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Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 1:45 am
i joined this forum so i would not feel so alone.
i am desperately trying to find a way out of this hole i am in.
i constantly feel that i have made the wrong decisions in my life.
i am almost 40 and want a family so much. i have spent the last 10 years of my life working on my career, but for what?
every day i am on the verge of a mini meltdown at work. i wake up with knots in my stomach. i fight back tears at my desk. i look for validation and recognition at work and don't get it. i constantly feel like i have been wronged in some way. i think i am becoming paranoid. my relationships at work are strained and i feel like i am driving people away because i am so erratic.
i feel shattered and demoralized and am constantly thikning of quitting. sometimes the only thing that keeps me from quitting is knowing that i would probably be even more depressed without a job... and i hold out hope that i can turn things around for myself at work. somewhere deep inside i think i can, which is why every day i wake up and force myself to go to work and try to be optimistic.. but everything brings me down. i don't feel appreciated, i feel that there are no more opportunities and that depresses me.
Outside of work, my relationship is in limbo because i have not made up my mind this is the relationship for me. and it is killing me because i feel like time is running out to have a family.
Posted: Thu Jun 02, 2011 12:31 pm
First, I totally empathize with the sense time is running out to have a family. I am 48, and now that door is closed for me, but I have learned to accept it. Maybe you cannot have a family right now, but there are things you can do to have a sense of family and children in your life. For example, I used to do a lot of volunteer work with disadvantaged children. In the USA for instance, there are organizations such as Big brothers big sisters and boys and girls club where you can work with one child or more and make a difference in their life. Maybe having a passionate outside interest like that might help with the sadness some. I know for me, when I have hobbies or passions, or volunteer and feel useful and appreciated, I do better overall. Also having a good friend or two, or some sort of social networking opportunities can be extremely helpful in my experience.
I saw on your other post you are hesitant to take medications. Understandable. For some the right medication makes a huge difference, for others medication gives little if any help and sometimes comes with a lot of side effects. But what about therapy? Some swear by cognitive behavioral therapy. Talk therapy, when I used to get it, was helpful to me at times.
I have been depressed since my late teens. But when I approached my 40s I found happiness for the first time in my life. I had a job I loved dearly that gave me a chance to make a difference in the world, a good network of friends and family, animals which sort of served as my "children" and personal family, sufficient income, chances to contribute and volunteer to help people....so just because you have suffered for a long time doesn't mean it will last forever...unfortunately, I suffered a series of traumatic events and lost everything...but I at least know it can be possible to have some sort of contentment even late in life. I believe that for you too. You may have children one day or adopt, or you may meet a divorced or widowed person with kids you can help parent. Don't give up hope if that's what you really want. And if you have a good job where you can provide and are reasonably stable, you can adopt as a single too sometimes. Or be a foster parent.
I feel bad for you because I know what it is to feel stuck and see your dreams slipping away and have no hope. But I believe there is hope for you. As a therapist told me, its like the movie castaway, you never know what will wash up on shore. Good things can still happen for you in the future, good things can happen still later in life. Meanwhile, I hope you can find some things to make your present a little brighter.
Wishing you light and peace in your day. Big big hugs.
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 6:06 pm
It seems that Shattered Dreams gave some pretty sound advice. I was going to mention finding social groups that you might fit in and up your chances of meeting new people. Lonely is no place to be. It sounds like you do your job well and should get more recognition for it, but sometimes big businesses forget to acknowledge everyone, still dont let that take away from your worth.
I think finding the right social outlet is the key to a lot of our loneliness and unhappiness. I google and try to find people like myself who are going through and try to find new interesting places to go.Dont give up on your job or anything you feel you are able to have just find new ways in which to get there. Take care and look up the sun is shinning
I know how you feel
Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 1:48 pm
I just joined today. I'm so lost too. I have the opposite problem. I stayed home to raise my two kids. It took me 5 years to get pregnant. I stopped working during that time. My son is now 18 and my daughter is 15. I now feel like I'm no longer needed and that I've wasted my life being a stay at home mom. Now at age 52 I have to find a job. My husband had a stroke on Christmas morning. His boss is abusing him severely. We think he's trying to make him quit. I've lost all my skills and now will have to find a job. We have no savings, no credit. We have nothing. It kills me that we can't send my son to college. We have a 1988 car that is at the mechanic every week. My husband's boss cut his pay in half so we can barely manage. I don't even have a reason to get up in the morning. So, as much as you hate your job, at least you have one. I feel like i've just wasted my entire life.
I am so lonely and bored all day long. I can't get a job till September since I have to drive my daughter to school every day. We are trying to get her on the school bus next year so I can work full time. If I can even find a job at my age and with no skills anymore.
Please be happy to have a job and be around people, it is far worse to stay home every day and have nothing to do. I hope you find happiness.
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:50 am
thanks everyone for all the encouraging words. i appreciate them and i am trying to appreciate what i have. i know from the outside my life looks fine. but inside i have never felt so conflicted and lost and sad.
at the beginning of the year i felt like life was not worth living. but i still am, so i know that something inside me wants to be in this world.
sometimes i think i need to do something dramatic but i don't know what that is. i am just seeking some relief from the constant anger and frustration at myself. there's not a day that goes by where i don't have knots in my stomach. there is not a week that goes by where i am not sobbing either before work, at work or after work. i know i should not pin my happiness on one person. i know happiness is supposed to come from within.
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 5:56 am
I know what you mean about doing something dramatic. I've been feeling the same way. Like joining the peace corps or habitat for humanity. Just to get away and doing something wothwhile with my life. Unfortunately I can't because I have kids. I used to do volunteer work. I always felt good when I was helping someone. I think I am going to start volunteering again. Have you ever done that? It does help. You do get out and meet other people and you get a good feeling helping others. I used to deliver meals on wheels. Start out with something small. You will be amazed how much it does help. Let me know how you are doing.
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 11:13 am
I am worried that you are sobbing at work and not getting the recognition for your efforts...could it be that the depression is affecting your performance somewhat? I don't mean to scare you, I just had a thought about a drastic action you could take before quitting or losing your job that might help. Check with your human resources director or personnel person about short term leave/disability insurance/sick benefits. See if you could take a month off. Maybe check yourself into a good mental health hospital or arrange for out treatment where you can get some intensive therapy to maybe turn the tide in the right direction. Then you can go to therapy on an ongoing basis afterwards. Its a drastic move, but I did this once and was able to get back to work and then changed jobs. I don't know if you want to pursue this route but I do worry for you that if you are this depressed, your performance may ultimately be affected. As I said I don't mean to scare you, I just wanted to let you know this may be an option, speaking as someone who has been there.
Also you haven't spoken much about your relationship, but it sounds like that may be one of the sources of the problem. Being in the hospital for a week or two may help you take a safe break and analyze what you want, along with the ability to talk to an objective person about it for guidance (a therapist).
Big big hugs.
Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2011 7:50 pm
ooh, you're right. i don't like the idea of checking in somewhere. means it is worse than it really is. but i do agree, i think i need a break from work. i also think you are right that my depression is affecting my work. being up all night with anxiety does not help the situation.
i was actually talking to someone last year, early this year. but we got into an odd fight and have not reconciled. go figure. thought it was a bit unprofessional of my counselor to leave me out in the cold when she knew what i was going through...
Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2011 12:48 am
I was dumped by my therapist too, and its harsh when you realize that its just a job to some of them and some don't really care about you as a human being. Unfortunately, I've had some very very bad experiences with the mental health profession. So I totally understand your hesitancy to go in the hospital. I just would hate to see the situation get worse and you lose your job because depression hurts your performance or end up in a hospital where you don't have some reasonable control of your treatment. I would strongly urge you to be careful in taking time off from work in what you say. Tell them you are just "exhausted" maybe....any hint of mental disorder could spell trouble for you at work given the way some employers are. I don't want to scare you (again), just want you to be able to keep your career you've worked so hard for and avoid the extensive stigma associated with any mental illness. I'm glad you are going to take a break. I hope you can find something to help turn the tide in a positive direction.