A story?

[cutemadness]

Hi everyone who is reading

the truth is...i am not sure what is my situation however, i feel the need to get help otherwise, i might fall deep into depression.

i dont even know what a depression is.

the only thing i know is that i am currently undergoing a dark period of my life.

i feel useless.

alone.

i seriously feel scared and lonely.

i am going to be 28, female and single.

I used to have many friends, good,fun social life. With family, i always been the outcast. I always feel i dont belong with my family members. i always feel closer to my friends.

recently, i decided to end an unhealthy relationship. the guy didnt really love me but i kept holding on for many many years, thinking that at the end of the day, he will realise how much i feel for him. bordering obsessing i guess. at times. that makes me feel as if i am crazy and put my self esteem lower.

he wanted me to lose weight. i am not super overweight.slightly but he prefers skinnier girls.

letting him go after holding him for so many years is difficult for me.

and suddenly i realise that i have no more friends because 95% of them are married, and now they go out in married groups, leaving me, the single one. i understand the reason, perhaps they dont want to inconvenient me by asking me to join them on my own.

my career? i am an academician and they expect me to further my study at phd level this year.

my family?

i feel more at distance with my family. it seems i never know what is going on around. i feel like an outcast. my second sister seems to not liking me so much, and if i do not follow her wishes, she simply ignore me and shut me down. she and the other 3 (out of 5 and i am the eldest) seem to have many things in common and they kind of form a big group.

and me?the outcast.

my parents no longer tell me what is going on in the family.i am usually the last to know any family function or if anything happen. sometimes, they blame me if i cannot go to cousin's engagement which i did not know is taking place.

so, yes. at this age, i am feeling like a total loser. no love life. no friends. and an outcast in my own family.

it is so easy to fall deeper to this hole of shit.

but i want to get out. i want to get help. and i recognise that my current situation need professional help.

but i just do not know where to go.

i know it might be my sensitive nature or watsoever.

but losing everything at the same time, is just too much.

i need to find my strength.

my younger siblings disrespect me, especially the youngest.

i think he feels he is strong because they are a gang.

every thing i do seems to be wrong in the eyes of my family.

thus, i prefer the companion of my friends.

now even they are gone. one by one.

and i guess, no one really want to be close with a crazy, mentally instable girl like me.

HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i need my sanity back because i know if i am going to further my phd, things can get worse.