I Hate My Life, and I Don't Care
Posted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 3:38 am
Edit: Perhaps this should be in 'New Member Introductions'? I somehow missed it, or I would have posted this there.
Hello, everyone. This is my first post here, and frankly the first time I've really told anyone about my emotional concerns. I am not sure what to tell you folks, but I'll give some basic information:
Some Background
I am currently 27 years old. My entire life I have had difficulty connecting to and understanding people and their concerns, and to be frank I haven't cared all that much.
When I was young I used to have a lot of shouting/silence conflicts with my mother (my father was not around), and after my mother died (when I was 14) my sister. Among other reasons, because I hated school and refused to go. I tried 'alternative' schools, but found it to be more of the same garbage.
I was supposed to see various counselors and psychiatrists, but I did not like any of them and refused to speak to them; typically, I refused to go. Various diagnoses were made, from ADD to 'Oppositional Defiance Syndrome', and an attempt to put me on Ritalin was made; but I threw it in the garbage and refused to take it. Once I was put on a medication that gave me a seizure and I told my mother if she ever snuck drugs into my food again I would do the same to her.
I am unemployed, and have been most of my life. I briefly worked for the Post Office (har-har) and a couple of other minor jobs. I've been kicked out of JobCorps (for drinking), and frankly that place was a Hell-hole full of morons and I don't mind (nor do I mind that I was truant, for the same reasons).
I have not had a relationship or sex with a man in years, not due to a lack of sex drive. I have a sense of utter inability to deal with 'normal' people, they simply make no sense and bore me; and I just can not get the motivation to even bother looking. I have had a few boyfriends, but nothing lasting.
I have some good friends whom I rarely have any serious conflicts with (though some passive/aggressive stuff has gone on), but the majority of people I don't even know how to talk to. I don't know why, but everything they say is so utterly uninteresting to me and the feeling seems to be mutual.
I often find when I try to have positive social relations with people (which happened when I worked at the Post Office) that I will end up creating a complete facade, and doing this makes me feel extremely stressed out and tense.
I smoke marijuana regularly, but not until I turned about 23; and I can not tell that any of my problems have been exacerbated by it. I have done other drugs, but nothing regularly except Adderall a few years ago, and I have no desire to do any of them again.
Issues
You can probably infer some of these from above, but as far as I can figure it my main problems are:
1) Ennui. I have been, especially as I get older, chronically 'depressed'; but I have rarely found myself weeping or in despair as I would have imagined depression to be. Instead I am just apathetic to anything but the most short-term gains; I can find no motivation to get out of bed, look for a job, or even apply for Food Stamps.
2) Frustration/Anger. I find many people difficult to deal with, I can not understand their motivations or concerns and, frankly, I find a lot of them stupid and ignorant; I find dealing with peoples' ideological fixations and 'conventional wisdom' to be so irritating that I can't (or won't) stop myself from being snide about it.
I don't know how much of this is useful or whatever, but I have no money and I am not comfortable talking to people I know about this.
Hello, everyone. This is my first post here, and frankly the first time I've really told anyone about my emotional concerns. I am not sure what to tell you folks, but I'll give some basic information:
Some Background
I am currently 27 years old. My entire life I have had difficulty connecting to and understanding people and their concerns, and to be frank I haven't cared all that much.
When I was young I used to have a lot of shouting/silence conflicts with my mother (my father was not around), and after my mother died (when I was 14) my sister. Among other reasons, because I hated school and refused to go. I tried 'alternative' schools, but found it to be more of the same garbage.
I was supposed to see various counselors and psychiatrists, but I did not like any of them and refused to speak to them; typically, I refused to go. Various diagnoses were made, from ADD to 'Oppositional Defiance Syndrome', and an attempt to put me on Ritalin was made; but I threw it in the garbage and refused to take it. Once I was put on a medication that gave me a seizure and I told my mother if she ever snuck drugs into my food again I would do the same to her.
I am unemployed, and have been most of my life. I briefly worked for the Post Office (har-har) and a couple of other minor jobs. I've been kicked out of JobCorps (for drinking), and frankly that place was a Hell-hole full of morons and I don't mind (nor do I mind that I was truant, for the same reasons).
I have not had a relationship or sex with a man in years, not due to a lack of sex drive. I have a sense of utter inability to deal with 'normal' people, they simply make no sense and bore me; and I just can not get the motivation to even bother looking. I have had a few boyfriends, but nothing lasting.
I have some good friends whom I rarely have any serious conflicts with (though some passive/aggressive stuff has gone on), but the majority of people I don't even know how to talk to. I don't know why, but everything they say is so utterly uninteresting to me and the feeling seems to be mutual.
I often find when I try to have positive social relations with people (which happened when I worked at the Post Office) that I will end up creating a complete facade, and doing this makes me feel extremely stressed out and tense.
I smoke marijuana regularly, but not until I turned about 23; and I can not tell that any of my problems have been exacerbated by it. I have done other drugs, but nothing regularly except Adderall a few years ago, and I have no desire to do any of them again.
Issues
You can probably infer some of these from above, but as far as I can figure it my main problems are:
1) Ennui. I have been, especially as I get older, chronically 'depressed'; but I have rarely found myself weeping or in despair as I would have imagined depression to be. Instead I am just apathetic to anything but the most short-term gains; I can find no motivation to get out of bed, look for a job, or even apply for Food Stamps.
2) Frustration/Anger. I find many people difficult to deal with, I can not understand their motivations or concerns and, frankly, I find a lot of them stupid and ignorant; I find dealing with peoples' ideological fixations and 'conventional wisdom' to be so irritating that I can't (or won't) stop myself from being snide about it.
I don't know how much of this is useful or whatever, but I have no money and I am not comfortable talking to people I know about this.
