That's my story!

[Black Sheep]

Hello!

Well, here is my story. I must say first that I wrote the nearly similar message in another depression related forum a few months ago so when someone should have read this before then I hope that nobody mind! The reason why I write the nearly same message is that my situation is still the same. So everything is still up to date. PS: English is not my first language so I apologize me for eventually spelling mistakes!

I'm female and 27 years old now and since I left school (that's 12 years ago now) my days are looking so that I sit around the biggest part of the day in my rooms (I live in a house with my Mother and her stupid boyfriend, I upstairs and the both downstairs) and spend time with playing video games, watching TV ect.. When I have bad days then I even don't have the energy for that and spend the whole day with to lay in bed because I must force me to everything. Sometimes I have good days like today then I go out a lot with the dog or I drive a bit to town with my Mother. But I still feel me tired, weak and without energy then.

Then I have the problem that I'm extreme afraid of other people (so writing something in a forum is not so easy for me). I actually like to go out with my dog or to walk around in town or chat with people over the internet (when they have contacted me first) but I have huge problems when I must have personal contact with other people. When I must talk with them as example, I prefer to search hours on my own after something in a store before I would ask the staff.

I also suffer under extreme rages from time to time. Mostly when I'm alone in my rooms, I harm myself or I destroy things ect.. Sometimes I have rages in public too but I have me so far under control that other people don't take notice about something. But I tell you that's really a hard piece of work and I must take care that I don't attack other people or destroy things in town! God thanks my last rage is months ago.

As I've said is that going on so since I left school (although I think the first two years after school have been really laziness and it turned into a depression or what that should be later, I think after my father's death it got worse) and that's the reason why I have absolute no skills and never had a job (except from 3 months where I have worked in a factory but I got fired because I got nothing managed there). And that's also the reason why I'm financial complete ruined, I and my Mother are having tons of debts (about 50.000€), I have absolutely no income (I have no demand on unemployment money or social security) and so I live with my Mother from her pension and we get reminders nearly every day. And she is extreme angry because of that because I have inherited the house after my father's death, my Mother has life estate in there and I should actually pay all the bills.

So I would need urgent a job. But I never could find or keep one because 1. For to find a job I would must have direct contact with people (the same count of course when I would work somewhere), 2. I'm so slow in nearly every kind of work which I'm doing (because I feel me so without energy) and I'm physical in a bad condition too, I'm overweight complete untrained and often ill. I suffer under a Pilonidal cyst (but I get very often abscesses on other spots too) and I had already 3 surgeries (the last one last December) and the next one I will have next month.

My Mother and the rest of my family are thinking that's only because I'm bone idle and don't want to work. I have a very bad relationship to my Mother and to her boyfriend and the rest of my family too. The same count for all the other people in my area. For them I'm a work shy and lazy sod! But please believe me that's really not so! I would be more then happy when I would have a job and a normal life like other people!

At one side my Mother make me extreme reproaches and abuse me verbally extreme, but on the other side I have the feeling that she is not so unhappy with that I sit the most of the day in my rooms. When I want to go out for a walk as example then she say often "You would have it at home nicer, you could watch TV or sleep!"

So you can see, my Mother is absolute no help for me! Unfortunately I'm complete depended on her, I have the feeling that I'm nonviable without her. That's the reason why I can't go away from here. (That's a strange thing, for me are my two rooms which I have upstairs the only safe place but on the other side I suffer often under a kind of cabin fever and have the feeling that I must out there) I'm also not able to make decisions without to think "What will your Mother think about that?"

That's also one of the reasons why I can't to a doctor with my mental problems (even to go with my physical ones is hard enough). That and my fear of people and all the other stuff! I have the feeling that my life is a vicious circle. I mean I know that my life can't continue so but I'm absolute not able to change something!

So, now you know something about me. Now to another problem what I have. I feel me so damned lonely and misunderstood sometimes. I had and have absolute no friends in real life and even to get in touch with other people over the Internet is not so easy for me. Altogether I have 3 online friends (this people have contacted me first), 1 person I know since about two months and the other two since over 2 years now. And with this two I have problems, we have sent as nearly daily messages and that has done me good. Unfortunately our relationship has changed over the last months and I have the feeling that I’m only a nuisance factor for them anymore. Because my life is not interesting enough for them! They told me that's very annoying to talk with me because I talk about the same stuff over and over again. Well, when you spend 95% of the day in one room then not much happen in your life. They are also doing so as it would be the easiest thing in the world to change my life. But that’s really not so, or at least not for me!

But what has really hurt me was yesterday as I’ve told them that I must undergo another surgery again and that it could be that I have a longer hospital stay in front of me this time. I hate hospitals and doctors and especially when I have to stay there so the whole situation is very stressfull for me now and I’m afraid of the surgery ect.. Well, the reaction from one “friend” was that she has not much sympathy for me because I have more or less deserved my illness!

As I said I feel me so extreme misunderstood from this 2 people sometimes but I also don’t want to lose them because as I said I have not many friends. So I hope that I’m able to get in touch with friendly people on this forum which understand me and want to talk with me! (My conact details are in my profile)

I thank everyone who has read this message!

Black Sheep

[loliowe]

Hello

I really find it hard to suggest any solutions for you when most would involve getting out and meeting with people. I would guess your situation would fall under some type of anger management or mood management in terms of getting help with the problems that would seem to make it hard to get along with people better. There is usually something that sets off a rage attack and maybe if you concentrate on what those things are then maybe you could manage them better. Also start seeking out other instead of waiting on people to seek you out. Listen more and find things of interest to you that involves being out, even if alone at first. Good luck I really hope things change for you.