Cosmic Cat Play (Triggering Material)

[Mich]

I like the things you said you would try to do for TODAY. I will try to do them too.

[paperceltictiger]

Hello (((((((((((((((S-Hopes)))))))))))))))))

I want to suggest we rename you to "Sharing Hope"

I can not express to me how moved I was to see how you shared words of encouragement while you were experiencing your own pain. Somehow I feel selfish... You have experience far more pain in your life than a person deserves to feel but you are winning.

You are making a difference in peoples lives (I can say first hand) and - really - what is more important? I was spiralling out of control and you made the difference. I can't talk to people I know. I was able to talk to you.

I see an improvement in your mood in your writing and I hope it is true and continuing!

THE WORLD IS A BETTER PLACE BECAUSE OF YOU!!!!

Be well and always know I am here for you like you were for me!!!!

[Mich]

I LOVE that idea of changing your name to Sharing Hope. You have shared hope with me many times and have pulled me from the abyss of despair and hopelessness. I cherish your friendship and I hope and pray that you get some relief from your suffering. I am always here for you also.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks very much for your support and encouragement!
This has been rather a emotionally low week for me, and your last post really helped me to cope and feel better about myself and the world around me.
You do, of course, have the absolute right to choose and retain any username that you choose. ( Within the limits of reason and decency, of course! ) Although, I would have no hesitation in saying that as a description of what you accomplish on this site " Sharing Hope " would be a very good description of you!!!!

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((Mich, Tacking, Paper)))))))))))) thank you for your kind and caring comments, you warmed my heart.

Made it til 7:00 last night until broke down heavily sobbing, but felt better afterwards and got good night's sleep.

Long ago, once upon a time when my faith was strong, I prayed for a sign if I was to go into the ministry...I prayed for a flock of geese...that night there were geese on the news in regard to a bird flu story...then the next day went to a political meeting and while waiting for it to start, picked up little free newsletter and the first article was about geese, how they flock, and fly in formation, etc. For a long time, everytime I saw geese I would feel that was a sign I was in the right place, on the right track...

Now I just view it as coincidence, not a sign...

But today I had to go pay some bills, and I picked up some lunch and went to a park by the river to eat, and there were Canadian Geese everywhere. I just sat and watched them, feeling not so much sad, as a gentle longing for the faith I used to have in things being okay and right with the world...but enjoyed watching them nonetheless. I sat and thought about my novel, as there is a place where the geese would figure in as a symbolism...I really want to force myself to get back to writing.

Then I went to the Goodwill and managed to find a few movies my former best friend from long ago still has of mine (I had just loaned her a whole bunch of movies before she betrayed me) and some books, and all in all got 4 (3 of which were hard backs) books and 5 movies for $27...a nice splurge that perked me up a little.

I have had the opportunity to seek totally legal vengence on a few people, but declined to take it. I don't have to sink to their level and the least I can do is cling to some level of decency...and sometimes ((((((Tacking)))) people do get what is coming to them...one person who slightly wronged me but definitely wronged others wronged the wrong person (a lot of wrongs!) and got sued and ended up filing for bankrupcy.

So I can't come up with an indecent name for SH? lol Thanks ((((ALL)))) for your kindness and caring. I am coping today, hanging on...and I have books to read and movies to watch this weekend! Thanks for sharing hopes with me ((((((((((ALL))))))))))))).

[Mich]

((((((shatteredhopes)))))) Yay for books and movies! Lunch in the park sounds very serene also. I am glad those Canadian Geese left you and your lunch alone....they can get quite nasty!
I would be so happy if you could get back to your writing. It's a wonderful, expressive outlet and I think you have much to write about.
I wish you well this weekend.

PS - Don't worry about me....I am not dehydrating myself anymore.

[shatteredhopes]

Sometimes I give up, and want to die, sometimes I want to fight the evil and powers that be for what is good and right and to take a stand.

After that first hospitalization in a long, long time and the deterioration of my life and faith, I was prepared to end my life. I had had enough. After 7 years of sobriety, I picked up a 12 pack of beer to numb me for the act. I popped open the first beer and drank to the end of my sobriety and life. All those years of sobriety, however, I had lost my tolerance and become a light weight, feeling a little too buzzed and happy after just one beer. So I picked up my unfinished copy of "Night," Elie Wiesel's account of his experience in Auschwitz...surely this would remind me how hopeless everything is, how horrible reality, how aligned the cosmic forces and powers that be are against humankind...all was well, until the Epilogue, his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech, in which he said "We have to use our voice."

No matter what I had endured or would endure, I had to use my voice to fight for no one to suffer as I suffered, for no one to suffer even far worse...

So I gave away the rest of the beer to my kind neighbor who has mowed my grass for several years even though I can no longer pay him.

I would attempt suicide less than a month later, but my method hurt too much, and I stopped and ended up in the hospital, where of the 13 pages of the substantive portion of human rights regulations almost all were violated during that just over a month stay. I lived for a long time to fight my human rights case. I lived for a long time to fight injustice in the world in my own little way. And I am trying, ever so hard, to live now to get back to the work of helping others and making a difference with my life and using my voice.

When I look upon the world filled with human trafficking, genocide, child soldiers, needless famine, etc., I know every one of us counts, or should or can, to make a difference. So I live now to fight another day. Sometimes I get weary, and want to end my life, and feel futility. But for today, I have fight left in me.

[paperceltictiger]

SHopes,

You are such a beautiful writer - your voice is powerful. You do make a difference already. You inspire others with your words. Keep fighting and keep helping others. We all need each other

Be well

[Mich]

(((((shatteredhopes))))) I am so glad that the "fight" is still in you. I want to do everything I can to help you in your fight as you have helped me in mine. I agree, your words are beautiful and have deep meaning. I encourage you to continue your writing...don't ever give it up.

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks so much (((((((((paper, mich)))))))))...

I tried to outline a little of where I want to go with my novel (left off writing in the middle of third chapter long ago) and froze up. Seems I am either anxious and too wound up to the point it is paralyzing, or depressed to the point I cannot function. Its the bi-polar thing but haven't had too much luck with bi-polar meds. So I am left very little time where I am in neutral but energetic enough to accomplish something. Its frustrating.

I need to cut down on sugar and carbs to see if that reduces some of the tenseness that paralyzes me...I am hypoglycemic but don't eat and exercise as I should and I know that's contributing to my mental illness.

I so want to turn my life around. Changing my eating is about the only thing I can do right now and going up on the wellbutrin to see how it goes...hope it doesn't make me too anxious...

My insurance guy is supposed to be getting back to me and in a few months it is possible I might be able to afford going to group therapy twice a month. Group is sorta limited in effect because so little individual time to talk about problems, but as much as this site has helped me in getting peer support and trying to support others, I think it would be a beneficial extension of that, and force some face to face contact. Maybe a way to make new friends who understand too...

I had a bit of panic last night thinking about the political meeting this week and going back to my 12 step meetings. I really should force myself to be with people again, and very afraid that I will become completely socially phobic if I don't force myself out there. The thing is, I aways feel better once I get out and around people, its just hard to force myself into doing it to begin with, and there's a big difference between strangers and people you actually know and casual friends, whom I fear are more likely to hurt me. I've just been hurt so much, by so many in recent years especially, that I'm isolating and hiding away from people and fearful of taking risks.

Stupid, but I am starting to fear being around people doing or saying something impulsively that is inappropriate, probably because I have been isolating so long...

Do I freeze up with my novel because I fear failure, yet another dream dying and another avenue closed to me? I think so...I'm just so afraid of being hurt, I do nothing. But that's not good...how will I ever rebuild a life and income if I don't force myself back out there? I've rationalized that I needed quiet healing time, but at some point, isolating becomes counter-productive. And I need to get back to doing some work because poverty totally bites!

So in terms of baby steps, small adjustments in my diet to start working toward much more healthy eating habits. Hoping good nuitrition will stablize my blood sugar enough to give me more neutral but still energetic times to be productive.

Ah well, I just wish there was a magic quick cure, a pill I could take or something to make me well again. Frustrating with mental illness that healing is such a slow, slow, painfully slow process...

Tomorrow would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. That's something to be thankful for: divorce! At one point many years ago I told my therapist I left him for nothing, that I was wrong about him being a child abuser (even though it was a loveless marriage)...she said, no, not nothing, that something was wrong for me to feel that way so I probably made the right decision...man oh man, when my suspicions turned out to be correct, I was so relieved I had divorced him! So I am thinking about that in the context of my ex-boyfriend, that at times he was great, but at times he was a total jerk, somewhat emotionally and slightly verbally abusive, and after all the hurt I suffered throughout the relationship, in the long run, I'm better off without him...even though at times, I feel intensely lonely...I am so sorry I ever got involved...and that's yet another thing that makes me not want to take any risks...

I'm just afraid. So afraid of being hurt, that I'm not truly living...just existing and trying every little thing I can to comfort myself in my lingering hurt from the past...

Wow! Really long post! Thanks for reading!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I can understand the feeling of existing rather than living, and being frightened that you won't ever be able to get back to really living. Sometimes, I'm reminded of a character from a film I saw who said to another character: " You exist to maintain your existence. What's the point? "
When I feel like this I feel that it's important to remember the progress that I HAVE made. It may seem that we're not moving forward, but looking back over time we are. ( At least that's what I tell myself, when I feel panicky! )
Also, I often remember something that I was told by a hospital care worker. Relaxation isn't something to " force " yourself to do, try to think of relaxation as something you " allow " yourself to do. I think the same might well be true of other things as well. When I feel nervous about something I try not to " force " myself to do it, but just let " allow " myself to do it, let myself " drift " in the direction that I want to go.
Instead of feeling nervous about going back to work tomorrow ( And worrying about the 10 X 209 to the fourth power things that I'm nervous might go wrong! ) I just concentrate on getting up, getting on the right bus, getting off at the right bus stop, and walking into the building, and letting my working day sort itself out from there... ( And, if I sound as if that's easy, I'm lying, but I'm trying to " go with the flow " than see everything as an obstacle course... )
Be good to yourself, I like to think that we'll all muddle through! ( " They " may have me outnumbered, but I've got them confused!!!! )

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks ((((((((((tacking))))))))))))! I don't know how to go with the flow it seems, something I need to learn!

I have eaten fruit today so far, but no refined sugars or bread, and I do not feel anxious as of yet....yay!

I am feeling so relieved on what would have been my anniversary. That my ex-husband one time tried to kill me, was emotionally abusive and sometimes cruel, and threatened me and my little dog to the point I called a domestic violence shelter seeking protection...yet I still years later thought I made a mistake in leaving him shows how low then my self-esteem and how pathetic, that that treatment was acceptable somehow. Those things alone should have been enough for me to leave him, yet it took thinking he was abusing young girls -- someone else -- to give me strength to walk! I feel very grateful right now that I am divorced.

Yet I still have a long way to go when I realize how lousy my ex-boyfriend treated me, but I stuck with him. So I do know in my head at the moment, as Amy says, he gave me "the gift of goodbye." All those years of working on myself and staying away from romantic relationships, and yet when I did finally get involved, it was with someone toxic. I forgive myself partially, because he did lie a bit about himself in the beginning, but there was an early warning sign I ignored and so I am a little angry with myself for not getting out earlier, not loving myself enough to put my foot down, in my forties...not like when I was a kid being abused...at some point as an adult if I put up with it, I share blame. I know he is very sick, so I gave him a lot of leeway, but even when we are ill we are still, or should be, responsible for how we treat others....or at least accept the consequences. I should have gotten out. I realize how much I deteriorated throughout the relationship, and a lot of it I believe was in part BECAUSE of the relationship.

I am going to do everything I can to get better. Slow process, and just starting now with minor changes in eating habits....I know if I try to do everything at once I will fail, so I'm going to go slow and just make minor adjustments...but I've got to start somewhere. And today I will start going up on the wellbutrin.

I want a life again.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit that I take a rather more " fundamentalist " view of people who commit crimes of abuse. I think that people are very much responsible for their actions. So, I would tend to disagree that you share blame for the way that your boyfriend treated you.
Your boyfriend may well have taken advantage of your depression and low self-esteem to get away with how he treated you, but I'm not at all sure that that means that you share the blame for what he did. ( By the Grace of God, I've never experienced abuse, so I'm not going to claim any real knowledge of such things, I can only give you my " gut instinct " on things. )
Perhaps I'm approaching this from a very " human rights " standpoint. In classic human rights theory all human beings have certain inherent, inalienable and universal human rights, and if those rights are violated the guilt lies entirely with the violator not the victim.
For example, if someone were to be tortured the course of a " secret police " interrogation, that would be a prima facie crime, an obvious breach of their most basic human rights. The " secret policeman " who tortured them would bear the entire guilt for his action, his crime. There is no justification he could make for what he did, and he could not in any way assign any part of his guilt to the victim.
Or, for example if someone was to rob a bank, the bank robber might take advantage of the bank staff being preoccupied or busy, they might take advantage of the bank perhaps not being able to afford the most expensive security system, they might take advantage of the bank having a power-cut to it's alarm system. But, at the end of the day, the whole moral responsibilty for the bank being robbed would lie with the bank robber not the bank.
I think that you are certainly right in saying that you are well out of that relationship! You are certainly right wnen you say that it's best to take things slowly and carefully making small gradual adjustments. It's what I'm doing. ( At least as best As I can! )
( PS I hope this post makes sense, like most men I'm afraid i'm rather clumsy sometimes when it comes to talking about emotional issues. )

[Mich]

It makes me sad that you blame yourself for the abuse you suffered. You were not at all to blame. I am glad that you are free of relationships that hurt you. It takes a long time to trust again but I believe you can get there. I think about you often and wonder how you are doing during the day. I am glad to hear that you are taking steps to eat better and that you are trying an increase in Wellbutrin. It is wonderful to see that you are taking steps to help yourself. Peace and love, Mich.

[shatteredhopes]

Thanks (((((((((((Mich, Tacking)))))))))) on some level I know you are right, I am just so angry with myself, so regret not getting out sooner before I suffered so much hurt and the big hurt at the end. He was making small changes and seemed to be working on his anger issues and some other things and I stupidly thought my patience and understanding would be rewarded with us having a happy life together...as there were some really, really good parts of the relationship, but he was Jekyll/Hyde in the way he behaved a lot and I really think now that he just didn't truly love me, he just sort of used me to avoid being alone while he was getting over his ex-girlfriend and wife...for instance he was still writing lost love poetry 9 months into our relationship; I tried to be understanding but it really hurt; last time I was with him he admitted he still loved his wife, although he backtracked and said he loved her he just wasn't in love with her, but I suspect that's why the divorce was never finalized, not just because of his kids. I was the one who encouraged him to befriend his wife and get on good terms with her again for the sake of the kids that even though the marriage was over, they could be friends and work together in mutual interest in the kids. Now I feel so betrayed, realizing maybe he did really still love her, the marriage ended because she no longer loved him.

He wasn't physically unfaithful as far as I know, but emotionally he was very much so. For instance, he ignored my birthday but sent his ex-girlfriend a card for hers (she broke up with him) and accidently it slipped out he had done that...at the same time he was writing her lost love poetry...he carried on with a woman on line in private chats who was flirting with him saying his writing was "sexy" at the same time as he was shutting me out for a while. He would get angry and say something nasty to or about me and hang up on me and not speak to me for days and I would think we were broken up. He broke up with me a number of times, but we previously got back together quickly. He was writing poetry to other women he met on line, some of it bordering on flirting and emotional infidelity. Then if I asked about whether he was messaging this person and carrying on private conversations, he would say I was being petty and insecure. Yet I knew he had a long history of being unfaithful in previous relationships...when he was with his wife he was carrying on online with the one who became his girlfriend after he left and visiting ladies of the evening while out on cruise...then the whole time he was with his ex-girlfriend he, unknown to her, was listed on dating sites and checking out propective women...he was flirting with me, and I didn't know at the time he had a girlfriend. There are just so many memories seeping into my mind and hurting all over again. How could I love someone who treated me poorly? I didn't mean to start to get into the specifics but I am anonymous and I won't share his name, and it helps to talk/write it out. He just seemed to be getting better then bang, outa no where he snaps at me hangs up calls two days later and breaks up with me because he wanted to work on himself but was quickly writing love poetry to someone else on line. So many hurts. His anger issues were awful. He could turn so nasty and say hurtful things with such contempt, it hurt so much. It hurt so much the way he ran every time there was the slightest disagreement instead of talking things through like responsible adults. He once asked me to marry him, and I said yes and told my mom and then best friend and then he immediately changed his mind and didn't want to be engaged. That was crushing...It is so painful to love someone so much who at times is just awful to you. And it was confusing, because sometimes he was wonderful...its like he had a split personality.

Anyway, don't mean to bore you just feeling really sad tonight. I have a few regrets in my life, and that I got involved with him was a big one, because I had been through sooooo much in the previous few years, I couldn't afford any more pain and was just starting to rebuild...so here I am having start over yet again, and its taken me almost six months since the break up to start to try to change my life again. I had just been hurt so badly by so many in such a short stretch of time, I wish I had never gotten involved with him.

I really struggle with the suicidal ideation. My days and nights are so empty and most often just filled with memories as my present is void of much meaning and I don't see a real future worth hoping for anymore. So even when not triggered, old painful memories just pop up in my mind and cripple me emotionally...start me on a downward spiral where I just stay in the bed and sulk cry or feel crushing pain in my chest.

I did jot down a few thoughts for my novel (thanks to tacking for inspiring me!). I need to get busy doing something, and I am going to contact that employment counselor and look online for stuff to see if there's anyway I can get some part time work or something that would be flexible I could do from home to earn a little extra money.

I just don't know if I'll make the political meeting tomorrow. If in the shape I am now, I won't be able to go...but hopefully will get good night's sleep and maybe feel better in morning.

Just so tired of hurting. Wish I could just erase some memories. Seems the bad memories are so vivid and the good ones are just hard to surface and when they do they lead to bad ones...painful memories just linger and have so much power to pollute my present.