A Story

[aceofspades]

I initially intended on keeping this short, but I decided to scratch that because this will be the first time I've ever written down my story in full detail. Props if you can read all of it.

Warning: I'm only 20, so alot of this will be high school drama.

I was first diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at age 14. Looking back, I think it may have started earlier.

I seemed to have a perfect childhood. In many ways, I think this is correct. My parents were (and still are) married, and my life with them has never been short of perfect.

When I was pretty young, it was hoped that I would go to the olympics for swimming. I was put into a development program and most of my day consisted of swimming. Even at school, I did land exercises at every opportunity.

Long story short, I just wasn't good enough, and was cut from the program. My team got a new coach, who was an ex-olympic coach, and his goal was to get me back into the program. Well, I didn't make that either. Eventually, I became rather sad and angry that something I worked for my entire life up to that point had come to nothing. I didn't have any friends outside of swimming, and didn't really know what to do with myself unless I was jumping into a pool.

Kindof related: When I was 10, puberty hit me like a ton of bricks. I had more acne at 10 than most people have their entire lives. It was so bad, I literally had no friends. At the swimming championships that year, they were even concerned that the "oil" might contaminate the pool water. That angered me a whole lot. I felt like I was being ostracized for something I could not control.

Many people said "why don't you get medicine?" The fact is, I did. Nothing worked. I worked with the head of dermatology at the local hospital for years trying to get some improvement, but it never went away.

In 7th grade, I was put on the hardcore acne drug Accutane. It's been thought that Accutane may cause depression, but who knows. The medicine did its job. Over the course of my 7th grade year, my acne got less and less to the point that by the summer you could never tell I had it at all.

It was the summer between 7th and 8th grade when I realized there was something wrong with me. I didn't know what, but I knew there was something the matter. I quit swimming entirely. The summer season was usually the most challenging, and I couldn't stand the thought of swimming for hours everyday for nothing. That summer, my family and a friend's family went to Orlando to visit Universal Studios and Sea World.
I realized something was wrong when I would have much rather stayed in the room and slept than go out to the parks. I got up and went, but I always wore out quickly. I couldn't sleep at night, something I had never had an issue with before. I was constantly tired, but I could never sleep. I started writing music, the most angsty-songs I've ever seen.

Shortly after I started 8th grade, every one of my teachers went to my parents, saying they were concerned about my mental health. I went to a small school, so most of the teachers had known me since 6th grade. I was getting sick everyday. I would wake up for school, get sick, and go back to bed.

I started seeing as psychologist who diagnosed me, after a couple months, with major depressive disorder and anxiety issues. I wound up going on homebound schooling for most of 8th grade. These problems plagued me into my freshman year of high school, and I barely passed. Not because of grades, but because of lousy attendance.

For 10th and 11th grade, things were looking up. I got myself my first real girlfriend and the rock band I formed in 9th grade was starting to take off. I started forming my first real friendships with guys who were in the band. I even felt confident enough to join the high school swim team, which basically I only did for the exercise. I stopped caring whether or not I succeeded.

All of the good feelings I had those years came crashing down my senior year. Early that school year, a friend of mine was seriously injured in a car wreck. I used my talents as a musician and held a benefit concert for the crash victims. The event was a huge success-but some people began spreading around that I had stolen the money. Even though it was completely false, my reputation (and that of my band) was ruined. My girlfriend and I broke up, and my friends began focusing more attention on their girlfriends than me.

The two events that really killed me was my band was unable to play in that year's battle of the bands and my friends, who all got together on prom night, didn't invite me because their girlfriends wouldn't let them.

I had pretty poor attendance that year, and just barely graduated. By some miracle, I got into college.

I took that for what it was. Someone had taken a chance on me. I had to succeed. In reality, I had just pushed my depression so deep down that not even I realized I was still having issues. One day, I threw my alarm clock in my sleep. I didn't make it to any classes. I got so stressed out that I got into the unhealthy habit of not going to class to avoid facing the professor.

I had also discovered alcohol. My first semester, I was hardly ever awake and sober. I was constantly either asleep or drunk. On halloween night, it all came back to bite me. I got drunk, had a dispute with one of my roomates, and for whatever reason took every pill I had. I came out ok, but the college made me take a medical withdrawal, a kind grace seeing as really I should've been just kicked out. To get back in, they wanted a doctor's note and a full semester at the local community college.

I spent two semesters at the community college, but didn't do well because I was so depressed over having to leave my 4-year school. It was hard watching all of my other friends succeed in college.

I'm currently on my third semester, and I am doing alright. But I feel myself slipping. For the first time in a long time, I hit the snooze button. Now I feel guilty. I have to succeed. It's so hard knowing that I am 20 years old and will be just a freshman in college when and if I go back.

Whew...that was a long story. Thanks for reading.

[dd-va]

Ace of spades,
Welcome to the forums! Sorry to hear about your struggles....high school and college years can be a trying time for many young people. Are you seeking treatment for your depression? I feel that it is good that you are able to recognize the signs of slipping back down, now you just have to make yourself react accordingly. The first and some times hardest step is realizing that there is a problem, and then reaching out for help/support....glad to see you have done both of these! Keep fighting....you will make it through! Hope to see more of you here! Take care

dd-va