Depression Understood Forums

Well I hope this is the right section of the forum to post into. I don't really know where else to go to talk about this so ill post the story of the last 4 years of my life. Its gonna be long I'm sure I just believe maybe if I write this out it well help me.

College
I went to college and even graduated from it. I spent four years of my life going to class and working alot to pay for my way through college to keep a promise to an important person in my life (who is now dead). I worked very very hard and held a very high GPA and also held several positions in the school and the Greek system while I worked and went to college. Trust me when I say I literally slept next to never during these four years. During the last 6-12 months of college I stopped going out all together, because I was going to join the Army and wanted to dedicate myself to it since Ive wanted to be in the military since as far back as I can remember. So during this time I trained ALOT to get into the top physical shape I could and stopped drinking/partying and eating unhealthy foods. My friends that Ive known for several years at this point however continued too and this started to form a gap between us because they would stay out all night partying and sleep in and go to class. After a while I noticed this gap and tried several times to hang out with my friends but I found most of their time involved drinking or partying. So naturally over a little bit of time all the friends I made in college and me just separated and we dont talk anymore. I was fine with this at first because I believed I was going into the Army and would find a new set of friends that would be better for me and allow me to grow up.

The Army
I was on my course to join the army as an enlisted man and d*** proud of it. I worked every day towards it for months on end and dedicated hours of time to the local recruiters office to help them out how I could with my situation or just help around the office. Well I went to MEPs and passed with flying colors. That was until my FBI background check came back and a arrest was brought forward. I was arrested a year a half ago for drunk in public. The situation came around because I was dating a girl who happened to be dating another guy at the same time and we both had no idea. He came to her house one day while I was there and found us to the say the least he tried to fight me, so i walked away. The neighbors called the cops because of all the yelling of the other guy and they picked me up as I was walking away. The responding police officers were actually going to let me go since I only blew a .09 and was walking away from the problem not making it worse. The watch commander however had a different idea and I got arrested for public intoxication and put in jail over night. No charges were filed. This whole situation I told in detail to my recruiter who told me because no charges were filed I did not have to put it on the application at MEPs so I didn't. I even asked a couple guys at MEPs and they told me the same thing. Well I submitted all my paper work on the situation after it was found and was told that everything is fine and id still be able to join. Someone at the last minute decided this wasn't the case, so the day I was suppose to leave for boot camp the recruiter came over and I was waiting outside packed. He told me their discharging me for morale turpitude. I was told I can re apply in 6 months, but after talking to several people who have been recruiting or are involved with the government in some form or another of recruiting they all told me the same thing "look for another career". They were brutally honest saying my chances of getting in were slim to none now. I was shocked to say the least and this just lead into several more problems later down the road.

Criminal Justice
I was planning on using the Army as a stepping stone to get into agencies like the FBI, DEA, DIA, things along that nature by getting military experience with a college degree. However, now that I have been discharged because of morale turpitude reasons by the Army all these agencies have chosen to stop talking to me and have informed me that I can reapply in 4 years. The recruiters for the agencies said that even than it would be a slim chance of getting in. So I applied for local policing/sheriff jobs I was told the same thing except a shorter time span of 3 years. Well my college degree is in criminal justice, I spent four years of my life working very hard to earn it and I am now told that it is more or less useless. If you count the waiting period for background checks and the waiting period before I can re apply Ill be waiting like 4-6 years to even start to be considered for a job. On top of that I know if I seek counseling for depression or something like that it well ruin even the now small chance I have to join.

The Current Situation
Well my finances ran out. I planned it so I wold make it fine until I went to boot camp to earn more money. So i stopped working when I didn't need to anymore so that I could train more for boot camp. But now since I cant go to boot camp I had to move in with my parents. I tried for about 2 months to find a job in their area and had no luck. You can imagine after working hard my whole to get stuck with living with my parents jobless, careless (I donated my car to a charity thinking I was going into boot camp), and career less I started to become depressed. I am having trouble meeting anyone new too since I don't have a car, work at nights alone mostly. I know no one in the area and my brother is usually gone working or with his girlfriend. On top of that I don't have any money to join a local gym, and have pretty much stopped working out because I just don't want to anymore or even have the energy too. I'm breaking even every month money wise from paying back student loans. Ive put on 50 or more pounds in the last couple months and have found it really hard to even get out of bed even though I don't sleep. For the last couple months Ive been only sleeping about 1-2 hours a night and for the most part feel completely worthless. I tried moving in with my both of my brothers because jobs are more promising where they live, so far I have only found a job at Walmart as a night time warehouse guy (I resupply the shelves). I am forced to walk to work everyday since I have no car but Im still putting on weight even though I don't eat. I have literally gone 3-5 days without eating because I am not hungry anymore. An no I don't gorge myself when I eat either I eat very small. I know depression runs heavily on both sides of my family, and several family members have even tried to **** themselves. I am not suicidal, but extremely lonely, feeling worthless, find it almost impossible to get out of bed everyday, never eat or sleep. My family has told me to stop being a sob story and that I need to grow up and get over it so I stopped talking to them. And now I don't know what to do, I cant go back to school no one well co-sign any loans and no bank well loan me money. I had 4 years financial ad and graduated so I don't qualify for state or federal help anymore. My degree is now pretty much useless and the military all branches have told me to basically go away, no recruiters well even talk to me. I have locked myself in my room except when I am at work and pretty much never leave. Since my family members and their spouses etc. make pretty rude comments to me so I just stay away from them.

Hi Dustyman, you have a lot going on. I'm sorry that you don't have the support that you need with your family. What you are facing would be hard for anyone to be in similar circumstances. It's hard to let go of dreams or wait for them to take place. I don't know much about it to be honest but I am here to listen. There is no way you can go in front of someone and explain why you left it out, get sworn statements or anything like that?

People here will listen to you. Noone is going to pass you off as a sob story. You have a right to feel the way you do, but you also have a right to feel better and to seek support. In here, in the chatroom. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now.

You should try to eat more regular, even if not that much more often at least. I know its hard to when you are depressed but I also know that it feeds your depression if you don't. So does the lack of sleep. Keeping that up may make you feel better about yourself, or at least keeping that part of the routine comes close to normal for you. I don't know if you live in a big city or not but maybe see about an auto auction for cheap cars if you can save up.

Also it doesn't hurt to talk to financial aid and get their opinion on if you can get another grant or more assistance due to what happened. Its worth a try. Also even though you may not be in the field you want sometimes just having any degree even if its in a different field allows you to be hired in a higher pay bracket.

Wishing you the best,
Holly

I gave my sworn statements and explained the whole situation to the mighty waiver granter he denied it. The way its been explained to me by recruiters is this; From what I understand the military and criminal justice is downsizing by a lot and it has had a huge increase in applications by about 800%+ this is also increasing ever year so they can be as picky as they want they just don't need the same amount of people anymore. Why would they spend their time getting someone the job who has any record at all when they can get someone without one. Its time the recruiter/hirer has to spend getting waivers for you when they wouldn't have to with someone else. I also wish I could borrow money but my family has a pretty much no lend policy cause it has made problems in the past. (not with me other family members). I have asked so that I could get a cheap car but no one is willing too. I am unfortunately breaking even every month (or have cents left). So saving up money is also a problem.

Also I do live in a pretty big city. Not massive but I think the population is 150K+.

Well I went to work today to get called into the big mans office to be told that I'm being laid off. He told me its nothing personal and that I'm a good worker and to please use him for a reference to get another job. That I'm just the newest employee and their downsizing a little bit. I don't understand why he made me walk all the way to work to tell me, he knows I walk. So i laid in bed for quite a while.

On the brighter side of things my brothers kitten had a different idea and clawed me which got me out of bed and into the bathroom and I looked into the mirror and saw myself. I was pretty embarrassed about how I looked so I spent a few hours cleaning up, shaving my face and head and showering and everything you can think of. Most of my life I have been really clean cut and well maintained and it feels good that I am looking like how I use too. Especially since I havnt shaved or pretty much anything for a couple weeks. I only showered and washed my work clothes to get by. Ive decided to go for a walk into the woods by my brothers house and see if nature can get my mind off everything.

Oh ((((((((((Dustyman))))))))))) my heart goes out to you. I know well what it is to work hard for a dream and have your dream smashed to pieces and to feel lost and hopeless and life seem to spiral from there. How awful that you got laid off on top of everything, but hopefully this will be a chance for you to find something closer to where you want to be like private security or something. I dunno, but my heart aches for you.

I have a suggestion, please forgive me if this is inappropriate, but I read your post yesterday and have been thinking about this all night.

As you well know from your education, in the USA murder is the leading cause of death for young african-american males. 1 in 3 african-american males is under some form of criminal justice control. The new face of the civil rights movement is often to stop the killing and the violence. Black churches are involved in rehabilitation of ex-offenders. Groups are working on poverty in its correlation to crime. Some are working with schools to keep kids in school and on the right track and steering kids in tough neighborhoods away from drug trafficking and gangs and pushing them toward higher education. The SCLC, founded by MLK, is now often focused on stopping the killing. I have worked with my local SCLC, and it wasn't just Christians involved, Jews, Muslims, secular folks....why not consider getting involved from a community standpoint as a volunteeer in using your criminal justice background to fight crime? First it would be an excellent excellent networking opportunity to find work more related to your education. Second, it would look great on a resume eventually and show you have 'rehabilitated' yourself so maybe in a few years you can get on with the sherriff's office or something.

Nonprofit groups are fighting child abuse, domestic violence, etc. Neighborhood watch groups need help and help spreading to other neighborhoods. There are ways to tackle crime from within the community.

Also, there are national and international issues, like genocide or human trafficking. There are more slaves right now than any point in human history. In the USA for instance, very few states treat child sex trafficking victims as victims, rather they are routed through the criminal justice system as prostitutes. Often its lack of funds, often its the laws that don't crack down on the johns or pimps, but on girls as young as 13 who are forced to sell themselves and are beaten and abused if they don't. Getting involved on the legislative/political side of things whether it comes to drug laws or whatever subject matter interests you....there's loads of work to be done. And individuals and small groups have made a BIG difference. For instance, just two people in California worked to get the state divested in the Sudan so state funds weren't supporting genocide in Darfur. Groups lobbied and worked to get Al Bashir indicted before the ICC for crimes against humanity. This sort of work isn't something with quick payoff, but with dedication can make a huge difference and can be life changing for you and those you help.

I know for me, when I was volunteering, it did give me a sense of meaning and purpose that helped a good bit in going on despite depression. Whatever job you find next, maybe just devoting two hours a week to a passion of yours might make life seem more meaningful and point you closer to the direction you had wanted to go. I really really hope things work out for you.

Big big hugs dustyman. I feel so bad for you and wish I could help, but know we are here to listen and the chatroom can keep you company too anytime you want to talk with people and socialize. Very proud of you that you got cleaned up and went for a walk despite the very very hard day you had. That resiliance I believe will pay off in the long run.

Wishing you light and peace in your day.