ,the husband and father has left ,and this cold stranger is left behind .myself and Fran have talked alot and i tell her how i feel ,she tells me that we,ll come thru it all and i WILL feel better one day ,and even as low as i feel now i must hold on to this beleif .feeling as i do i dont imagine i could feel any lower ,life has dealt us a number of cruel blows over the last 3 or 4 weeks it really has never been so bad for us but Fran just keeps on going i cant imagine the strain she is under with me being down and her illness as well she really is being so strong .
Please let the powers that be help me to find my way back so i can return to my family were i belong dont hold me in this lonely place any longer ,im sure i dont deserve this i have done much good in my life ,
Goodnight to all my freinds here ,,,,,,Ken and Fran

[balcony]

Hugs, xken728...strong hugs. What you are describing is very sad. I am so sorry for your pain and struggles. I do hope the team that comes on Monday will have some strong suggestions and support for you. Yes, you can move forward and get better. You must believe this and work with all your might to make it so. I am unclear as to whether you have seen a doctor or are being treated for depression....medications in combination with therapy do help a great many people.

(((Fran)))) my support as well. Watching someone you love suffer is very painful. I hope you will consider joining this site too, if you need to talk.

Keep posting, will be following how Monday turns out.

[xken728]

thanks for your kind reply ,i cannot really be bothered to write much of a reply ,so as you may gather my state has not gotten any better ,the crisis phychiartrist came out to see me on the monday but all he was interested in was making sure i wasnt going to kill myself ,altough he was very kind ,so i have to wait till this wenesday to see my own phychiartrist ,he tells me he will sort me some phycologist out ,i must admit at this stage in procedings i have lost all hope ,my wife Fran and my two daughters know i would not hurt myself because i love them so much and i know they love me .but if the choise was mine i would not be here ,when Fran and i got married i gave her a little peice of paper ,such a simple thing saying i would look after her for ever ,and that i will do .we hug each other two or three times a day just to let her know the real me is still here ,and the cold dead looking creature she sees is only the cloak of this dark dispicable illness we call depression .this pain i feel now is so great i feel so cold and lonely ,almost unworthy below any other form of life .ive been in bad places before .but this is a new place cold and unfeeling ,there are things in the shadows i dont understand .
Why dont my prayers do any good ,wenesday is my last hope but i feel i have fallen so far ,that im beyond reach .best wishes Ken and Fran

[balcony]

((xken728)) my thoughts and prayers for you and your family. Hang in there, I hope Wednesday is a start down the road to feeling better. I know you can do it, you must believe that too.

[xken728]

as i thought ,on the day it would be a little dissapointing ,the doctor i did not see ,but one of his opo,s they are going to put me in a group were you discuss your problems ,my medicatoin will remain the same but i will also have cbt ,it may seem that im ungrateful for this but ive heard it all before or maybe im just not thinking posatively ,but at this time i really am at a very low ebb ,and all i can see is misery ,see it feel it sleep it ,I think i need to be working part time again ,i have nothing in my mind and its just going crazy .
It will be at least another 8 weeks before anything takes place and i really cant see that far ahead ,i feel i will go insaine ,i do try to keep going but im so tired ,,,,,,,,,Goodnight

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken,

Take all they offer. Good luck with it, and I hope you sleep well. Take care.

Warmie

[xken728]

hi there Warmie i hope your doing ok ,as you can see from this thread im really struggling just now ,im tired and have no energy to do anything ,i will take all they offer ,but it seems a long time in coming ,myself and Fran have had a really rough ride over the last couple of mnths ,thanks for your comments , best wishes ,Ken and Fran ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))))

I know the journey you have traveled and you never give up. You do so much for the love of Fran, keep that in your mind. I have faith in you.

All is well here, as best as can be, thanks for asking. Do take care of yourself and Fran. Give my best and hugs to her for me, please and ty.

Warmie

[xken728]

Thanks for your kind reply Warmie ,hope your feeling ok ,Its been a few mounths now since i became really ill and there has been no let up ,
this really is a dark place im in now ,i almost feel insiane the pain in my mind is such a torture .
It is touching Fran now and she says ive gone away and she wants me back ,the person she sees in not me ,
I cant do anything and it take all my strength to get up in the morning .
When i do think straight i can see i have so much to be happy about but my tormented brain wont let me see it ,the doctor has put me on diet suppliment drinks brcause im losing weight ,
What hurts me the most is i can see the strain im putting Fran under and this is very painful ,i pray and ask for help but each morning i wake up in horror at the thought of living through another day .I will pray again for some help but as for that ,i cant see this ending soon its been so long i really am tired and weak .
Goodnight everyone thanks for your interest ,,,,,,Ken and Fran

[St8arrow]

Its been weeks now since i became ill ,or worse than i normally am ,its strange that here in the darkness i cannot see the things that i fear so much ,but i know there here ,i feel weak and frightened in a way i have never felt before

From St8arrow

Hello xken728

Please tell us about some of the things that fill you with fear. From one of your submissions I determined that you are not working right now and if that is the case, then your belief that you are not being a good husband and father might be part of those fears. That is a feeling of failure in the things that are important to the bread-winner in a family.

From xken728

--- Fran just keeps on going i cant imagine the strain she is under with me
being down and her illness as well she really is being so strong .
Please let the powers that be help me to find my way back so i can return to my family were i belong dont hold me in this lonely place any longer ,im sure i dont deserve this i have done much good in my life ,
Goodnight to all my freinds here ,,,,,,Ken and Fran

You are indeed lucky to have such a positive thinking wife. I have noticed that you believe in the power of prayer but there is an expression from the Bible that says --- "The Lord helps those who help themselves." That advice is all well and dandy but the trick is to discover, or have someone show you, --- how to help yourself.

I am about to tell you a story that might seem to have no point in regards to what is happening in your life, but trust me, --- it does.

This afternoon, I needed to change the tire and inner tube on the bicycle that I came to the library with tonight. I was fumbling with this achievement. I finally took the wheel back to the Canadian Tire store where I bought it and they showed me what I was doing wrong.

The point is simply this. Positive thinking or praying is not enough. If you require more knowledge to succeed at the achievements that are important to you, part of a positive attitude is to recognize when you need more knowledge and have the courage and the tenacity to acquire that knowledge. And still further, you have to give up your feelings of embarrassment at having to ask for help. Even if it turns out to be a simple thing, other people invariably are more than ready to help you.

I've used this ending before but here goes again. Luckily for you I just fell off my soapbox and it has splintered all to heaven. As some cartoon character used to say: Ah debe ah debe --- That's All Folks.

[xken728]

thanks for your interest ,
today started as usaull waking with a knot i my stomach and a fear of the day ahead.its strange that i feel i cant take much more ,but some how i keep going ,stay clean shaven and well dressed ,
What i would like to do is stay in bed and be left alone ,i can see the things that bother me are just in my head and dont really exist out side of my fevered mind .but no matter how hard i try i cannot put these negative thoughts to rest .
As i sit in bed now its my little bit of peace time. Today has nearly ended and tommorrow is not quite here another dreaded day ,a walk in the darkness that is my life at this moment in time ,will it be over soon this pain i feel now has never been so bad ,ive always been able to cope but this is just never ending ,Fran keeps worrying i will hurt myself .
Ive told her that this could never happen as i have the love of my family around me ,But she knows if i was alone in this world i would end this life
thats how bad i feel .I gave her my soul when we got married so it is not mine to take anyway .ive suffered From depression all my life ,but have never suffered like this before .Heaven and hell dont exist as most people think ,but thats what i feel my mind is now ,you dont have to be dead to live in hell ,it is without doubt a place on earth .
And what of tommorrow ,we,ll i will pray but im sure i know what will await me .i can still have hope and maybe i,ll wake up feeling better ,
Today is the tommorrow you worried about yesterday the words
Im looking out of the window now and all i can see is fear and emptiness
but i,ll give tommorrow another chance and we,ll see!!!!!!!!!!!

Goodnight Ken and Fran

[dustinthewind]

You story really strikes a cord with me. I obviously don't know exactly how you feel, but I know that ache of staring at the ceiling and being in bed and thinking nothing positive, no matter how I try to "get over it". Have your meds been changed yet? It is so frustrating to wait for them to work and even more so when they don't after waiting all those weeks.

I am praying for you and your family. I wish I knew what to say--funny how I don't even though I've walked a similar path. Here is my best go: You matter. You are worth feeling good and having a good life. I will pray that those things come and come with speed.