I'm not so sure I want Nirvana anymore.

[(Un)Enlightened]

So. (=Finally coming clean)

I suppose I'm the sort of person that relies on self deception, rather than talks about her problems. If I screw up at something, I convince myself that I don't care about the event, that it does not matter. That I'm too 'chill' to give a jack. Someone doesn't automatically buy my charm? Fine, I didn't like them anyway. A friend is talking s*ite about me? Who doesn't talk ill of others on occasion. Could be worse.

No, I'm not feeling down about the break up with my boyfriend. No, I don't feel shame and anger because my friend betrayed me. No, I'm not bored. Hey, I'm a happy person! Look, I'm smiling even now! I also like everybody! Why can't we all just get along?!

And I suppose it would be time, after lying to myself for years (yes, years) to admit that no, I am not happy. I don't feel that glad to see you. No, I really don't like that bar. Or want to dance. Or flirt with you. No, I'm not as promiscuous as I let you understand. Yes, I'm just laughing at your joke to be polite, but seriously I feel too dead inside to laugh genuinely. Yes, I'd rather be anywhere else but here.

And yes, I'm just an empty shell.

I don't feel anything. Well, okay, yes, I do.

On the top of it all, I feel shame because I'm so flawed. The second layer is grief, because I'm starting to realize the nothingness of all. The third layer is fear, that people will leave and reject me. And on the bottom layer there's saturated bitterness and stomach twisting fury.

But there are no happy emotions. Nothing positive, really, other than the one's that I've manufactured for myself. To cope, you know.

It was good at first but now it has lost it's effect.

For example; I used to be able to talk myself out of negative emotions, like fear, and convince myself that I was the best and that nothing could hinder me. Criticism would just bounce out of me. I was unstoppable.

Now, however, I can prep myself enough that a state of numbness envelops my conscious mind, but the bodily symptoms of fear are still there: The elevated pulse rate. The skyrocketing bp. But in my mind, I'm thinking, "I'm okay", even when my hands shake.

...Why isn't it working anymore?



My dad beat me up until I was big enough to fight back.
My dad laughed at me when I cried.
My dad tolerated no noise from me.
My dad yelled at me for laughing.
I was molested as a kid.
My mother is using me for money.
My friends disrespect me.
One of my boyfriends threw me out on the street at night after we fought. In a strange city.
I don't think anyone could really love me.
I think love is just a biological imperative.
I don't think I'm able to let anyone see me.
Sometimes I hate people.
There is no God, or higher purpose. We have no purpose.
There is no meaning of life, other than what we create.
I wish I had a dream, but I don't.
I feel alone even in a crowd.
Please, stay with me?
Please don't leave me.
And please, don't break me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm thinking now of deleting this text. But instead of doing so, I'm going to leave it here, because I want to get better. I am willing to do anything to feel light again. I want my pulse to slow down to normal. I want to be able to relax around people. I want to feel an unmanufactured connection to someone. And I want to not overanalyze everything, and stop caring too much.

I am still not giving up. I was happy once, and I want to feel that bubbling element once more. I have at least one thing to be pride of, and that is that I am a fighter, through and through.

I guess my post has really no other meaning, than for me to get closure. I'm trying another route out of the maze and I hope that it'll get me somewhere. I'm just so...tired. And alone.

Is there anyone else out there who sees the insignificance of the human race in the universe, and realizes how absurd we can be with our beliefs, morals and rules? How close to self-replicating machines we are? How we live our lifes without stopping to think, "why am I doing this?" And how unimportant the things that we consider, important, really are.

Do you ever ask yourself, why?

[crystalgaze]

I find I ask myself "why" about a lot of things. Some of it I think up a possible answer, but in the end, I really don't have a clue!

In my opinion, I don't feel we are close to self-replicating machines. As I see it, it is always possible to do something different than has been done previously. There's also a chance to do the same thing. My nickname given to me by classmates was Random because most of the time, I did something they totally unexpected (& I remember not being able to help it back then).

I think you are already well on your way. Honesty helped me a lot & over time (in my case), things did stop hurting me to the point of being a hindrance/obstruction.

For example, I called my godfather & sent him well wishes for his birthday. He is the same one that kept setting me up with strange men to fall into problems. Yeah.... I called him. It was a personal test to see if I still hurt over the situation & I found out that it's not as bad as it was. I probably won't forget it; it probably won't stop hurting in some kind of way. However, it has been minimized a great deal, & I'm happy for that. The call was a sort of "you didn't ruin me" and "you didn't kill me" and "see, I'm still here".

At this time, I am going to ask you: Have you gone to a doctor (either a general one or the specialist, a cardiologist) for the elevated pulse rate?

I suffered a similar problem, which really interfered with my life (& still does). It was only after being prescribed my heart medication that I felt a little better. I also suffered chest pains. In my case, I had an undiagnosed heart condition & right now, it's in its beginning phase.

I'm not saying your case & mine are the same. Just, what all are your physical symptoms?

About being an empty shell, I--too--am one or rather I feel like one. I encourage you to continue searching for things that you like. I believe you will find something.

Recently, I found out that I like looking at the sky. It's my personal joy. I might start taking more pictures of it & maybe even take some video footage. I remember looking at it yesterday & saying to myself, "I wish I could paint."

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Un)Enlightened))))))))) you have been through so much and are going through so much. I understand what it is to put on an outershell that doesn't let anyone see the pain inside and to repress the pain as if nothing happened. I did that for a long time and it caught up with me. Eventually the pain of something like being molested for most will be made manifest in some way if we don't deal with it. Like in reading "Courage to Heal."

Admitting the things to anonymous strangers is a great first step. Acknowledge that tugging at you, the things you have experienced, and hopefully you can work through all of them.

Just because there is no divine meaning and we each create our meaning doesn't make our own 'meaning' any less important or meaningful. I found some answers in Victor Frankyl's "Man's Search for Meaning." He talks about surviving the experience of a concentration camp and what enabled some to survive while others perished, some by suicide.

(((((((crystal)))))))) is right, I think too that if you search for something that interests you, you will eventually find something. For me, I find helping others and making a difference or attempts to do so have given me personal meaning in the midst of the void. For if there is no god, its really up to us to mitigate the massive amount of human suffering and cooperate to save ourselves, our species, our planet, right?

She is also right that you should have an elevated pulse rate checked out. It may simply be anxiety, or may be something else physical going on, so its worth a trip to the doctor.

You are being very brave opening up here about things I suspect you've kept buried for a long long time. It does take courage to heal and face the most painful events and experiences in our lives. So I hope you don't delete the post but instead seek to further acknowledge what you've been through and are going through and address these things with a therapist or through self-help.

Wishing you light and peace in your day and sending big big hugs.

[(Un)Enlightened]

Obayan: Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply to it.

What I meant about the self-replicating-machines comment was that to me, it just seems like us humans behave in a mostly animalistic and predictable way. Not all the time, but most of the time we act on instincts that we don't realize having. For example, human males admire a curvy, "beautiful" woman because she has the wide hips to give birth to healthy offspring, her larger cup size means that she is able to offer her children more than enough nourishment for them to survive, and her close to symmetrical face, which we have come to recognize as a beautiful face, means that she has great DNA= has a lower risk of disease and is likely to be more fertile.

Human males are like this because of evolution. It was more profitable to prefer females like this, because they produced bigger quantitites and healthier offspring, and thus the male's gene pool flourished.

But I agree that on a smaller level, humans can act in unseen ways, because we as humans are limited and can not always calculate the odds of one event over the others.

I hope that honesty will help me like it helped you, but after reading your and shatteredhopes' encouraging comments, it feels a bit easier to breathe. Really, thank you both. Feels nice to have someone listen to me for once.

I'm also pretty impressed that you confronted your godfather. Good for you.

What kind of a heart disease do you have? Personally, I've been just feeling sort of restless and panicky, even in the most banal of situations, like on a trip to the grocery store. I just feel like I can't relax at all, and my lungs feel tight. It's sort of hard to explain, but I'm just uneasy and I can't really sleep. I suppose I'm just stressed and anxious for no reason, and everything feels void and bleak, even when I'm down town having drinks with friends and joking around.

And about the sky thing- that's one thing we definitely share. I adore the phenomenon that is the sky. The way that it keeps transforming in content and color can be breathtaking. I always take time even at the busiest of times to look up. Better yet, sometimes I imagine what's beyond our athmosphere and feel just...blown away.

It's just hard clinging on to the enthusiasm about the things that interest you.

shatteredhopes: Seriously, I can't put my gratitude into words for your opening and finishing sentences, because even the people that were supposed to support me and be there for me always belittled my feelings and experiences and you're just being so warm and understanding. Thank you.

It seems like you are very literate. Got any book recs, other than what you mentioned? ; ) I like to read, that's one thing I enjoy.

At any case, I also am putting my fingers crossed and hoping that this was the right step to take; opening up and admitting what is really going on inside my mind. Maybe counselling and medication really might bear fruit. Can't hurt trying them out, other than my wallet but it'd sure be worth it if they had any effect.

And what you said about creating meaning in our own lifes holds true, but to me it just isn't as simple as deciding that I should help people in need and protect the environment because before I make that decision, I ask myself: "Why do I want our species to continue living? Why is nature and biodiversity so important?" I'm going to be on this Earth for a limited time. What does society matter to me after I'm gone?

I don't mean to sound cold or indifferent, I'd just like to find a logical answer to it all. I just feel like I'm a newly born and I have to learn things including morals all over again, with fresh, uninfluenced and objective perspective. What are our goals or what should our goals be as humans?

[shatteredhopes]

(((((((((Un)Enlightened)))))))))) For me its not a matter of logic as much as emotion. When I see suffering, I feel compelled to act if I can. I have personally suffered far more than I can bear in my short 48 years on earth, and so I have compassion for others and a drive to help them as so often people helped, or didn't help when they could have, me.

But everyone is different. I think you would find Frankyl's work gives some answers to the existential sorts of problems you are bringing up. He is a psychiatrist who found himself in a Nazi concentration camp.

Maybe there is no reason for the human species to continue. Look at the way we commit genocide, destroy our planet, more enslaved than at any point in human history....etc. etc. But I still feel compelled to help when and if I can mitigate the suffering, help us evolve morally....in the here and now. I have found when I help others, I am helping myself even more than what little I can give.

For you, it could be something as simple as falling in love. A task or hobby or passion like playing music that makes life worth living for you. That's the beauty of it, for everyone it is different, but for each of us it is no less important or real than if we had some divinely imposed meaning.

Another book recommendation that has been given to me (but this one I have not read) is "Feeling Good" ... self-help cognitive behavioral therapy.

I am so glad you are thinking of seeking professional treatment. In the right setting for some it can be very very beneficial. I would caution you however, if you have some freedom, to question the therapist or counselor about their fundamental beliefs if you can, because you might find your self with some right wing christian who thinks these are the biblical end times for instance...and is trying to steer you from such a perspective...I really think therapy works better if two people have a similiar sort of world view and when you have someone of at least equal intelligence.

I can't imagine for instance, how I would have coped if my boyfriend threw me out on the streets in a strange city. Some of what you have been through is truly truly awful, so again, you are very brave for not burying it any longer and preparing to deal with it in a way that will make you more healthy, productive, and better able to contribute to society. So kudos to you. As I said before, I buried things for so long, and ultimately it all caught up to me and came down on me like a ton of bricks.

Hugs. And thank you for your kind words back to me. Please keep posting.