I'm new here, but have been hanging around for a while and noticing that so many of you here have had terrible experiences in your lives to surmount, awful troubles and difficulties. My problem is somewhat different.
I have gone through my life being almost entirely manically happy. I've been fortunate with family and friends, and although my much beloved father died when I was 21, nothing has really gone too wrong in my life. Very occasionally I would have suicidal feelings, but could always brush them aside. I over-used alcohol for some years, but that is more under control now.
I decided to train as a child psychotherapist in my 40s, and part of the training is that you have to undergo analysis; six years on the mania has cracked away and I'm left with the resulting bleak sense of worthlessness. I know WHY I'm like this (depressed mother, to be shockingly reductionist), I'm just having real difficulties in handling this. I eat too much - its about my only pleasure now - I don't excercise at all, I fantasize about killing my partner or myself, I hate myself and feel just lost. I still see my analyst 3x a week and he's told me that this is what happens, coming down from such a huge split (manic happiness + occasional suicidal thoughts), and it shows I'm getting better. But I can't bear it, it seems like all the joy has been leached out of life. And its christmas coming up, and last christmas was the worst ever, so many family rows, that I'm truly dreading it.
Does this make sense to anyone? What am I doing moaning on, when so many of you have real problems?
Oh hell. Sorry.
An odd one....
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- ButterflyKisses
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Tue Sep 25, 2007 8:21 pm
- Location: South Bend Indiana
(((Felicia)))) welcome to the site!! Yes, the holiday season is a tough time for a lot of us. Seems that the "happy" time of year, is just a more magnified time for the rest of us, to feel more blah about our lives. I understand what your saying completely. Never devalue your feelings Felicia! No matter how big or small your situation, it's YOUR feelings! Hope you can find the help you need here
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