My Shame (triggering Material)

[hollyann]

This is only a small piece of my story. So much more to tell if I find the courage, I'll post more in different posts adding more to the story. Even though I have a lot of missing pieces, gaps in my memory, there is too much that I do remember. Thank you to all the others that have given me the courage to share, and those of you that have shared.

On Christmas day this year, it was so hard. Last year marked my first and last with Bruce. So this year I was dealing with not having him around. It hurt more than the words I have to explain.

I was baby sitting for friends, and I did something stupid. See my friends, is actually an exboyfriend and his wife. I grew up around his sister, but had never known him, until we were working and got involved together. But anyways his sister friends of the family on my dad's side. Have some fond memories of her. Actually my aunt was their aunt until their uncle and my aunt passed away. Didnt know that at first either.

Anyways the sister, the one that was so involved with my dad's side of the family, called to wish her brother and his family a Merry Christmas. My mom had answered the phone, but I asked to say hi, not thinking. She then goes to ask me if I hear from my family. I'm thinking that she means my dad's side of the family. I told her no, some of them added me on facebook, but don't really talk to me. She says "I didn't figure they did, I was talking about your brother." And then she asks me if I was married, and the answer is no. But it just made me miss Bruce and the dreams we had more.

But back to her "I didnt figure they had" That was extremely hurtful. See when I was 12 my mom kicked me out. She says I moved out, but I had the choice of my dad's or a girls home. Id say that means kicking me out. She even helped me pack. Age 13 came still living at my dads. I lost my grandma, the only one I felt cared about me. Theres more to this because I lost my uncle the next day and it was my responsibility to break the news to the rest of the family when they came back from the funeral home making arrangements. That was hard. But thanks to my step mom I learned to drink the pain away and thats what I did for the years to come.

How every my step mom had a habbit of leaving, and coming back, each time taking off with my half sister. She told me before she left that time that my grandmother never really loved me. And like a fool I believed her. So I went from grandmas little angel to a hellion over night, if what grandma said was a lie, I wanted no part of her teaching.

Anyways, a couple of months later my dad started sexually abusing me. But where do I turn? My mom had already kicked me out. I didnt trust the system not to put me in a place that was worse off. And I was scared of what he might do if I told. So I kept it in, let it continue. Around 14 at this time. It went on for almost two years before I told, and during the same time period I was being sexually abused by two cousins.

Anyways in 98 I met a friend on the internet. And he started talking to me because I was so quiet in an aol chatroom. He was worried I might be depressed, I didn't know what that meant. Even though to this point I had already attempted suicide on at least one occaision. Anyways started talking to him. And he was older than me, so he wanted my mom's permission to talk to me. I mean an man in his 40s talking to a 14 year old. I told my mom, and her response was she trusted my judgment and I could talk to him.

And that I did, I didnt have the courage to tell him about the abuse. But he knew that sometimes when I came to visit my mom I was alone for a couple weeks at a time except when she needed cigs or a change of clothes. And he knew I drank when I could. I ran the streets. I played chicken with cars, I got into fist fights because I was told if I didnt fight I'd get it worse when I got home. (By my dad).

Summer of 98 was supposed to make a trip to see my half sister. Honestly I didnt want to go, there was a reason for this. It hurt to constantly have her, and then have her yanked away again. If it hurt me that much, how much did it hurt her? She was 8 years younger than me. But I got told I was a cold hearted B. and that I was going like it or not. But we stopped by my aunts and uncles on the way back. And I spent a couple of months with them in TN.

I was talking to this person online still. And started calling him dad. I pretty much ignored my aunt and uncle a lot so I could talk to this person. And I even mentioned divorcing my parents, but he didnt think it was possible. So I stayed with my aunt and uncle. My dad and cousin and brother came to get me, and I decided I wasn't ready to go, it was one of the cousins that had been abusing me and he find out how even then.

So anyways. We went on a trip up to Look out Mountain, I hurt my bad knee and ankle trying to keep up with my brother and cousin to one waterfall the second waterfall, I decided not to go to, and actually talked to my biological dad. He promised if I came back my step mom wouldn't hit me anymore. I should have known better he always said promises were made to be broken. I decided not to go back. The pain from my knee and ankle was excruciating, swollen but I wouldn't ask my aunt and uncle to take me to the hospital. In fact I barely put ice or anything on it. My online dad was concerned because he thought I was going to damage it so where I couldn't walk at all. Often Id push myself til I collapsed or fail on them.

Anyways online dad said he had a family reunion and that if I went back home Id get to meet him and his wife. So my dad didnt come back and get me like he said. So I begged my aunt and mom and got a bus ticket back. I wanted to get off in the stop in Nashville so bad and just get lost. At this time I was 15. Taking a bus by myself. My mom gave me an awkward hug when I got there. About a week later him and his wife showed up. Met me, and my mom, talked for a couple hours, they were supposed to leave the next day, instead their truck broke down, so had an extra day. They asked me if my mom would let me go to the store with them. She said yes. She let me go with two strangers except letters and phone calls and the net, because she trusted my judgment. And she gave me more hugs around them, than she had gave me the whole time I had been back.

They went home, and anyways the place where I was staying with my dad caught on fire. And had to go shifting through the ashes trying to find things that weren't burnt. It was rumored that I started the fire for a while, until they realized I wasn't even in the state. The fire trucks put it out the first time, only for it to be started again. Turns out it was another cousin because she didnt like my dad.

Anyways, later that year talking to my online dad on the phone from cousins house. I am now staying with them even though they sexually abuse me, lesser than two evils, because the place I moved to with my dad after the fire was a druggies house (more relatives) and I'd get woken up in the middle of the night to go with them on a drug run or for money. and was getting sexually abused by my dad, so I decided might as well go to my cousins. Because at least didnt have to worry about the drugs. So thats where I stayed.

Until that phone call with my online dad. My brother and cousins were there, and calling him a pervert in the background. I selfinjured for the first time on the phone with him. And also by this point was popping pills on a regular basis because of my pain. He convinced me to move back in with my mom. I did but she was still gone most of the time. And it was still mandatory that I go to my dad's every other weekend, which most weekends were spent in fights or running the streets etc. I was talking to my online dad at one of these times and telling him about a boyfriend I had, he thought 16 was too young to date. And I had told him that wasn't the first time I dated.

He asked me if I was still a virgin. And I said let's put it this way. I've never willingly had sex. I made a habit not to lie to him, and that was what I knew how. I had been honestly talking to a cop anon online trying to find a way to get me and my sister away safely. And I was so messed up I wanted to die. That someone in a chat room, had the name hitman, and I asked how much he charged, and he told me, and asked who I wanted, and I said me, he called me crazy and blocked me. Anyways I opened this whole can of worms by saying not willingly. When I went back to my moms that day. He called and said that I had to tell him or he'd tell my mom.

So I finally told him my dad, I didnt mention my cousins, who would believe me that three people had sexually abused me? Besides there were so many rumors of my dad doing things to others and nothing ever being done about it. He believed me though and wanted to tell my mom right away, but I wouldn't let him. I threatened to run away I already had a suitcase packed because I never unpacked when I came home from TN. I had gave up drinking for him, but my mom wanted me to mix drinks one night and wanted me to try it, I had said no I stopped, but she guilted me, you'll drink with your dad but not me. I went on a two day drinking binge, and tried to take my life for breaking my word.

Anyways he eventually had to tell my mom because he could have got in trouble for not telling her. Her response was I kinda figured it was happening but couldn't do anything til you said something. So she called the cops. It was a nightmare. We wasnt going to tell my brother try to spare him, but he came home, and cops came back with more questions he thought it was over him filing charges against a boss but it wasn't. And he was so upset to find out we hadn't told him. He yelled at me, said all I do is ruin lives and upset them. First I move out, then I move back in, and then this. ANd to my horror my mom called my aunt on her side and told her all about what my dad had done, and it spread through that side of the family too. So much shame.

By this time its year 99 when my dad is arrested. My family on his side tried to get me to say I lied, or that he didnt deserve that much jail time, or I should have told them (they would have just did nothing but maybe give me a place) They didnt understand why I didnt say anything, but in a sick family that says incest is the best, its hard to speak up. So he went to jail. Was sentenced on a few accounts 10 years each ran concurrent, which meant 10 years total out in 7 good behavior.

But his family, they stood by him. Not me. I was the outcast the one that did wrong. Some said I did it for the money. Some said my mom put me up to it. Some said that even if he did it he didn't deserve that much jail time including one of the ones he had been rumored to abuse. I almost gave in, and as it was I was so sucidal over all this that I didnt admit about my cousins, so as it was when they asked if anyone else had messed with me, I said no it was a form of perjury, but I was just trying to save my life. ANd I dont even know why. I used to wish it would have been a stranger, cause then I would have probably been killed afterwards and I wouldn't have had to live with it.

A cousin that I had watched for about 4 years was told by an aunt and uncle to push me out the door. That probably hurt the most. I was scared of getting attached to anyone. My whole family turned on me. I was never as close to my moms side of the family. I was pregnant by my sons father at the time my dad was sentenced. I thought it was real going to last. Was engaged to be married, until he started beating me while I was pregnant. I broke the engagement and when I broke it my mom said I had to be out by the wedding date anyways. So I went to Texas where my online dad and his wife was. My sons father went but left 6 days later after. My online dad helped me have the courage to make him leave he meaning my sons dad, used to self injury in front of me, hide under cars and spy on me, as well as beat me when he found out i was pregnant, so opposite from the person that held me during the court days.

When my mom found out about my cousins she didnt have them arrested her excuse was she didnt want me to go through any more pain. But I always felt it was because my dad did horrible things to her, and that she wanted him to pay more than it was about me.

So I ended up with out a family basically except my online dad and his wife, (which later I will blow but thats another story). But this is why my friends sister said that she didn't think I would hear from them. Because I'm the outcast, because I spoke up. Ive never seen my sister since I put my dad in jail. And she doesn't talk to me. so much for protecting her. I'm not even sure how she feels about me except when she turned 18 she talked to me 3 mins on the phone and said how she could talk to dad now that she was of age. ANd why hadn't our brother called her. He lost 7 years in jail. I've lost my family, my way of life, my innocence, and have so much shame and flashbacks. I pay so much more dearly than he ever did.

But thats why she didn't figure my so called family would talk to me. And thats why it hurts so much to be reminded. This is my shame.

[Obayan]

Holly, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. This is his disease and it sounds like it runs in his side of the family. This is not your fault. Not even his jail time is your fault. He did this himself. He made the choices. He performed the actions. He did it himself. I am so proud of you for having the courage to stand up and speak out against what was happening. I watched as my sister spoke out about our dad. Mom called her a liar and beat her so bad she was laid up in bed for over a month because she couldn't stand on her feet. A couple weeks after that, she was sent away and I never saw her again. I was 5 and she was 13. I never had the courage to stand up or speak out after that. I'm so glad you did! It gives me strength to see you and talk to you and be around you hon. You give me hope. I love you so much sweetie! You are like a sister to me that i missed out on having. Don't you ever for even a second think that what he did was your fault. It wasn't. He was a sick man taking advantage of a child because he knew he couldn't get away with it with anyone else.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Holly ))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for finding the courage in so much, for sharing with us is one of them. Took a lot to put into words as you did.

Here for you, always.

Warmie

[hollyann]

(((((Warmie)))))))))) Don't know what I'd do without you girl. I guess I kept silent so long it just kind of spilled out. And the sad part is, this is just a glimpse of what I've gone through. The icing so to speak. I dont know if I'll ever be brave enough to share the rest. If I do, it will probably be in bits and pieces like me.

((((((((((Obayan)))))))) I didnt have the courage to stand up, I let it go on for two years before i told, and only then it was an accident. So many people have hurt me and I've just done nothing. My two cousins walked they dont even have a record. My little sis, who I hoped to protect wants to around my dad more than me. I knew the consequences of going against the family. And did it anyways. I was so stupid, and ended up being so alone. My dad was the baby of 15 kids. And each of those kids except 1 had 2 to 5 kids, and those kids were already having kids by the time I put him in jail.... I was left with noone, just my son really. How fair is it to him, that he doesn't have a family around, no cousins to play with? To only have me. And I dont count for much. It is my shame because i relive it and stay so broken. It seems like I'm the guilty one, for only speaking up, he's more accepted than I am. So what good did it accomplish other than rip my entire family apart? To make it where I'm always the last to know if someone dies, or gets hurt. My cousin was murdered a year ago, I spent more time looking in papers about it because I couldn't talk to my family. They accept my mom more than me and shes not even blood. Its just so messed up.
My mom went through abuse at my dad hands, two of my cousins went through abuse at his hands, almost a third, all before he was ever able to do anything to me and not a one of them spoke up.
I'm sorry about your sister. And that must have been hard to watch. I understand why you didnt stand up and speak out. Its sad when the culture we live in just sometimes victimizes the victim even more. When my abuse started happening it was right around the whole jon bennet ramsey thing, which is also part of why i kept silent so many rumors and speculations about what happened to her a part of me was afraid of it happening to me, but then I eventually just became so shattered that it was what i wished for.

used to wonder how i could be right when there was 3 of them 1 of me. I still dont have any answers. I refused counseling when it was offered. I didnt go to counseling til about 4 years later. And I got through a lot of it. I wont say I survived it because sometimes especially this time of year it feels like the past will do me in. But I even got to a point where I was going to actually contact my dad see if anything was left at all while he was on parole they wouldn't allow it for fear he would revictimize me, when I was trying to take back control. Sad thing is at the time I was involved in another abusive relationship in 06-08. Not only was the person physically abusive. He was mentally abusive and sick. I dont see how anyone can love someone and ask them if their smart mouth was why an ex beat them, or tell them go sleep with their dad, just cause they were mad...

and finally learn to love and trust again, and take another chance which Bruce was so big on after all that, and I lose him. Sometimes life just feels like one big joke and at my expense. I'm just worn and tired.

Holly

[Obayan]

Holly, I know how it can wear you down. Especially when you think you don't have anyone left. But you aren't alone hon. I know it's not the same, but you have us. We love you.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((( Holly )))))))))))))))))))

My heart cries for all you have gone through and your lose of (((((((( Bruce )))))))). You are an amazing woman, wish you could see that.

One thing I do see is that YOU are stopping the abuse, not allowing it to filter into your child's life. Hang on to that, that is a key for you to perhaps someday see it was never your fault and you are protecting the life of your child.

Always here for you..

Warmie

[be11a]

Holly - Your story really touched my heart. So many losses and so much pain. But truthfully, none of it was your fault. Your Dad, Mom and cousins all made their own choices - and any consequences should be theirs. Because you had the courage to stand up and tell the truth your son will not be exposed to that same abuse - and that is a blessing for him.

And you do have us as your family. We care about you and would do anything we can to help. Please know that you are loved - and that we love you for who you are, just that way you are.

Bella

[crystalgaze]

Holly, thank you for having the courage to share. Continue forward like you have been doing!

((((((((((((((( Holly )))))))))))))))))

About family.... I don't have much contact with mine either. Actually, I don't know them. I believe, though, from the few that I've met briefly, I would have experienced some of what you went through in your life. Some were involved in drugs; in fact, one just went to jail the other day for it.

I've had some of my family members, knowingly & unknowingly 'hit on me'. It was pretty creepy. Had I been around them, they probably would have molested me....

I applaud you for doing your best to LIVE. I really applaud you.

[pickle]

i was so glad to see and read what you wrote. i would never know where to begin with mine it is so fragmented. You really are an amazing person and wonderful mom and a good friend. i feel so, so lucky to know you.

[hollyann]

((((((Obayan))))))) I know I have a family here, I'd be blind not to see it. But it's so hard to grow up around on for so any year and just to have them all go away. For a while I thought I could dependon them even though I knew they were messed up. It was a sick sense of pride I guess. I think getting out in a way saved me. Not from myself but it allowe me to see how twisted things were even as bad as they hurt.

((((((Warmie)))))))) I think it is filtering in through him, Im not abusing him, but he asks about his dad, and asks about his family. I dont like lying to him. He knows he has cousins but doesn't know why we dont see him. He knows he has a grandpa that he doesnt see. But he doesn't know why. He knows he's got a father, somewhere married to another woman now, and one or two half siblings that will never be a part of his life, but I can't tell him why about that either.

(((((((((Bella))))))))))) I know you all would do anything for me. I just can't help but feel Brandon is missing out because of me. He doesnt know what its like to be surrounded by people. And since I pretty much stay inside all the time and panic when I cant see him, he doesnt get out to play like I did with a lot of my cousins. Hide and seek, freeze tag, tv tag. Yeah they brought it on them but if I wouldn't have told he would know all that stuff.

((((((((Crystalgaze)))))))))) Thanks for the kind words. I dont know sometime I still feel like Im stuck in limbo. am glad that you didnt have to go through that with yours. Im sorry from the sounds of your familiy and what you did experience even in your brief knowing of them.

((((((((Pickle)))))))) I'm sorry yours is so fragmented. I'm realizing more and more that mine is. I remember incidents, (mostly bad) but sometimes all I have is images and feelings those images brought on. The gaps are scary for me, because i went through a time (still have times) when I dont know who to trust. I feel lucky to know you.

I got so many memories flooding back this time of year, maybe I'll post some more, not sure if I'm that brave yet. I appreciate you all for listening and taking the time to care.

Holly

[hollyann]

I've been busy for a while now, with things with my son. Noone agrees on whats wrong with him. Been told everything from Bipolar, adhd, intermittent explosive disorder, atypical pervasive developmental disorder, and now they are saying, not any of those things, but oppositional defiant disorder (says he throws tantrums) maybe adhd still, a phonological disorder (course this is no surprise he's been in speech since he was small). And a developmental disorder nos not otherwise specified, current doc doesn't think he needs the meds, lowered them cause Brandon was too tired. etc. Brandon isn't defiant all the time, I met with the speech teacher yesterday, she says Brandon is reading where he should be, math is where it should be, and doesn't know how a doc after one session can decide he has a developmental delay. he does have behavior problems, but she said its not serious enough that the school is going to have someone intervene and come up with a plan how to deal with him yet. In the mean time, he's been angry with me. Hits, kicks, bites, etc. It's a very draining experience, (3 times this week). Doc thinks its tantrums, but its not all the time. Mom says he's spoiled but yet, if I say he can't have something because I can't afford it, he doesnt throw a fit or anything. So I' getting different opinions every where I go, and none of them are matching up. He goes for a psych eval at yet another place next month. I'm hoping that it will help.

In the mean time. I'm feeling like a failure. My brother and sister in law offering to take my son for the rest of the school year, to give him a chance so that he don't fail, but they dont want to keep him or anything. I'd like to know what more they could give him than I can. I guess everything. And its got me down.

I dont know how many times I'm just ready to give up lately. I'm not sure why I keep going anymore. I keep reflecting, remembering everything thats been wrong in my life, the scenes they play over and over and I get weaker and weaker. Family or so called keep adding me on facebook yet don't talk to me really. And its just such a laugh, and if I didnt laugh at it, I'd cry. Still the outsider. I think of my sister, well half sister who thinks I ruined her life, I think of the people who have hurt and abused me. And I just cant seem to find a turn off button. But I know it's breaking me, I'm breaking. No more happy face. Just stark reality. And it gets harder each day.

[crystalgaze]

Hi Holly! It's been a while.

What I wanted to say to you, though, is: You keep going on because you have your son. I think that's part of it.

I'm sorry to hear your son is ill! I'm just wondering.... When you tell him "NO" for something, do you explain why? (e.g. You'll get hurt. It isn't healthy/good.) What is happening?

You're not a failure. You have ENDURED. You're still alive!

Now there is something I'd like to ask you & it's a personal question I'd like you to ask yourself. I don't need an answer, but what I'd like you to think about is this:

If you could go back in your life & change whether you told the truth about what happened to you, would you (knowing what you know now)?

It is a mighty hard road, but your answer should be NO. Blank all those who are "inconvenienced" by the truth. Blank them all!

[hollyann]

Well today is my half sisters 20th birthday. Two years since I've spoken to her. 13 years since I've seen her. It makes me sad. When I was younger it always tore me apart. She was in and out of my life so much. Whenever her mom got a whim she'd move. I got used to her not being around. And at times I thought if I'm 8 years older and its hurting me this much what is it doing to her. Id think maybe it would be better just to stay out of her life. But yet I'd try to track her mom down, her down, just to find out how she was if she was okay. Let her know I loved her. And she's 20 now. and no contact for two years. I figure if she ever wants answers she will try to find me. I'm just tired and down.

Crystal, sorry I never answered you before. Yes I always try to explain things to my son. He's doing a little better. He passed to the fourth grade. (Without my brother and sister in law taking him.) He was expelled and had to go to an alternative school but at least he passed. I'm not pleased with his doctor but I don't really have the energy to go into that right now. Another med change for him. So another adjustment for us.

[crystalgaze]

((((((( Holly ))))))))))))))))))))

That's good your son passed! Yay for that!

Just say to yourself that you've done enough for now. You've done more than your fair share. It's a 2-way street. Ok?

If you're tired, C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E. It's okay to conserve. That's self-preservation. It will work itself out at some point! (the situation with your half sister)

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

hollyann
All these things you wrote here ,footprints of a life full of pain ,
and torment ,confusion and loss. All brought to the forefront of your mind ,and then transmitted through your hands and laid here in the calm
blue of the forum ,not some powerful drama ,but a real life story .
theres no shame here my freind ,but things we have all felt in differant ways through out or lives ,so very far away but so very simalar .
The more people that read this the better ,because there will be many that will have thought that the thing they harbour has only happened to them ,and they
may feel better with that knowledge that its not just them.
And then maybe you may feel better as you will have given them a little comfort . I hope you may feel a little better now ,as this thing is outside now and not trapped inside ,were it will have hurt for a long time ,
Ive read what your freinds have written here ,and you can go forward knowing you have so many good dear freinds with you ,look behind and see how far you have come . I felt shame for many years and ive only just managed to realise it was,nt all me .
You have a massive family right here.close your eyes and look with your mind and see them all around you . i wish i could have posted this on the forum but thats not possible i dont belong here ,but i had to comment Take care xn728