My story (trigger)

[chacha90]

It's scary how quickly it got to this point. My dreams, my laughter, my happiness- all gone. At 20 years of age I should be experiencing "the greatest years of my life" but instead I want to curl up and cry. I feel so alone and so scared. I could sit here and list my problems, but that's not going to help. I've decided to post a piece of my suicide letter. I wrote this letter not with the intentions of killing myself, but rather with the hope that someone would find it and realize just how much I need help. My parents found it and told me I was being dramatic. Dramatic or not, the pain is real.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
I'm sorry this is how it ends. But I'm not sorry for you. I'm sorry to that once radiant little girl who had a passion for life, with the world at her finger tips. You must have been too busy to notice her fading smile and her bleeding wrists. All she wanted was for you to believe in her as much as she believed in herself..."

I'm terrified of what might happen if I don't open up and talk about it. So here it is. I'm depressed.

[crystalgaze]

Welcome & feel free to 'talk'. I'm glad that you are listening to how you are feeling. Getting it out is a good start. (By the way, I'm in my mid-20s. Things cleared up with time for me. Maybe it will for you, as well?? I don't know.)

There are some things that I will say to you at this point about your S-note.



chacha90: I'm sorry to that once radiant little girl who had a passion for life.

My belief could be wrong, but I feel your passion for life can be rekindled/revived. I searched myself for an answer, & for a good while, there was none. I didn't give up hope entirely. Surely, I had days where I felt down, didn't feel too good & wanted to give up, but I pressed on anyway. How I thought of it was: "It couldn't hurt." T

hen, one day, out of nowhere, I had an answer, & I was pretty confident in it. It took some thinking, planning & lots of soul searching....



chacha90: with the world at her finger tips.

The world is still at your finger tips. It may take some time for your to get there, but it is still there. What I'm really saying is keep your options open. I found that when I started limiting myself & closing things off from myself, that's when I was in trouble.

This may sound strange, but even if you don't fully believe it, tell it to yourself anyway (positive things). Repetition actually helped me believe in the end, & repetition served as hope for me to find my way out of the hole I was in at that time. (Even now, I'm still in a hole, but you know, it's not as bad as it was. I can climb out now better than I previously could.)


chacha90: You must have been too busy to notice her fading smile and her bleeding wrists.

My parents didn't notice either. However, I don't blame them for it or anything like that. With parents, I almost always chalk it up to "they did the best they could" or "maybe they just weren't equipped/ready or just simply didn't want to be parents". They didn't notice, but YOU DID. At least, you didn't slip through the cracks!!

There were also lots of things I didn't tell them that was going on, so they actually didn't know. They didn't want to baby me too much but give me space & room to make my own decisions (so I would not grow up to be an invalid). Even with the little I told them, they just were not able to fully understand what I was saying, especially when I was in elementary school. They just couldn't believe it.... I think they were in denial....


chacha90: All she wanted was for you to believe in her as much as she believed in herself..."

My parents were & weren't really the outward types.... but I knew they couldn't provide me with everything or satisfy all of my wants/needs. If you feel that they don't believe in you, you continue to believe in yourself. That's imperative. To be honest, in all the time I was more ill than I am right now, I can't say that I felt they believed in me. I think that one was hard to express. They probably prayed silently, though.

Also, if you feel they don't believe in you, then see if there are other people who do or express it more openly or that you feel it from them. For example, my Dad has a friend, who I can call her & chat about stuff in confidence. I can also talk to my [fairy] godmothers. In fact, my godmother's husband has been a true godfather to me, versus the ones who have the titles. Recently, I even acquired/inherited a lady who she just bubbles when she sees me. There may be other people for you.

Of course, you feel people out & keep your eyes peeled. That's how you survive.

I find that my parents don't know how to deal with everything I say. Often times, they are speechless.... & they also feel at a loss/helpless.

I don't know your exact situation, but these were thoughts that rolled out my head. I hope it is of some help to you.