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So, my story..

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:14 pm
by to_fedra
I think I came to this forum/community because I feel so terribly lonely with my thought about life and I have no one to talk to about them. I do have lots of friends and a loving family, and still, there is no time or place in my life where I can talk about all the darkness and sadness that hovers inside of me. So I'd like to share this with you.

So here's my story.
I think my greatest problem is I am naive. I have, since I was very young, belived in people and human beings. I have laid my trust in goodness and kindness. Allthough, as time has passed I've experienced things that made me loose all faith in humanity and goodness and for me, this is a huge problem. I wake up every morning and I try to motivate myself to keep on living and I try desperately to find the meaning of my existence, but I never find it. The only things I see around me are people loosing hope, loosing faith in life and loosing their happiness, or people who choose to not see.. anything, not even other people's suffering.

To begin with, I've always wanted to make a change. I want to see that I can do good and that I can change people. I've been working with film, acting and writing for several years and I've been told my work is really good and important and inspiring. Allthough, I've also come to learn that weather you do a good job or not doesn't matter when it comes to film and acting. It has only to do with whom you sleep with or who you become best friends with. This fact killed off all my motivation and I've found myself completely lost. Creating movies, plays, novells is everything for me. Also, I am too shy, and my personality doesn't match with the kind of people who work in this business.

My aunt is an alcoholic. She's been sick for years and she's been clinging to me and have wanted me to "save her" and help her for a long time. I'm fed up. I feel suffocated and I get so sad everytime I meet her and I see the hoplessness in her eyes. She is mean and selfish and yet so lonely and sad. I hate her and love her at the same time. I can't bare it.

I've always been worried for my sister and brother too, since they are both very "shy" and "nervous". I've been hoping for so long that a miracle would happen and that they would get stable life's and become happy. They're not. My sister has started taking drugs and my brother never get's a job and is now depressed.

Now, two years ago, my other brother and sister were brutaly murdered by their older brother and my father and their mother are now deeply traumatized. My dad was the one to find them and he will never be the same again.
During this time I had an artistic group whom I worked together with, I thought about them as close friends, and they took this opportunity to throw me out of the group (first telling me they didn't want to get involved with my problems and then telling me everything they disliked about me). This was two days before the funeral.

Now.. this is just a few things. Maybe the bigges thought. But since all off this I just can't seem to like people. I look at people and I see only people who would stab me in the back, who would leave me and who would do what it takes to get what they want, not caring if they hurt others on their way. I don't want these thoughts, but willpower, I'm afraid, can't win againts experience. I want to be able to believe in people again. And in life, and in hope.. but I can't see it. Without these things, I can not understand why I should bother to live on. And when everyone else is giving up I can't find the strenght to go on.

Now, therapy. I've tried it. Didn't work. Medication. Tried it. Talking to people.. only works when people have time to listen. They never do. "Distraction", makes me frustrated and more depressed in the long run. Thinking happy thought.. well I need to believe in them at least a bit for them to work. I don't. I don't believe in goodness and happiness and fairness anymore.

I guess I am asking for help to start trusting people again, and to believe again. Or maybe just to talk to someone who knows of this feeling. Because right now I feel so terribly lonely with it all. I see only death around me and a long stairway going down, down, down.. well for me, and everyone I care for.

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 3:23 pm
by shatteredhopes
(((((((((Katrina)))))))))) (that's a hug) you have been through so much at such a young age, and the way you see the world is somewhat more realistic than most I'm afraid...disillusionment is so hard on us but there is hope.

I just want to share with you a personal story. I was betrayed hurt or tramatized by almost everyone in my life and even professionals whom I should have been able to trust. But I have this neighbor whom I used to pay to mow my grass. Time came I was so broke I could pay him any more, but week after week, he still mowed my grass. One time I tried to give him 20 bucks I had and he refused it because he knew I needed it more. When it snowed in the winter, I would wake to find my walk shoveled. A bush died, it was cut down. Lightning hit and split a tree in my yard, it was cut down piece by piece and personally hauled off by this man. There are good and compassionate and caring people in this world, rare though they may be, they are out there, and you will find some of them.

My first suggestion is since you are a workaholic and have much energy, consider doing a little volunteer work when you can squeeze it in. If you do something to help the homeless, or animals in distress, or human rights or whatever, you may meet some people who are genuinely good and kind and decent and caring to restore your faith in humanity just a tad. It also might give you some ideas for your novels. And most of all, it will remind you that you can be a good decent person even in the face of many people who are not, a life-affirming lesson. Maybe you could do something like a theatre project for disadvantaged children? I dunno what interests you, but maybe something along the lines of your profession helping people who are really down on their luck.

Second, given the situation with your aunt, I would highly recommend al-anon which is for family members of alcoholics. You need the support of others who have been there with alcoholics and learned to take care of themselves first and heal the hurt they can cause and help you deal with the sense of obligation and love while setting some safe boundaries for yourself.

Depression is awful, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. But, there is something about mental illness which can make particularly artists and leaders truly great. Did you know Abraham Lincoln suffered 'melancholia" as they called it in those days and that made him more compassionate? Depression can also make us more realistic about the world and what is in our control. I've heard this from a cognitive scientist and a shrink. That sounds at odds with what is perceived as a thought disorder, but I think it is very true. Think of all the great novelists, actors, musicians, painters, etc. who suffered depression. You are in good company and this unfortunate illness may actually help you in your career, although that I know is no consilation.

Meds don't work for everyone, and there's been reams and volumes written about how they can inhibit creativity. So I can understand if you don't want to try the med route again. Even though therapy didn't work before, I doesn't mean it can't work. Your therapist may have been a bad fit for you, and I hate to say it, but some therapists are just a waste of money. But there are good ones out there, so try not to give up hope, and maybe try again, but with a little bit of research and interviewing of therapists to find one who is a good fit.

Since you are a writer, writing can help whether posting here and getting feedback or journaling. It helps me a lot just to get stuff out, and when I post here, sometimes I get useful feedback and its nice to know others care and understand.

Wishing you all the best and some light and peace in your day. I look forward to your posting further.

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 5:12 pm
by to_fedra
Shatteredhopes, thank you for your answer. The story about your neighbor really made me happy to hear. It gave me some light to know these poeple exist. I wish their lives are as happy and joyful as they deserv to be. Also thank you for your kind, wise words.
I will try fighting back and make art that bring happiness and knowledge to people, my only concern is wather I will have the energy and the hope to keep going. I'm just so scared my energy some day will just run out and I will give up completely. Sometimes life is like watching a game or a match where the bad guys keep winning and the good guys keep dying. I think I lack the source of energy. Of "life energy". Although, your story was indeed a source of energy, so thanks again.

I will also share a story with you, which I experienced today, and I hope it will give some strength and hope. Where I live we have a magazine for homeless people to sell in order to earn money and have a job to go to everyday. Hardly noone ever buys this magazine. Such small an effort, but still noone buys it. So, today a homeless man came to sell and I had no money on me, but I asked him to sit down. He did and he also explaned to me I could buy the magazine with an sms, and so I did. Now, the magic happened. When we were talking, more and more people started to come up to him and asked how to buy with an sms, and I think he got to sell almost twelve magazines just because of this. I'm so happy I gave him the time to explane this instead of just ignoring him, like most people do. I think people suddenly (having him sitting among them, talking to me) felt obliged to take action. They couldn't ignore it when I didn't. This made me really happy to see I could change peoples actions by just one small action.

I wish though that this would work in a larger scale too. And I wish good people would start affecting the world in this way, not just people who wish to be famous or who wish to make money.

Posted: Fri Aug 19, 2011 12:25 pm
by shatteredhopes
(((((((((Katrina))))))))))) Thank you so much for sharing the story of the homeless man, you totally brightened my day, as you did his and the many others who gave...because giving feels good doesn't it? I really think life works like that, our actions have ripple effects. When we do something good it sets off a chain reaction. Unfortunately, when people do bad things it sets off a chain reaction too, only it sometimes seems like that moves in waves rather than ripples.

But I personally have decided that I want to let the badness stop with me. Not seek revenge on those who have hurt me, and even if I cannot completely forgive and am damaged by them, I can find a point of compassion for them to see them as human. For example, this horrible horrible doctor who messed me up bad, her son was valedictorian of a local high school, so I try to picture her as a good mother. It helps a little to see her as human with some virtue, takes a bit of the sting away from what she did to me, and stops me from lashing out at her or others in my pain. Even if my point of compassion is totally imaginary for some people, it keeps me from feeling so completely hopeless when faced with some people who do truly awful things.

I understand the fear of running out of energy. But if you have passion for your work that can maybe replinish you some, even if you have to take extended breaks here and there. Writing novels is something you can do away from other people, so maybe that would be good if you need to take a break. Writing short stories or novels or whatever....I am not the best to give advice in this arena as I have sort of given up lately and don't try much of anything anymore. But I am 48 almost 49 and totally burned out. But I am hoping it is just a respite and I can try some things again in the future.

You should be so proud of yourself for what you did with that homeless man. He will be quick next time to tell people about the alternative payment option and maybe in the future those people who gathered and bought magazines will do so again from him or some other homeless person, and spread the word.

Did you know Amnesty International started with just a letter to the editor about human rights to a local newspaper? One person writing started a chain reaction that became a global movement that has had a huge impact.

Never, ever doubt the power of simple kindness. Be proud of yourself. For all you know, that may have been the turning point in this one person's life. Feel good knowing that you are one of the good ones. Defy the bad ones by continuing to do good things despite them, despite knowing how horrible this world can be, we can still be compassionate beings.

Big big hugs and thanks and hope your burden is little bit lightened today as you have lightened mine.