Here we go..

[belial216]

I've spilled my heart & mind out before but never to such depth..

I've been raised by perhaps the best parents anyone could ask for. No abuse of any kind ever took place, our home was, and still is full of love. About, I'd say 11 years ago I came down with joint pains & headaches, which up until now were thought of as growing pains. A few months ago a new doctor heard me say to my mother how I wish I didn't have a magnetic personality. The doctor listened to me & my mother for a few moments before she interjected with the fact that, what she had just heard & nothing ever being found wrong with my joints, the problem may be mental. So, given the joint pains & the way I've been acting & talking depression may be the cause of it all.

Suddenly, I had like, a flashback of everything I've felt & said the last few years & it was the first diagnosis I agreed with.

The last few years have been tough on me mentally, constantly thinking & trying to figure out why I was this way. The way I feel about life is interesting because I see it as an obligation.. "I only breathe because I'm here, not because I want to" had become my personal motto.

I abandoned my friends about 5 years ago & I don't miss them at all. I'd really prefer it if I were alone in life. completely alone. No ties to anyone, in any way. I have no goals or aspirations in life, no hope, no dreams. Nothing interests me either, I can live happily asleep on a couch & feel complete. I think this is bad. I have no real habits, I prefer to think of things I do as time killers. Just waiting to run out of time.

Ugh.. I haven't even passed ninth grade.. Why should I prepare for a future I don't want? Um.. I don't date, I have no interest in sex, I've pretty much given up on everything.

I'm only alive still because I don't want to leave a bad impact on my family, same reason I don't want new friends. I absolutely dread the idea of having an impact on someone elses life good or bad I don't want to be remembered.. I want to slowly fade until I'm gone.

The worst part is, I don't want to fix anything. I'm perfectly content in my own little shell. I love the solitude, I'd rather die now than go on & have things get better.

I begin therapy on the 16th of this month, the only thing I'm looking to cure is my joint pain & if I end up having to change my life around & be 'happy' and have a better outlook on life for it to go away, I'd rather suffer through the pain forever.

"The promise of a future, is the promise of my end" another little quote of mine.

I guess I'm really f***** up..

[crystalgaze]

I hope the therapy works!

Just a pondering: Have you ever found the reason you appear to be content with things the way they are now?

Then again, you don't really seem happy.... as much as you said you were....

If the promise of a future is the promise of your end, what I would like to ask you now is: What about your present?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( belial216 )))))))))))))

Hi and welcome to our site. Glad you found us and are sharing with us. It do help to get your feelings out and expressed in some manner.

Being alone and dealing with daily issues, is sometimes good, but not to isolate completely, but I tend to do that at times. Don't know if that is part of depression or not.

Good on seeing the doctor on the 16th. Let us know how that goes, if you don't mind.

There is a chat room connected to this site. Consider going in and chatting with others, it helps and they are supportive and understanding. Same as the forums.

Welcome again...

Warmsoul/Moderator

[belial216]

Thanks for the welcomes!

@ Crystalgaze I guess I'm content with it because I've been this way for so long, I've never really had the chance to know life without such thoughts & feelings. About my present.. I'd say I'm just.. here. Not really wanting to go anywhere or do anything, just existing in a way. I mean I've had all the revelations about how 'great' life would be if I cared & if I applied myself towards a goal or two, it still isn't enough to motivate me. Like, there's nothing I want out of life.

@ Warmsoul I guess I could report back on my therapy.