So, my story..
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:14 pm
I think I came to this forum/community because I feel so terribly lonely with my thought about life and I have no one to talk to about them. I do have lots of friends and a loving family, and still, there is no time or place in my life where I can talk about all the darkness and sadness that hovers inside of me. So I'd like to share this with you.
So here's my story.
I think my greatest problem is I am naive. I have, since I was very young, belived in people and human beings. I have laid my trust in goodness and kindness. Allthough, as time has passed I've experienced things that made me loose all faith in humanity and goodness and for me, this is a huge problem. I wake up every morning and I try to motivate myself to keep on living and I try desperately to find the meaning of my existence, but I never find it. The only things I see around me are people loosing hope, loosing faith in life and loosing their happiness, or people who choose to not see.. anything, not even other people's suffering.
To begin with, I've always wanted to make a change. I want to see that I can do good and that I can change people. I've been working with film, acting and writing for several years and I've been told my work is really good and important and inspiring. Allthough, I've also come to learn that weather you do a good job or not doesn't matter when it comes to film and acting. It has only to do with whom you sleep with or who you become best friends with. This fact killed off all my motivation and I've found myself completely lost. Creating movies, plays, novells is everything for me. Also, I am too shy, and my personality doesn't match with the kind of people who work in this business.
Further,
My aunt is an alcoholic. She's been sick for years and she's been clinging to me and have wanted me to "save her" and help her for a long time. I'm fed up. I feel suffocated and I get so sad everytime I meet her and I see the hoplessness in her eyes. She is mean and selfish and yet so lonely and sad. I hate her and love her at the same time. I can't bare it.
I've always been worried for my sister and brother too, since they are both very "shy" and "nervous". I've been hoping for so long that a miracle would happen and that they would get stable life's and become happy. They're not. My sister has started taking drugs and my brother never get's a job and is now depressed.
Now, two years ago, my other brother and sister were brutaly murdered by their older brother and my father and their mother are now deeply traumatized. My dad was the one to find them and he will never be the same again.
During this time I had an artistic group whom I worked together with, I thought about them as close friends, and they took this opportunity to throw me out of the group (first telling me they didn't want to get involved with my problems and then telling me everything they disliked about me). This was two days before the funeral.
Now.. this is just a few things. Maybe the bigges thought. But since all off this I just can't seem to like people. I look at people and I see only people who would stab me in the back, who would leave me and who would do what it takes to get what they want, not caring if they hurt others on their way. I don't want these thoughts, but willpower, I'm afraid, can't win againts experience. I want to be able to believe in people again. And in life, and in hope.. but I can't see it. Without these things, I can not understand why I should bother to live on. And when everyone else is giving up I can't find the strenght to go on.
Now, therapy. I've tried it. Didn't work. Medication. Tried it. Talking to people.. only works when people have time to listen. They never do. "Distraction", makes me frustrated and more depressed in the long run. Thinking happy thought.. well I need to believe in them at least a bit for them to work. I don't. I don't believe in goodness and happiness and fairness anymore.
I guess I am asking for help to start trusting people again, and to believe again. Or maybe just to talk to someone who knows of this feeling. Because right now I feel so terribly lonely with it all. I see only death around me and a long stairway going down, down, down.. well for me, and everyone I care for.
So here's my story.
I think my greatest problem is I am naive. I have, since I was very young, belived in people and human beings. I have laid my trust in goodness and kindness. Allthough, as time has passed I've experienced things that made me loose all faith in humanity and goodness and for me, this is a huge problem. I wake up every morning and I try to motivate myself to keep on living and I try desperately to find the meaning of my existence, but I never find it. The only things I see around me are people loosing hope, loosing faith in life and loosing their happiness, or people who choose to not see.. anything, not even other people's suffering.
To begin with, I've always wanted to make a change. I want to see that I can do good and that I can change people. I've been working with film, acting and writing for several years and I've been told my work is really good and important and inspiring. Allthough, I've also come to learn that weather you do a good job or not doesn't matter when it comes to film and acting. It has only to do with whom you sleep with or who you become best friends with. This fact killed off all my motivation and I've found myself completely lost. Creating movies, plays, novells is everything for me. Also, I am too shy, and my personality doesn't match with the kind of people who work in this business.
Further,
My aunt is an alcoholic. She's been sick for years and she's been clinging to me and have wanted me to "save her" and help her for a long time. I'm fed up. I feel suffocated and I get so sad everytime I meet her and I see the hoplessness in her eyes. She is mean and selfish and yet so lonely and sad. I hate her and love her at the same time. I can't bare it.
I've always been worried for my sister and brother too, since they are both very "shy" and "nervous". I've been hoping for so long that a miracle would happen and that they would get stable life's and become happy. They're not. My sister has started taking drugs and my brother never get's a job and is now depressed.
Now, two years ago, my other brother and sister were brutaly murdered by their older brother and my father and their mother are now deeply traumatized. My dad was the one to find them and he will never be the same again.
During this time I had an artistic group whom I worked together with, I thought about them as close friends, and they took this opportunity to throw me out of the group (first telling me they didn't want to get involved with my problems and then telling me everything they disliked about me). This was two days before the funeral.
Now.. this is just a few things. Maybe the bigges thought. But since all off this I just can't seem to like people. I look at people and I see only people who would stab me in the back, who would leave me and who would do what it takes to get what they want, not caring if they hurt others on their way. I don't want these thoughts, but willpower, I'm afraid, can't win againts experience. I want to be able to believe in people again. And in life, and in hope.. but I can't see it. Without these things, I can not understand why I should bother to live on. And when everyone else is giving up I can't find the strenght to go on.
Now, therapy. I've tried it. Didn't work. Medication. Tried it. Talking to people.. only works when people have time to listen. They never do. "Distraction", makes me frustrated and more depressed in the long run. Thinking happy thought.. well I need to believe in them at least a bit for them to work. I don't. I don't believe in goodness and happiness and fairness anymore.
I guess I am asking for help to start trusting people again, and to believe again. Or maybe just to talk to someone who knows of this feeling. Because right now I feel so terribly lonely with it all. I see only death around me and a long stairway going down, down, down.. well for me, and everyone I care for.