Mind as a Battlefield

[Serrao]

Some people may look at me and think I have no reason to be depressed. I come from a reasonably normal family. My childhood was no worse than anyone else's. I always had a roof over my head and food on the table. I had friends. I had nothing to be ungrateful for.
I'm not terrible looking...I have always been a straight A student, I finished University, I currently hold a professional and well-paying job.

So really, I shouldn't have a reason to be unhappy. I have accomplished everything I've wanted to accomplish. But now I feel like my pursuit of happiness has come to a complete hault. I thought after reaching my goals I would no longer have a reason to feel depressed. Like getting to a better place financially and socially would make it go away. I always told myself, "one day it will be better, once you reach your goal things will start to look up."

I'm well-educated and I feel as though I should know the difference. I should be able to stop it. I should be able to control my emotions. I toss the ideas around back and forth seeking some sort of logic to hang onto...but at the end of the day it comes back to how I'm feeling...and that's when rationale goes out the window.

Recently, a highly respected member of our community killed himself. He was a police officer. The response was mixed - "why did he do it?, how could he do it?, how dare he do this to his family?" and so on and so forth.

While everyone was discussing their inability to understand suicide and placing their judgement on this man as selfish and inconsiderate, I was feeling a sense of peace and release for him. I even felt slightly envious. He no longer has to suffer.

I realised these feelings were not normal and so shortly after this experience I saw my doctor. He placed me on an anti-depressant. I have since tried several other medications due to side effects. Those of you who know what it's like to be on medication understand how long it takes for the drug to start working. Weeks have become months with what seems like endless trials.

I feel like I'm not meant to get better. My job has become unsatisfying, I am lonely, I cry endlessly and sporatically, I feel lost, I feel like no matter what I do and no matter how hard I try and no matter what I accomplish....I will never ever reach that place. The place everyone wants to be. I feel like there is no "up". There is no better place...it's nothing more than a lie we feed ourselves to keep motivating ourselves into trying harder, working harder, being better.

My most important question is, if there really is no where to go that can bring happiness, then why are we all striving so hard to get there? How many disappointing accomplishments must we achieve before we realise that there is no better place? All this work and effort is just draining...and for no reason at all.

So here I am, back at square one...thinking about the police officer....and wishing I had the same feeling of peace and release regarding my ownself....which I still indoubitably feel for him.

......

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((Serrao)))))))))))) (that's a hug)

I have a degree from one of the better universities in the USA. I had at one time a succesful career, was married, had friends, a cause I felt passionate about, did volunteer work...but the depression was still there. It got to the point I kept trying to commit suicide...tried medication after medication after medication even ECT during one of my multiple hospitalizations. So I understand what it is to have 'no reason to be unhappy' but sometimes depression just is for no apparent reason.

One thing that did help a bit was therapy and talking about the feelings and not keeping them bottled up. Sometimes our thoughts are out of kilter and it takes an objective person to help us get back on track and sometimes we just need understanding and acknowledgement, and sometimes there can be helpful suggestions for coping through the illness.

Also, is there anything you feel passionate about...a hobby a cause faith, anything? Anything that doesn't harm others that gives you a little pleasure or comfort, even if its only temporary?

Maybe posting here and getting out your feelings might help, or trying blogging or journaling. Anything creative you enjoy? Writing poetry, painting, any form of self-expression that can help release the pain from being bottled up inside, where it just churns and reinforces itself.

My heart goes out to you. Wishing you a little light and peace in your day.

[loliowe]

Hi Serrao

I really can understand your statement
"There is no better place...it's nothing more than a lie we feed ourselves to keep motivating ourselves into trying harder, working harder, being better. "

I find myself realizing that there seems to be no real happiness that last long enough to suffice me. I find myself looking for much more than just achieving an education, good job, and great home. There is something else bigger and more important that I am to strive for. I believe that God intended for us to think outside of just that also. Maybe it's just time for us to give church and learning more of the knowledge of God and his intentions for us. I do long to be in a church community in which I can listen to the ills within the community and try to do what I can to help people. To really help change lives and peoples opinions of others. I see church as the best setting for things of this nature to be accepted, also where I can continuously work at something different and fulfilling as far as dealing with people on a regular basis. Imagine trying to get people to be open, honest, helpful. and willing to spend time with others on any other set. Next to impossible.

There is definitely something we are all supposed to strive for out of and in each other. Im not even sure of exactly what I am trying to say or how to say it but maybe reaching out and learning in a different area of life was always supposed to be added to our agendas.

I wish you the best and hope that you continue to seek help and understanding of your situation.

[Serrao]

Thank you for those who posted....

shatteredhopes:
thank you for all the info and for taking the time to reply. I think part of my problem is that I'm living in a very small town that's far off the map. Access to therapists and normal services is very scarce. I guess that's partly why I turned to the internet.

Painting is a great idea. I used to paint all the time. I may start that up again just to see if it helps. I think some things that I used to enjoy I've lost interest in - I guess it's part of the depression, or maybe I'm getting growing lazy, I don't know.

The one thing I'm very passionate about is my dogs. And some people may find this hard to understand but my dogs are like my kids. I don't have any kids, so these are my replacements. The fact that I'm living alone in a town located in the middle of no-where means that if I do anything to myself, I can't guarantee they wouldn't be affected.
So when I think of suicide, I think...what about my dogs? Who will look after them? What if they aren't found within a few days and starve? etc etc etc. The thought of anything happening to them stops me dead in my tracks (No pun intended). My love for them is really that strong. And they didn't choose me, I chose them. So it just wouldn't be fair to them.

I'd love to volunteer with a rescue organization but there's nothing like that in this area.

You are right about bottling it up. I'm hoping this forum will help me express my feelings and get them out, as I've been holding them inside for quite some time now. I feel like I have nobody to turn to.

loliowe: Thank you for the info and for taking the time to post.


You said: "There is definitely something we are all supposed to strive for out of and in each other. Im not even sure of exactly what I am trying to say or how to say it but maybe reaching out and learning in a different area of life was always supposed to be added to our agendas."

I agree with this. I guess in my situation I'm just trying to figure out what that is. There has to be more to it...

I understand what you are saying about church. Personally, I've never had much success with that route. I live in a small town where church is only about going to make an appearance, note who isn't there, label them a backslider, and then gossip about them all week. I hold a status in the community which I must keep professional to the public eye, and so it keeps me from wanting to get involved with that kind of non-sense. I've tried the religion thing without church as well....also not my cup of tea. If anything it made me feel more alone...like God doesn't hear me or care about my situation. Praying did not help at all. Things just got worse, so I just dropped it. But I do thank you for your suggestion.

Perhaps for me, this thing I'm supposed to strive for, perhaps I just have to figure out what it is.

Maybe I just need to move to a more urban environment where there are more opportunities for me to explore. But I'm in a contract, so I have at least 10 months to go before I can even think about where to pick up and move lol.

As for my displeasure in my current job...I think a big part of the reason is because I feel like...I was conned into coming here. I feel cheated and taken advantage of. I'm counting down the days, literally. I signed a 2 year contract and I'm just over half way through.