My Story (trigger)

[ashes]

Wow, where to begin? I joined this board because I am at the breaking point. I am beginning to feel suicidal though they are passing thoughts. I don't dwell on it as I did when I was a teen but Its so difficult to explain and I really have a hard time typing it all out. I was diagnosed Major Depression disorder at the age of 14. I am now a 24 year old female. My moods became erratic around that age. I was given Celxa and Risperdal to treat my disorder. I began to feel a little better so I weaned myself off the medications.

I had a boyfriend who was/is currently 5 years older than me. I kissed another boy and he made me feel as if I cheated and I was the worse person in the world. Today, I feel as if what I did was wrong, but to the mind of a teenager, I felt that my world just crashed around me. I attempted suicide by taking pills. There were at least 5 differnt brands and over 50 pills in my body. My mother made it to the hospital just in time for them to pump my stomach before I went into a coma.

Even after that I stayed with the boyfriend feeling that every problem we had was my fault. I felt very guilty, sad, and anxious with him. I hate to admit this but I feel as if my childhood was stolen by my mother and my teen years was stolen by him. I have never been able to be a true person and find myself. After time, my feelings hardened. I get so angry sometimes and will jump between anger and depression. They are both so overwhelming.

I am still with my boyfriend, now of 8 years. We have two children together. I had post partum depression with my first son 5 years ago but the whole time I was concerned for his well being over myself and never neglated his needs. I had my second son almost three months ago, and I am now beginnng to feel the depression. I don't know what to do or how to handle my life right now. I am neglecting myself, my home, and soon my children. I am really falling apart.

I can't get back on medication due to the fears I have from before. The doctors believe that taking celexa at that age contributed to the suicidal thoughts, then attempt. I don't want that to happen again. I don't want to die but I don't want this sadness. I blame my past. I blame myself and how I handled my past. I practically raised my siblings. My mom went to college and I took care of my brother and sister every evening after school til there bedtime and then on weekends. Around 16-17 My mom and I faught physically. I would shove her and spit at her then she shoved me down some stairs. It wasn't pretty.

It wasn't like that all the time but I so badly want to go back and change it all. I'm sorry I rambled and that I posted so much. I just really need a friend.

[crystalgaze]

Hello there! Please stop blaming yourself because you can't go back & change it. I'm telling you that because doing so will help you be in the here & now, where we all need to be.

You were a kid or a teenager. So what that you didn't handle things better? That's part of growing up, I guess.... You live & you learn. Alanis Morissette's "You Live You Learn comes to mind.

Sometimes you win & sometimes you don't.... If you are with the same boyfriend you had problems with, I would have said leave. However, there are children in the mix now.... I hope he doesn't do that to you anymore & if he still does, start telling him to stop.

Can you go to get help? It doesn't have to involve medicine, but may just something sort of like a counselor--where you can just talk?? & that person can give you some strategies??

Welcome! You can overcome it!

[ashes]

Thank you for replying. Yes I decided to seek help. I had an emotional breakdown today I just bawled for for an hour before passing out. I called and will be speaking with a therapist next week. i wish they could get me in earilier but its impossible.

No he doesn't treat me that way anymore. I seem to have turned the tables onhim and treat him as if he is my slave. I let my angry out on him and call him the worse things, putting him down, and sometimes throwing things at him.
The kids are the only thing that keeps me going.

[crystalgaze]

Hello again! Good, I'm glad you are moving on your way to a healthier you!

I, too, am pretty annoyed with wait times for medical services. Hang in there & take it easy, until then.

About your boyfriend, Here's something I'd like you to consider. It's just a thought, okay? Is it possible to call a truce?? (apologize & call a truce or whichever way you want to do it?) Maybe have a talk with him & tell him you just don't feel well? (Maybe he already knows??) Also, maybe instead of fighting, ask him to hold you or give you a hug...??

I don't know your entire situation, if something like that will work. Maybe it's too simple. (I was once told that how I think is too simple....) Basically the point is to move from destructive behavior to some more positive. You can do it!

Hugs for you! It takes a lot of courage to seek help. Pat yourself on the back!

((((((((((((((((((((( ashes ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Also, remember that a phoenix is said to have risen from the ashes..... (I heard of something like that from something I read a long time ago.)

Take care!