I know Im weird

[loliowe]

Im not weird because I suffer from depression but I find Im weird because of the areas in which my depression seems to stem from and how it allows my mind to wonder and worry about everything.

Well I was molested as a child by a family member very close and I was molested again by my first boss while I was still a minor. I am now 45 and still find myself questioning everyone and their motives for wanting to be around me and my children.

I have children of my own now and my depression and paranoia seems to have me question everyone around me. I cant have a relationship without it going sour because I worry if they are capable of doing something similar to one of my kids. I cant seem to work because I feel like I have to try to protect my children at all times, even though they are older now.

Not only does my mind play with me in these areas but it seems to like to go off into the world and thoughts of good versus evil. I seem to see more of the evil that people are capable of versus the good. I seriously feel there is a real war being waged between good and evil and that evil seems to be winning more of the war on the human race.

My mind seems to speak to me in these terms, sort of like keeping me aware of how much wrong there is in everyone and what I need to work on as far as myself in order not to be as evil.

Maybe its because the molestation in my life and other family members seem to have happened from preachers, minister, and people who were actively involved in the church.

I would love to be able to let this go and live normally without fear but I just cant seem to. The fear consumes my mind and actions daily. I dont trust many. I feel that I need to make my world smaller and smaller to fight this. Is there anyone who can even slightly understand what I am going through?

[jj]

hi loliowe,

im so sorry to hear what you went though, and that its still with you now. i can understand that you will fear for your children because of what happened to you, im sorry that it seeps through to you relationships and turns them sour though.

did you ever get any help for what you went through as a child? did you tell anyone?

sorry again for what you went through

jj