Here we go..
Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2010 6:36 am
I've spilled my heart & mind out before but never to such depth..
I've been raised by perhaps the best parents anyone could ask for. No abuse of any kind ever took place, our home was, and still is full of love. About, I'd say 11 years ago I came down with joint pains & headaches, which up until now were thought of as growing pains. A few months ago a new doctor heard me say to my mother how I wish I didn't have a magnetic personality. The doctor listened to me & my mother for a few moments before she interjected with the fact that, what she had just heard & nothing ever being found wrong with my joints, the problem may be mental. So, given the joint pains & the way I've been acting & talking depression may be the cause of it all.
Suddenly, I had like, a flashback of everything I've felt & said the last few years & it was the first diagnosis I agreed with.
The last few years have been tough on me mentally, constantly thinking & trying to figure out why I was this way. The way I feel about life is interesting because I see it as an obligation.. "I only breathe because I'm here, not because I want to" had become my personal motto.
I abandoned my friends about 5 years ago & I don't miss them at all. I'd really prefer it if I were alone in life. completely alone. No ties to anyone, in any way. I have no goals or aspirations in life, no hope, no dreams. Nothing interests me either, I can live happily asleep on a couch & feel complete. I think this is bad. I have no real habits, I prefer to think of things I do as time killers. Just waiting to run out of time.
Ugh.. I haven't even passed ninth grade.. Why should I prepare for a future I don't want? Um.. I don't date, I have no interest in sex, I've pretty much given up on everything.
I'm only alive still because I don't want to leave a bad impact on my family, same reason I don't want new friends. I absolutely dread the idea of having an impact on someone elses life good or bad I don't want to be remembered.. I want to slowly fade until I'm gone.
The worst part is, I don't want to fix anything. I'm perfectly content in my own little shell. I love the solitude, I'd rather die now than go on & have things get better.
I begin therapy on the 16th of this month, the only thing I'm looking to cure is my joint pain & if I end up having to change my life around & be 'happy' and have a better outlook on life for it to go away, I'd rather suffer through the pain forever.
"The promise of a future, is the promise of my end" another little quote of mine.
I guess I'm really f***** up..
I've been raised by perhaps the best parents anyone could ask for. No abuse of any kind ever took place, our home was, and still is full of love. About, I'd say 11 years ago I came down with joint pains & headaches, which up until now were thought of as growing pains. A few months ago a new doctor heard me say to my mother how I wish I didn't have a magnetic personality. The doctor listened to me & my mother for a few moments before she interjected with the fact that, what she had just heard & nothing ever being found wrong with my joints, the problem may be mental. So, given the joint pains & the way I've been acting & talking depression may be the cause of it all.
Suddenly, I had like, a flashback of everything I've felt & said the last few years & it was the first diagnosis I agreed with.
The last few years have been tough on me mentally, constantly thinking & trying to figure out why I was this way. The way I feel about life is interesting because I see it as an obligation.. "I only breathe because I'm here, not because I want to" had become my personal motto.
I abandoned my friends about 5 years ago & I don't miss them at all. I'd really prefer it if I were alone in life. completely alone. No ties to anyone, in any way. I have no goals or aspirations in life, no hope, no dreams. Nothing interests me either, I can live happily asleep on a couch & feel complete. I think this is bad. I have no real habits, I prefer to think of things I do as time killers. Just waiting to run out of time.
Ugh.. I haven't even passed ninth grade.. Why should I prepare for a future I don't want? Um.. I don't date, I have no interest in sex, I've pretty much given up on everything.
I'm only alive still because I don't want to leave a bad impact on my family, same reason I don't want new friends. I absolutely dread the idea of having an impact on someone elses life good or bad I don't want to be remembered.. I want to slowly fade until I'm gone.
The worst part is, I don't want to fix anything. I'm perfectly content in my own little shell. I love the solitude, I'd rather die now than go on & have things get better.
I begin therapy on the 16th of this month, the only thing I'm looking to cure is my joint pain & if I end up having to change my life around & be 'happy' and have a better outlook on life for it to go away, I'd rather suffer through the pain forever.
"The promise of a future, is the promise of my end" another little quote of mine.
I guess I'm really f***** up..