Loosing best friend through suicide

[CrazyLady17]

I FEEL GUITLY FOR MY BEST FRIENDS DEATH.
That's my story

[PixieArmy]

Dear CrazyLady,

I did a LOOOOT of therapy over the years, that helped, leaned on my friends, let myself feel whatever i wanted to feel… sadness, anger, nostalgia… but also happiness and allow myself to be happy again without him.

No, i don't think you are crazy, we all cope with grieving in different was and as long as you don't hurt yourself or others i think everything goes.

Maybe you can donate does gifts so Salvation Army or a women's shelter, in her name, to honor her .

She is still here, I do believe that. I think theres a part of her in your heart that will never die, all the things you shared and how you grew together, so she is part of you, she can still make you strong, you just need to find her in your heart.

Its not your fault, she made a decision. Im sorry you were put in that position cuz its not fair, we are not responsible for anyones life but ours. Its different, knowing that someone is thinking about it and knowing they are making that step, please don't be so hard no yourself, you are a young woman, you can't carry that burden, not then and not now.

Hope you have a good day.

PixieArmy

[Frame]

I think that's a wonderful idea, Pixie, to give a gift to a worthy cause in honor of someone you miss.

[CrazyLady17]

Hey,

Aww thank you. You're reply brought a tear to my eye(don't know why, but did)....
Aww bless. Thank you for sharing that with me.

Ah what a good idea, yes I will do that on her the honour of her. Thank you for that good Idea again .
I will do that sometime next week eek

Yes she is in my heart and she has a very special place in my heart and always will do. How is she still here? I wish she was still here with me
Hmm suppose so.... I'm not strong though? I feel so weak. I feel so lost without her.

Thank you.
I know it was her choice to take her own life- but I could of helped her get help, but I didn't.
I'm such a bad friend. I let her do it and I should of stopped her.
I know. But I do carry the burden around and I'm trying not to but can't help it.

Frame; thank you. And I will do.

[CrazyLady17]

Tomorrow( 9th December) is my best friends birthday, she would of been 18. We had plans to go out and celebrate, but now they have gone downhill. All I want to do is sit in a dark dark room, drinking alcohol, crying my eyes out and rocking myself in a corner.
I don't know what to do anymore? Can someone tell me?

I feel so lost inside.
I don't want to be here sometimes myself... I want to be with my best friend.

[CrazyLady17]

Today is my best friends 18th birthday.
Too bad she isn't alive to celebrate this special day with her friends and family...
I have her card and present and been looking at it for hours now, crying and really wanting to open it but I can't.... It's hers!!
Today is going to be a huge struggle, I just want my best friend back. It isn't fair.

[CrazyLady17]

Does anyone know how I can spend today as it's my best friends birthday today?
And I feel very low and feel like serously harming myself

I need to know how to spend it?
Thank you.

[Frame]

One way you could honour her memory is by spending the day helping out at shelter for women. If you can't find one, simply spending the day tracking one down would be good.

Your friend obviously was troubled and helping out other troubled girls in her name seems appropriate. It also serves the function of keeping you with other people (and away from self harm), talking with people and perhaps finding some insight into your own issues.

[CrazyLady17]

Okay thank you Frame.
But thing is it's late afternoon here in the UK now though? So what should I do? Shall I still look for a shelter near me?
What a good idea, I will do that now thank you.

Yes it might distract me from self harming hmm....
Already have self harmed today though
What should i do?

[CrazyLady17]

Today is the day after my best friends 18th birthday. So I've decided to donate her birthday and christmas presents to the women's homeless shelter and I will personally give the homeless some gifts and make a difference within themselves and hopefully, feel a little better within myself too.

Quite proud of myself for doing this- and hope Rosie would be proud of me too, I know this is what she would of wanted me to do with them.

Wish my good luck!

[CrazyLady17]

Well I took Rosie's Christmas and birthday gifts to the women's homeless shelter and watched them open them and smiling, it made me smile and made me feel like I've done something good to honour Rosie by.
Feeling quite proud of myself for doing that today.

[CrazyLady17]

Still can't believe she committed suicide. Can't believe I didn't stop her, what on earth was I thinking? Keeping a massive sercert from everyone- I should of told someone about her plans and how she felt... But no.... I promised her I wouldn't tell a soul. Now it makes me look like the bad guy in all this. Everytime I look in the mirror I don't see a "a lovely young lady", all I see is a "monster, a murder". I hate these feelings now.

[CrazyLady17]

Well tomorrow is 3 months since my bestfriend commited suicide and left me with all the guilt, hurt and suffering with so much grief and painful feelings!
I still haven't been able to come to terms with her death yet, and to me fair I don't think I'll ever get over it and move on. It's just too painful to even think about moving on right now.

[CrazyLady17]

Christmas Day tomorrow and it'll be the first one without seeing my best friend, will be hard and I know I'll struggle to get through the day, especially as I'm in hospital an spending it alone as nobody will come see me

[Frame]

If your whole life surrounded being with your friend and every Christmas has been spent with your friend, then I can see how hard this must be.

But it's time to start new traditions. Today is a day to think about tomorrow and what tomorrow means; not what you have lost but what you have left and what you might like to do with rest of your life.