stress mounting turned into depression and self harm

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

Moderators: windsong, BlueGobi, Moderators, vince13, Maelstrom, Astrid

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

stress mounting turned into depression and self harm

Postby kutsuu84 » Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:39 pm

So this is my first time posting on something like this... my first time really even trying to let this all out... I Have been massively depressed since 2009 end of summer.. I had my entire life fall apart quickly and one of my dreams stolen from me. I don't want to get into too much detail snce it will give away the ability to find out who I am and I would rather just stay anonymous.

A loved one passed, a career path closed and current employment ended, I was almost imprisoned for 20+ years for a crime I was not guilty of. I lost several so called friends and my home. I hve since felt like a burden to those who remain in my life, I feel like a total failure with no value to anyone. I have been employed by 2 companies snce 09 and both have targeted me as a problem, despite my trying to be on the straight and narrow. I'm not old... but I'm not a child either. I have a girlfriend who I can't be with openly due to work and legal matters for her.

I have an amazing girlfriend who for some reason unknown to me loves me. But I feel like I'm holding her back from her dreams. I go day to day thinking about all the shit going on in my life, and the most recent issue was a couple days ago, I got up to take care of the small child my girlfriend has been blessed with and while I was holding him I felt like I needed to end things before he really starts to know me as daddy, before I can bring this dark cloud into his life and my thouhts imediately ran to walking across my bedroom picking up my knife and stabbing myself directly in the neck, and pulling forward with my last bit of strength... the only thing that stopped me is the fear of what that event would do to an infant further down the road... I haven't told anyone about my current desires to end my life nor do I plan to, but I just feel like it would be the bes path to take to eleviate the strains I have put on my parents and save my girlfriend from having to deal with my depression.

So to conclude I feel lost... I've started to hit myself, and cut myself in such a way that I looks like scratches, I pick at scabs and scratch patches of skin until they become raw (when overwhelmed) the pain is not helping me feel any control, and I am not doing it for attention as no one knows about it, I do it cause I feel like I deserve to suffer physically to equal out the mental issues.

I don't know if anyone will really be able to pull me back into a healthy sane state... but I fgured it can't hurt to vent and try and let this out to people who can't personally judge me for my failures

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:50 pm

I'm glad you have someone in your life who loves you and is supportive. Please be aware that it is not a sign of weakness or failure to need help. It's a sign of being human. We all need help sometimes. One of the most responsible things we can ever do is recognise when that time comes and seek out the help we need. I'm really sorry it has been so hard on you.

shatteredhopes
Posts: 664
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 1:39 am
Location: U.S.

Postby shatteredhopes » Fri Sep 30, 2011 7:52 pm

((((((((Friend)))))))) (that's a hug in cyber land) my heart goes out to you. I have lost almost everything, but somehow have managed to go on for several years. I am now preparing to lose my home. My mom, the person I hang on to, is 80 and in poor health and won't be around much longer. I have concluded the only way to hang on is to find a way to make a difference. I don't know if I will, but I am trying.

First, I would like to suggest to you that after so much loss, not just death of a loved one which is hard enough, but also loss of jobs, your home, your dreams, etc. is to get a copy of the "grief recovery handbook" it has been recommended to me by someone it was of great use to in finding healing and I am hoping it will help me and you too. Grief can be unbearable and come out in a multitude of ways and there is so much misinformation about grieving out there based on old incorrectly adapted models sometimes its hard to get good help.

Are you seeing a therapist? Can you? Can you try journaling and writing your feelings as an alternative to harming yourself write what you are thinking and feeling before you do something impulsive? What about rather than cutting or picking, a therapist suggested ice to me, tracing ice on the skin? Drawing on yourself a pretty butterfly that you won't want to cut?

Do you do anything creative? poetry, painting, music, crafts, writing, etc. That can be very useful to find means of self expression.

As far as a new dream, what about helping others? Something like the Innocents Project or something since you were almost falsely convicted for 20 years for something you didn't do, the innocense project has freed innocent people from death row. Recently a man who many believe was innocent was executed in Georgia, and the conviction was very suspicious. Fighting to save lives, if this interests you, and to disclose when innocent people are incarcerated or executed may bring pressure to bear on the justice system to be more certain. I cannot imagine how traumatic that experience must have been for you, but hopefully you can find some healing somehow, maybe by helping others in similiar circumstances or getting involved, if that appeals to you.

Another thing that helps me sometimes, when i'm really down or can't stop thinking about harming myself, I tend to go to a 'happy place' in my mind for a bit. A fantasy, a good memory, a beautiful place like a rainforest or mountainside...I take a mental vacation once in awhile just to redirect my thoughts and lift me up a bit. Hope it helps you.

Posting here my thoughts has been helpful. Sometimes just writing out our demons helps rid or free us of them just a little, and sometimes we get ideas and help coping through tough moments. Welcome to the forum.

Wishing you light and peace in your day.
"Sorrow floats" John Irving

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Fri Sep 30, 2011 8:15 pm

Thank you Obayan for that, I feel wierd asking for help... I have always just moved on and been self sufficient but these events really put me in a deep hole that I have yet to climb out of.

and thank you Shatteredhopes. I greatly appreciate the information you shared. I would have to assume I am young enough to be your child given the age of your mom (I'm sorry she is not doing well) My dream was federal law enforcement... because I wanted to make a difference, and be true and honorable in upholding the law and protecting the innocent. I am currently in a job where I can not seek out therapy or help using real identifiable information, so a therapist even if I trusted one to do more than take my money is out of the question. I am not big on reading... not that I am against it just can never get into any literature I pick up for whatever reason if it is more than an office memo or a operating procedure I tend to daze out and get bored quickly. I have tried a journal and simply writing, but it all turns into scribbles and I honestly can't find the words to describe effectively how I feel or why most of the time. As for the Innocents Project, that sounds somewhat interesting, and yet at the same time rather frustrating since it was the judicial system and local PD that tried to ruin me. I am afraid I may take those fights too personally is the real concern. The Happy place is my gf's arms... I get a hug from her and I feel like the rest of the world doesn't exist. It is one of the reasons I know we love eachother, if we didn't the hug would feel the same as when anyone else hugs me and I feel empty still.

ON AN UP NOTE!
Last night my gf noticed the marks on me, and said she saw something in my eyes that bothered her... she picked at me until I gave in and opened up... I told her about everything... in full detail, all the small things that I didn't mention here due to the indentifiable factor... I feel a lot better than I did yesterday, I think my current 3 week long funk may be drawing to a close... hopefully things get a little better still and she told me I was being silly to think that she would think less of me for speaking about the issues I am having. She just held me for a while and I felt better... she also said she will help me work through the issues I am having and help me to move past it. I am truly blessed to have her in my life. I will stay on here, and hopefully my future posts will be more of this same, thank you both again for the kind words and supportive views. I am still feeling fragile but I feel like there is actually a light at the end of this long tunnel.

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Fri Sep 30, 2011 11:02 pm

doesnt it feel like a huge weight lifted? it did for me when i opened up. Once i started talking i couldn't stop. but it did calm down after a while. I'm so glad you have a light in your life hon. Hang onto it.

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:32 am

Had a rough night.... I went over the line a little bit, didn't end up cutting or hitting, but I got upset and threw a phone across the room.... not sure if outward anger is a positive sign or not, but at this point I feel like an idiot for lashing out... but I don't feel any desire to "punish" myself for it right now... small victories maybe?

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Sat Oct 01, 2011 5:45 am

I used to do the same thing. I started carrying a picture of my family in my pocket. When I got angry, before I ever said or did anything, I'd take it out and ask myself (out loud).... "are these the people i want to hurt"? It helped a lot in controling those urges.

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:28 pm

The 2 people I consider to be my family are my gf and her son, and I have a wonderful picture of the 3 of us together smiling... I am still afraid of losing them or hurting them but I am greatful to have them

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Sat Oct 01, 2011 3:44 pm

That would be the perfect picture then to carry with you. Believe me, it really does help a lot to control the anger and outbursts. :)

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:09 am

I have some really great news that has me feeling on top of the world... my gf just told me tonight she took a pregnancy test and it was positive... obviously a doctor is going to have to confirm it, but I feel amazing right now! Things really are getting better for me faster and faster... and to be entirely honest its not the fact that she ma be pregnant... is how she feels about the whole thing... I am really without words on how great this feels

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Tue Oct 04, 2011 1:51 am

I'm so happy for you! Congrats!

llorona
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Oct 04, 2011 12:19 pm

Congrats

Postby llorona » Tue Oct 04, 2011 4:00 pm

on your news

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Thu Oct 06, 2011 11:09 am

Well finaly got a blood test done.... not pregnant :( kinda sad.... not depressed sad... but dissappointed... I had my hopes

Obayan
Posts: 4517
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 4:51 am
Location: oklahoma
Contact:

Postby Obayan » Thu Oct 06, 2011 3:14 pm

practice makes perfect! and it's fun. :)

kutsuu84
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Sep 29, 2011 5:13 pm

Postby kutsuu84 » Sun Oct 09, 2011 3:18 pm

uhm, had a bad couple days.... I won't be posting on here again I'm quite confident in that. I want to say thank you to all the people who reached out to me, and cared. felt good... thank you again... you helped me through a hard hit, and I appreciate that.


Return to “Your Story”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: MSN [Bot] and 8 guests