Could this be a form of depression?

[Disco]

I am new here... I have been reading a lot of other people's posts and want to express my sympathy for the horrible things some have gone through.

I don't have any traumatic incidents or serious problems in my life, in fact I laugh a lot, can find humor in anything, and appear to have a great life. Married over 10 years, good job, etc.

Problem is, when it comes to things involving the heart, I am pretty much numb to it all. I haven't always been this way, it gradually happened in my early 20's, I think (I am in my late 30's now) and just became part of me and wasn't something I gave much thought to.

In the last year or so I've been having weird thoughts that are kind of troubling me. A really recent example was the other night when I was in bed trying to fall asleep, my mind was racing so I tried to envision myself on a beach listening to the waves, and one of my co-workers came into the picture and was laying on the beach with me and we were talking (no actual dialogue, just the sense of a deep conversation, like I used to have with my friends when I was younger) and it felt so amazing that I had to make it stop. It wasn't a romantic or sexual feeling but just like a feeling for a really close friend where both can open up completely... In real life I do sort of sense a connection to him but never gave it any thought or let myself feel anything.

This isn't the first time something like this has happened, I think it is my mind trying to test the water and let myself feel something for someone I don't know that well so I can't be hurt that badly??

It is so hard to explain to anyone who doesn't know that "numb" feeling, it's just so awkward to feel "warm and fuzzy" that it's uncomfortable, all these years it never bothered me, I just appreciated the drama-free mind but I don't know anymore. It certainly never occurred to me that it could be a form of depression but I can't help but wonder after all this time why is it bothering me NOW?

[hollyann]

Hi Disco, welcome to the forum. Only a doctor could diagnos you with the depression, but the numb feeling is something a lot of us feel or have felt. And it can be a symptom of it. And definately can be used as a defense mechanism to be kept from getting hurt. Depression can happen to anyone it doesn't matter if theyve had trauma or not. It strikes people in all walks of life. Maybe you are finally realizing you dont have to be numb to be okay. And those feelings are awakening again which is why you have such a hard time with it now.

Holly

[Disco]

Thanks... I'm not at a point where I want to see a doctor or anything, I guess I am just trying to decide if I even want to change the way I am, being guarded/numb has pluses and minuses... there are times (especially lately) where I have the urge to feel things but I'm thinking if I DID feel things I'm sure there would be times that I wish I didn't... don't know if that makes any sense but was just more wondering if a lack of feeling can be a form of depression or maybe that is just my personality.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond!

[crystalgaze]

I can't say for sure, but maybe you are wanting for a change of scenery, something different for your life?

Keep searching & perhaps you may find the answer!

You're doing good, just for paying attention to yourself. I applaud you for that!

[Disco]

I have been thinking of some things I can try, I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with it but I am going to try giving 10 compliments a day, and asking 10 questions to others about themselves per day, even if I don't totally feel anything I say at first, I am hoping that I will get positive reactions and it will maybe give me a little more confidence that it's ok to be human and care about people.

Not sure if it will work but I don't see how it could hurt. It will feel so awkward though.