I'm pretty messed up. (Triggering)

[Zerocool]

This is an extremely long post, but it describes how I feel. Let's start by saying my life is messed up and completely falling apart. I'm 22, just graduated college and I actually have a job set up across the world. Life should be good, but it's not. I think about suicide frequently, although I would never actually do it. I was addicted to hydrocodone last two years and now I am to tramadol. It's the only way I feel normal.

The reason I'm so messed up is because when I was 9, at an after school christian program, I was molested, beaten, and potentially raped. I am male. All I remember is being punched in the stomach, dragged crying into a room as he pulls his pants down and I have blacked out everything else. I practically remember nothing of my life before this happened, nor a few years after. I have never told anyone about this. For the first time in my life the other day, I cried in front of my friends at a bar, in public, because I started to think about it. I was crying and saying, "Why me." I couldn't tell them why I cried, but I bailed on them and cried for an hour straight at the beach.

The sexual abuse has caused me to be unable to have a relationship, unable to be stimulated in the presence of another person, male or female, and I have tried both. I have never felt true love, I feel nothing towards other people. I very much dislike physical contact. I do not like to hug or kiss. I occasionally cry myself to sleep thinking about it. It is hard for me to make friends because I'm afraid of showing my feelings. My mom thinks I have some sort of brain disorder, but I can't tell her what happened. I have learned to feign happiness. I smile and even laugh, but it always feels hollow.

I was able to block the memory of this happening for almost 10 years, but in the last year or so, I remember more and more. It's painful to write this and I still don't understand what happened. I tried to convince myself that it never happened, but I have vivid memories within my mind. I have blocked the memories, practically all my memories, for so long that I am almost unable to cope with the situation. I know it's not my fault, but I feel like it was. Why was I the one molested or even raped? I don't understand.

I didn't know anything at the time. I just remember it hurting a lot and crying. I knew later what had happened to me, but I was too scared and too ashamed to say anything about it.

I know who did this to me, I remember his name to this day. I have his addressed because in 2002 he was arrested and incarcerated for a year for molesting boys and placed on ten year probation. I have thought about writing him an anonymous letter describing the pain he caused in my life and the absolute desolation I have felt because of it.

I don't want to see a psychiatrist because he/she is bound by law to report any sexual abuse. I don't want to go through it. I don't want my friends or family to find out because it would cause too much pain, but I don't think I can do anything in my life, nor be happy, if I don't see a shrink.
This is not all that is messed up in my life. In addition to the abuse, my mother thinks I am stealing drugs and checks with large amounts of money on them, which I am not. She has accused me multiple times, berates me with harmful words, which do not help my depression. It's like she doesn't even care.

Thirdly, I am being sued for over a million dollars for a car accident that I wasn't even in the same city for. Someone stole the VIN number of the front of my car and is now suing me for emotional damage, medical bills, auto repair, emotional distress, and past and future earnings. I have proof that I was not in the city, but my lawyers are such idiots that they aren't doing a god damn thing, despite calling them a bunch of times. If it is not thrown out, I won't be able to take the job and lose out on the opportunity to be thousands of miles away from this place.

These things are overwhelming and I don't know how to deal with them. I hurt everyday. It is so painful. What should I do? How do I heal? How do I even start? Thank you for reading.

[jj]

hi Zerocool,

im so sorry to hear about what you went though its awful
things always have a way of finding their way back to us. you said you blocked them out for so long, maybe they are coming back now because you are more ready to deal with them.

i know you said you dont want to talk to a psychiatrist because of it having to be reported, but could you maybe tell a close friend or your mom? just tell one person close to you maybe, as a first step. i know it is horrible and you say it would cause too much pain, but would the pain really be worse than the pain you are going through right now, alone? people can be remarkably supportive if you give them the chance. its a big step to let people in like that and i know it feels harder esp when its after all these many years, but that would be my suggestion to maybe talk to a friend or family member as a first step. just try and reach out. think about the idea for abit, and it might become more appealing with some time.

also about the court case, if you have solid proof that you were in no way involved how come they have a case still? when you say "lose out on the opportunity to be thousands of miles away from this place".. what is it you are getting away from? the people, the memories? bare in mind.. you cant run away from yourself.

youve made a huge step posting this and reaching out so well done, i know it must have been hard. its definitely a good first step. like i said next step id say try and find it within you to talk to someone close to you. just think about it

stay strong zero and welcome to the forums.

jj

[shatteredhopes]

Big big hugs. You have suffered so much in silence, and that must intensify the shame (undeserved shame, but no less real and painful).

I am not a lawyer, so I don't know that the authorities are always contacted, especially given an old case with possible statute of limitations issues. But, even if the therpaist alerts the authorities, that may be a very good thing. Consider there may be many many others out there like you that suffered at the hands of this person, and if one comes forward another may too. I am sure the authorities would work with you if you are too fragile or don't have enough memories at this point to prosecute a case, but then it would be on record against this person and that serves to protect others.

I hope you do find the courage to talk to someone, ideally a family member and a therapist. I would also encourage you to get the book "Courage to Heal" which is a lifeline for those who have suffered child sexual abuse.

In my little experience of 48 years on this earth suffering much of the time with mental illness, I have learned that if you don't deal with things and try to block things out as if nothing happened more often than not they will become manifest in some way and can cause your mental health to get worse.

Its hard, but you have to be brave enough to seek out and ask for help. If you are religious, another book you might want to get is yancey's something like "healing the shame we don't deserve".

Molesters are very manipulative at making victims feel its their fault to keep them in silence. Sometimes the only way we can fight back is breaking that silence. Do it not just for the person you are today, but for the young boy inside of you who was so badly hurt. Do it because others may have been hurt as well, and you may help them speak out. It may be this person left a trail of victims and your testimony might not even be necessary for them to be held to further account. I'm not judging you, I just want to see you find peace and healing and for this molestor to not be able to hurt anyone else.

I am so sorry about the lawsuit. When it rains it pours sometimes. Hopefully you can shake the lawyer up enough to get on the ball and get the case dismissed. Sorry you have to go though all this hassle.

Big big hugs. Wishing you light and peace in your day.

[tryingtobewise]

Dear Zerocool,

I think the pain you describe about the rape is eating your insides. It is so important for your well being that you express this pain.

Have you sought out support, either online or live, for the rape? Please, please do that. Preferably a live support group. I think a great first step would be surrounded with people who have been through what you experienced. Those are the people who can help you deal with the pain because they know the pain. Search in your area for a rape crisis center; they should know of the support groups in the area. There may even be a support group for those raped when they were a child. Even if you do not speak at the support you, you will gain release of your pain just hearing of others who have the exact same pain.

I am so happy you get to have an adventure over seas! I cannot see that lawsuit moving forward.

Your life is just beginning; help yourself by seeking out support. You deserve it and you need it.

Get support before you leave; even attending on rape support meeting could be very helpful.

Blessings,
Kathy