How do I make people understand?

[AliB05]

Hi, i'm a 20 year old male and in my second year of uni. For about 5 or 6 years i've been unhappy with myself with bullying being the main reason to why this started. However it wasn't so much a problem for me until I started uni. The thing is, within about 2 weeks of uni I was self harming and not leaving my room. My parents were of course concerned and I got help. I thought it had gone but the truth is it was just lying dormant and I was lying to myself and everyone else. I came back to uni Sunday after feelings of inadequacy and uselessness plagued my Christmas holidays. I've started harming myself again and am not sleeping at night. I feel as though I am here to be a punching bag for everyone and I spend 90% of the time on my own because I feel I have no friends. None of my mates at uni know of my previous depression but I seriously want/need help. I've seen a psychiatrist and have been on medication before but it didn't get to the bottom of it. There is one person at uni who understands me but I don't feel this is enough. Please help/suggest something because I can't take these feelings of guilt and the pain I feel in my head is tearing me up. I don't want to self-harm or be depressed but I don't know how to deal with my problems. Anything anyone can suggest will be appreciated more than you can know.

[Obayan]

It was really hard for me when I had to tell my husband and daughter about me. What I did, was i went on the internet and printed out the symptoms of depression and ptsd. With a bright red marker I circled all the ones that applied to me. I wrote at the bottom, "this is how i feel, not just right now but every minute i'm awake. If you want to talk, i'm here and will talk to you."

I was so scared and embarassed and ashamed.... it went a lot better than i thought it would though. And i ended up with a good support system at home. And we even talked about way they could help me when i get really bad.

[balcony]

AliB05, you sound like a very, brave young man. It is hard enough to deal with the changes of university life: classes, roomates, away from home, new social scene etc. I am so sorry that you must battle these personal issues as well. Seeing the doctor was a great thing to do. Does the student health offer a counseling service on campus as well? Not sure what your university is like but many have on campus ministry programs ....and sometimes these programs just offer really nice men/women who love to chat and help students work through some of the difficult issues of being away from home. Consider checking out our Chat room here at Depression-Understood as well, you will find a lot of nice people who can relate and share their stories with you. Take care and best of luck.

[AliB05]

Thank you both for your replies. I know this sounds bad but I feel so ashamed of the way I feel and for harming myself. It's hard to talk to other people about it because unless you have been through it or something similar people don't seem to understand. My parents phoned me today and I didn't know how to react so I ended up shouting down the phone at my mum. I feel terrible for it but it but I didn't know what to say to them. They know i've had problems in the past but I just can't open up to them. I really don't want to feel like this, it's horrible and I want to live my life. I'm at uni for crying out loud, i'm meant to be having the time of my life but instead i'm sitting in my room with my door closed whilst my housemates are sat downstairs having fun.

[balcony]

((AliB05)) yes, exactly. I understand why you feel that way. The nice thing about the Chat room at Depression-Understood is that you would not have to explain yourself. There are many persons in chat who have the exact same self harming issues and feelings of shame. I would say, however, that professional help/counseling should be a part of the support system too. As far as your parents, I can imagine how hard it is for you. As a mother of 3, I will tell you that anger and withdrawal in a child is a telltale sign that something is really the matter. I doubt your parents are in the dark. They might just not know how to talk with you about it. Keep reaching out and remember that often positive change happens in tiny steps. You have taken a big step already by talking here..be proud of that.