I Hate My Life, and I Don't Care

[Inescapable_Ennui]

Edit: Perhaps this should be in 'New Member Introductions'? I somehow missed it, or I would have posted this there.

Hello, everyone. This is my first post here, and frankly the first time I've really told anyone about my emotional concerns. I am not sure what to tell you folks, but I'll give some basic information:

Some Background
I am currently 27 years old. My entire life I have had difficulty connecting to and understanding people and their concerns, and to be frank I haven't cared all that much.

When I was young I used to have a lot of shouting/silence conflicts with my mother (my father was not around), and after my mother died (when I was 14) my sister. Among other reasons, because I hated school and refused to go. I tried 'alternative' schools, but found it to be more of the same garbage.

I was supposed to see various counselors and psychiatrists, but I did not like any of them and refused to speak to them; typically, I refused to go. Various diagnoses were made, from ADD to 'Oppositional Defiance Syndrome', and an attempt to put me on Ritalin was made; but I threw it in the garbage and refused to take it. Once I was put on a medication that gave me a seizure and I told my mother if she ever snuck drugs into my food again I would do the same to her.

I am unemployed, and have been most of my life. I briefly worked for the Post Office (har-har) and a couple of other minor jobs. I've been kicked out of JobCorps (for drinking), and frankly that place was a Hell-hole full of morons and I don't mind (nor do I mind that I was truant, for the same reasons).

I have not had a relationship or sex with a man in years, not due to a lack of sex drive. I have a sense of utter inability to deal with 'normal' people, they simply make no sense and bore me; and I just can not get the motivation to even bother looking. I have had a few boyfriends, but nothing lasting.

I have some good friends whom I rarely have any serious conflicts with (though some passive/aggressive stuff has gone on), but the majority of people I don't even know how to talk to. I don't know why, but everything they say is so utterly uninteresting to me and the feeling seems to be mutual.

I often find when I try to have positive social relations with people (which happened when I worked at the Post Office) that I will end up creating a complete facade, and doing this makes me feel extremely stressed out and tense.

I smoke marijuana regularly, but not until I turned about 23; and I can not tell that any of my problems have been exacerbated by it. I have done other drugs, but nothing regularly except Adderall a few years ago, and I have no desire to do any of them again.

Issues
You can probably infer some of these from above, but as far as I can figure it my main problems are:

1) Ennui. I have been, especially as I get older, chronically 'depressed'; but I have rarely found myself weeping or in despair as I would have imagined depression to be. Instead I am just apathetic to anything but the most short-term gains; I can find no motivation to get out of bed, look for a job, or even apply for Food Stamps.

2) Frustration/Anger. I find many people difficult to deal with, I can not understand their motivations or concerns and, frankly, I find a lot of them stupid and ignorant; I find dealing with peoples' ideological fixations and 'conventional wisdom' to be so irritating that I can't (or won't) stop myself from being snide about it.

I don't know how much of this is useful or whatever, but I have no money and I am not comfortable talking to people I know about this.

[Obayan]

Oftentimes we will do things subconsciously to sabotage ourselves. We will feel we don't deserve better or just don't have the energy to make the changes that are needed to get better. I sense a lot of anger also. My depression oftentimes presents itself as anger and I do have a self destructive streak as well. I think you have a lot of changes that will have to be made if you ever hope to have anything worth having. I tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and it helped me a lot. I had to go thru it twice for it to sink in, but it really did make a difference for me. I hope you find what works for you.

[Inescapable_Ennui]

Oftentimes we will do things subconsciously to sabotage ourselves. We will feel we don't deserve better or just don't have the energy to make the changes that are needed to get better. I sense a lot of anger also. My depression oftentimes presents itself as anger and I do have a self destructive streak as well. I think you have a lot of changes that will have to be made if you ever hope to have anything worth having. I tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and it helped me a lot. I had to go thru it twice for it to sink in, but it really did make a difference for me. I hope you find what works for you.

I definitely get angry, in fact I basically can't even talk to people who disagree with me on politics because they make me so angry (despite the fact that I know practically everyone disagrees with me).

The thing with therapy is that it requires money. And if I had enough money to pay for it, I wouldn't. I would buy books, and clothes and marijuana, etc.

[Obayan]

If you are in the usa, every city is required by law to provide medical care, including mental health care, for those who can't afford it. If oustide the usa you can google the samaratins. It's an option when choices are in such short supply nowadays.

[Inescapable_Ennui]

If you are in the usa, every city is required by law to provide medical care, including mental health care, for those who can't afford it. If oustide the usa you can google the samaratins. It's an option when choices are in such short supply nowadays.

I am in the U.S.A. I'll look into it. Maybe.