Could this be a form of depression?
Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 11:40 pm
I am new here... I have been reading a lot of other people's posts and want to express my sympathy for the horrible things some have gone through.
I don't have any traumatic incidents or serious problems in my life, in fact I laugh a lot, can find humor in anything, and appear to have a great life. Married over 10 years, good job, etc.
Problem is, when it comes to things involving the heart, I am pretty much numb to it all. I haven't always been this way, it gradually happened in my early 20's, I think (I am in my late 30's now) and just became part of me and wasn't something I gave much thought to.
In the last year or so I've been having weird thoughts that are kind of troubling me. A really recent example was the other night when I was in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing so I tried to envision myself on a beach listening to the waves, and one of my co-workers came into the picture and was laying on the beach with me and we were talking (no actual dialogue, just the sense of a deep conversation, like I used to have with my friends when I was younger) and it felt so amazing that I had to make it stop. It wasn't a romantic or sexual feeling but just like a feeling for a really close friend where both can open up completely... In real life I do sort of sense a connection to him but never gave it any thought or let myself feel anything.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, I think it is my mind trying to test the water and let myself feel something for someone I don't know that well so I can't be hurt that badly??
It is so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know that "numb" feeling, it's just so awkward to feel "warm and fuzzy" that it's uncomfortable, all these years it never bothered me, I just appreciated the drama-free mind but I don't know anymore. It certainly never occurred to me that it could be a form of depression but I can't help but wonder after all this time why is it bothering me NOW?
I don't have any traumatic incidents or serious problems in my life, in fact I laugh a lot, can find humor in anything, and appear to have a great life. Married over 10 years, good job, etc.
Problem is, when it comes to things involving the heart, I am pretty much numb to it all. I haven't always been this way, it gradually happened in my early 20's, I think (I am in my late 30's now) and just became part of me and wasn't something I gave much thought to.
In the last year or so I've been having weird thoughts that are kind of troubling me. A really recent example was the other night when I was in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing so I tried to envision myself on a beach listening to the waves, and one of my co-workers came into the picture and was laying on the beach with me and we were talking (no actual dialogue, just the sense of a deep conversation, like I used to have with my friends when I was younger) and it felt so amazing that I had to make it stop. It wasn't a romantic or sexual feeling but just like a feeling for a really close friend where both can open up completely... In real life I do sort of sense a connection to him but never gave it any thought or let myself feel anything.
This isn't the first time something like this has happened, I think it is my mind trying to test the water and let myself feel something for someone I don't know that well so I can't be hurt that badly??
It is so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know that "numb" feeling, it's just so awkward to feel "warm and fuzzy" that it's uncomfortable, all these years it never bothered me, I just appreciated the drama-free mind but I don't know anymore. It certainly never occurred to me that it could be a form of depression but I can't help but wonder after all this time why is it bothering me NOW?