No turning back ,

Shared experiences of life, and the path that has led you to where you are.

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xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Postby xken728 » Fri Oct 15, 2010 4:02 pm

Hi Lisa ,try to enjoy your night out it does you good to force yourself to do things sometimes ,it my seem a bit daughnting at first but it does get easier .Fran had a hard time getting me to go to weatherspoons for a meal and a drink ,i wasnt happy at all about going ,but we go everymorning now for breakfast and a nice coffee .Even going to all differant peoples houses and delivering stuff in the van can be hard sometimes ,put im getting used to it ,I like the diy thing as you said ,im on home ground here and i know my stuff. Fran was a bit chesty this morning ,just the weather in general i think were going to have the heating up a bit tonight to see if that helps ,I have to thump her in the back sometimes to clear her lungs it must look terrible in public ,it hurts me to have to do it i have to hit her with the flat of my hand very hard .
Ok Jack is very cute he is 5 mnths old now .i take him for walks and im starting to enjoy them more each day .i dont start work till 2.30 tommorrow so after we have done a little shopping im going to take him a long walk ,Weve always wanted a small dog but have always backed out at the last minute ,i think Fran and the girls thought it would do me good to have him and the walks are definatly good for me ,we take him in the car sometimes so Fran can come but the walks are short so she doesnt get breathless,weve been to a lot of car boots lately and i have got some great cd,s and mp3 players ,i love gadjets espesialy if they play music
It was my birthday mid september ,52 now. they got me a 8 gig ipod nano with video camera it was a fantastic suprise and i really love it .On one of the car boots i got a pair of those proffesional walkie talkies for 2 quid ,they work up to about two miles so while im out with jack i can tell Fran were i am and she doent worry and she can call me if she needs me .
OK we went to a welfare rights officer today ,he rang the tax credits and they have sorted our award and we should have some money next week ,i would be interested to know what rate mobility you got Lisa , and well done for winning the tribrunral, but if you dont want to discuss it i will understand ,ive been trying to think about things in a more positive light ,you know looking around at what i have and you know i am lucky to have so many good things around me ,its not a magic cure but it seems to be helping .Ok Lisa im sorry to hear about the toothache ,i dont think theres any worse pain than that it really does wear you down ,ive had loads of trouble with my teeth and im terrified of the dentist .
Ill tell you about the phycologist soon ,enjoy your night ,give my regards to Mark ,if the show is funny laugh out loud it will do you good .Enjoy the weekend it looks a little cold though
Best wishes for now Ken and Fran ,,

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

The Phycologist

Postby xken728 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 4:09 pm

Well its been quiet here ,so ill talk about the phycologist ,as you may remember back in may i had been waiting to see a clinacal phycologist ,
finally the appiontment came in june ,it was unfortunatly in doncaster about 10 miles away through a busy town ,This would pose a problem as
Fran cant travel and she would find it hard to be home with me that distanse away ,But she assurred me she would be fine ,and on the day i was worried about her but she knew if i was needed i would return home straight away,i got to the clinic witch i found easily as there was a great big siqn outside saying ,MENTAL HEALTH CENTRE ,Great wish id had worn my im a nutter hat now !!!! It was a small indian lady i saw ,she asked why i had come and what i expected of her ,i said i know you wont be able to cure me ,i just want you to make my life a little better ,i told her how i felt ,I talked about the visitor and the way i spoke and saw things in my life ,I could see that she had become interested and was asking about how i coped ,the first session lasted an hour and a half ,when i came out it was nice to have been able to talk to someone about how i managed my depression ,the next session was a fortnight later ,it to lasted an hour and a half ,this was much the same ,but she asked me to close my eyes and go back to being a child , i tryed to do this but there was nothing there ,nothing to remember ,only the fact that anytime i would go into the house my mother would be upstairs in bed with a migraine or depression and my father would be layed on the sofa in the room asleep ,I look at it this way ,even if they were ill they should have not shown me their pain ,and made the effort to look ok for my sake ,as i did with my two girls they grew up happy with a funny happy Father ,they never knew the
torment of my illness ,i always said the visitor would never touch them and it has always been that way , They should have made the effort ,
OK the phycologist wanted me to join a group and attend every two weeks ,but im afraid i declined this ,i had not felt comfortable being so far away from Fran ,and even though she had said she would be ok ,and she had been on both occasions i knew it was a strain for her ,somewere within me i know this would not have done me any good i wasnt comfortable ,i think know i must look at things in a different way ,it is after all my brain telling me things are so bad ,and when i try really hard i can see that i have a good life ,and really cant wish for much more ,i have so much to be grateful for ,and i must learn to see it more that way ,
during june and july i also did a condition manigement program ,
ill say Goodnight here ,and talk about that another time ,
Best Wishes Ken and Fran

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Oct 18, 2010 5:37 pm

((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))

You are/did take steps, big and small but you did it. Through all the negative you have your positive, in Fran. That's what I see, that part wins out if you aren't realizing it. She is your angel on earth.

Don't give up the battle, you are winning.

Warmie

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Glad you enjoy what i have to say

Postby xken728 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 3:51 pm

Hello Warmie ,hope your day is going well ,and your feeling ok ,
you are right about Fran being my angel and she is most definatly ,the positive ,all the time the doctors and pychologists were trying to get me to go back into my past ,Fran would say to me you should be looking to now and the future ,she would always tell me how lucky i am and how clever ive been ,The family i have made and the life i haven given them ,and i do see now ,and i think more positivly i have bad days of course but i treat them as just days and nothing more .i wake to each day thinking it will be ok ,and mostly they are ,I sleep better at night and i enjoy my days more .
I do love Fran so much and always tell her this ,were in tune I can look at her and want to cry ,We have been through much together in hard times and weve seen them ,we never cracked weve held each other and cryed ,But weve always known that now matter what, well get by and we have ,I would have thought at this age in our lives we would have life a little easier than it is just now ,but we,ll get through this its only money and at the end of the day we have what we need .
Its nice to see you understand and enjoy what i write ,Ok i,ll wrap it up now well be turning in soon so i,ll make Fran a cup of tea .
My eldest daughter Bridget goes to Fuerteventura tommorrow and i know Fran will worry about her till shes landed safely ,but ill keep reasuring her
Ok Warmie have a good rest of your day ,,Goodnight Ken and Fran ,,

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Tue Oct 19, 2010 10:39 pm

(((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))

Fran is right, well to me she is. The past is the past, we can't change it, we learn from it, correct what we can and go forward. Wish lady you have there.

Had better days, no need to complain, getting through things as always. Thank you for your wishes.

Warmie

lisalou
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Location: Brighton, England

Postby lisalou » Wed Oct 20, 2010 1:29 pm

hiya ken, sorry for late reply,have been extremely low this week. hope fran's lungs are coping with the colder weather. i'm pleased you have jack,i have friends with depression who have dogs and they say it helps to have their companionship and to get the exercise from taking them for walks. me and mark love car boots too,we go to a really good one every sunday morning. you find such intersting stuff there and they're so much less stressful than high street shops. happy belated birthday too! did you do anything to celebrate it? pleased your tax credits are sorted. i am getting high rate care and low rate mobility for DLA. the money is making such a difference and i really appreciate not having financial worry any more. feel a bit guilty that i still feel so awful but then i guess depression isnt about lack of money. I agree that raking up stuff from the past can actually be counter productive. i often used to come out of therapy feeling much worse. i can relate to what you were saying though about having depressed parents, my mum was often in bed or miserable and unresponsive and my dad was at the pub a lot and used to tell me things about his state of mind that i shouldnt have had to hear such as wanting to kill himself or run away. the message i got from both was that life is awful. i dont want to be like that but i am also struggling so badly to keep out of the depths at the moment, i am getting lots of thoughts of utter despair again. starting another day hospital programme next week as things have been so bad so maybe that will help tide me over. finding it hard even to come on here these days

hope bridget has a good holiday
Lisa x

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

hi Warmie and Lisa and thankyou

Postby xken728 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 4:14 pm

Hi Warmie ,you always seem to get on with things ,and you keep yourself busy i guess and as you say you never complain ,but i hope you feel a little better soon .You suffer in near silence and i know thats the way you prefer to keep it .i have found it better here to talk about good things and life in general ,as you agree with Fran ive led a good life apart from when i was young and it was a mistake the fire, I have everything to be proud of ,
my childhood wasnt perfect and maybe it did have effect on me ,But it made me bring my girls up well ,and so i suppose i learnt a lot to ,
Even though there grown up now they know they can turn to me .
I,ll tell Fran you agree with her ,she,ll be pleased about that Warmie and you Lisa ,
Its ok about the late reply Lisa i know your not feeling all that well ,dont forget ive been there for the last 45 years ,you know i do feel better now but im sorry i cant tell you what happened ,i think it was Fran saying i should drop my guilt and see what i have ,little by little ive done this and it does appear to be working , theres no majic here or a miricle ,but just hang in there Lisa you have Mark and his love for you will carry you through this maybe one morning you will wake up and feel differantly ,i really do ,it is hard Lisa i know that and it wears us down ,but just carry on ,cant really say anymore .You musent feel quilty for feeling you way you do its an illness ,its a shame our illness cant be seen Lisa maybe we would get a little more understanding!!!!!!
Im glad your better off money wise it does lift the burden a lot ,and yes me and Fran love the carboots ours is just 2 mins down the road ,its a little tin covered market place and theres a boot on sunday and wensday morning .Ive stood these loads of times and done really well , theres also one in barnsley ,about ten miles away and we go to that one when Fran feels ok
Fran has been ok in the cold weather ,ive got her a new spacer today for her inhalers ,she has to take about 15 puffs in a morning and the same at night ,but shes been ok .it was really cold here today ,but as you know i like winter ,thanks both for your concern its nice you care Bridget landed safely in oh im not spelling that again !!!! shes there safely ,so Fran will settle a little now ,I know what you mean about the therapy Lisa i would feel worse sometimes ,oh and my dad would always go to the pub every night without fail and he did walk out on my mam when he was 50 odd ,,ok Lisa and Warmie thanks for you replys ,i hope you feel a little better soon the both of you ,,take care i hope ive covered everything ,brains a little fuzzy these days ,,weve bought a fish tank and have some fish .i,ll talk about that later ,,take care ,,goodnight Ken and Fran,,,

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:55 pm

Ken,

Yes lesson you learned make you a better parent, given your daughter your wisdom as well as your love. Win-win situation. Give Fran a warm hug from me and thank her for being there for you, my friend.

LOL I complain, but don't see how it helps my situations. What is, is and I do try my best to just deal with it all.

Do sleep well, take care of yourself.

Warmie

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Ive never heard you complain !!!!!

Postby xken728 » Thu Oct 21, 2010 3:47 pm

Evening Warmie ,thanks for the hug for Fran ,i,ll give her that tonight weve been feeling a lot better today the money we were waiting for has finally gone into our bank today .that will be a great weight off both our minds ,,Ive never heard you complain ,you carry your problems well.
And i know you do have them ,i wont say much as im not feeling to good just now ,not depression just a little emm sick feeling ive been laying down ,maybe im just over tired
The weather has been bright but cold here ,and were forcast rain tommorrow ,Thanks for your kind words its nice to see you write this as it goes to show that Fran is right and i am a good person ,I do my best ive always treid to help others and been polite and caring .
Its good to back posting Ive talked to you and lisa and monty but many of my freinds are silent just now ,i wont list them here they know who they are ,i hope your all ok ,I.ll say goodnight now its about teatime for you i think .you have a good evening Warmie girl and take care ,
Goodnight best wishes Ken and my Angel Fran ,,

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 9:38 am

((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))

My concerns are mine to figure out, if I can. But knowing you and Fran are with me in thoughts helps more than you know.

Sorry for the shortness of this, but ill at the moment and need to go back to bed, try for some rest. Do take care of yourself, "Fran, keep him in line for the both of us." LOL.

(((((((((((((((((( Ken and Fran ))))))))))))))

Warmie

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Sorry to hear your ill

Postby xken728 » Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:33 pm

Sorry to hear your ill ,Warmie
Im so glad you find comfort in Myself and Frans company ,its good to have freinds even though we will never meet and live many miles away in differant countrys ,we are freinds non the less and it does help i know that .
and as for me being kept in line ,dont you worry about that ,i know my place thats for sure ,Fran makes sure i dont lift to much ,,dont drive to fast ,and tells me not to do to much at work on my own ,she knows i still see myself with 18 year old eyes ,but the silly 52 year old man always does to much and makes himself ill, You just get some rest and feel better soon , myself and Fran have been fine today ,were gonna have some rain tonight ,we will both enjoy having the bedroom window open and listening to it in the night , simple things but nice !! Ok warmie girl you take care form the both of us here ,you,ll feel better tommorrow ,
Warm wishes Ken and Fran ,,, you will figure things out one day ,im sure of that ,Goodnight

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Sun Oct 24, 2010 10:36 am

(((((((( Ken )))))))))))

Dealing with things, thanks for your concern. Yes to know 'real' friends is a very important factor in ones life. Thank you both.

Warmie

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

VERY ILL

Postby xken728 » Sat Oct 30, 2010 3:40 pm

Your welcome Warmie your away now so you wont see this yet ,ok ive been very poorly indeed since last sunday ,picked up some virus and it has given me a real beating ,Fran held me at one point and told me she thought i was dying ,poor little angel ,i know how that one feels .its seems like my imune system is getting weaker and im just losing my strentgh ,i seem to get them more frequently ,im gonna see the doc next week and ask for a heart monitor ,check and stuff ,
im having to lift a lot of stuff at work now and its leaving me short of breath .
ok guys hope your all ok ,im feeling happy despite being ill ,,having our money sorted out helps of course ,im taking Fran to doncaster tommorrow for a look around the shops and maybe she can treat herself ,its a big journey for her we havent been in around 5 mnths ,hopefully ill let you know how it goes
take care everyone and stay safe ,talk soon best wishes Ken and Fran

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Warmsoul/Jeanie13
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Postby Warmsoul/Jeanie13 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 10:02 am

((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))

I hope you are doing better. There is something going around, and it is a rough one.

Take care ...

(((((((( Fran )))))))))) ty for taking care of my friend.

Warmie

xken728
Posts: 178
Joined: Sat Oct 09, 2010 4:18 pm

Thankyou Warmie

Postby xken728 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:41 pm

Thanks Warmie ,ive just started to feel better after about ten days ,I still went to work im not a baby when it comes to these things ,i stand and fight ,but it has taken its toll ,im weak ,and i feel very deppressed due to the fact that the fever and sweats have washed the Lithium out of my body ,i,ll be ok it will soon build up again ,and as you said before i have my Earth Angel Fran to look after me .ok i.ll keep it short ,hope your ok and take care ,,bless Ken and Fran ,goodnight Warmie !!!


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