What turned my life to hell.

[Eternal Chaos]

I was not sure how to write this down so read some posts and here goes.

In 2005 i was diagnosed with post natal depression. i got help and finally came off medication and things were going well till last year.

In aug 2008 our neighbours son(18) decided to assault my daughter(13), he was taken to court Since then the father has harrassed us to the max.

But this year 5 mths ago he drove at me in his car nearly hitting me and terrifying the crap out of me.I was 16 weeks pregnant with my son whos twin brother died at 6 weeks.Caleb-Joseph died as a result of the car inncident and since that day i do not want anythign to do with life. I have a good husband and kids who also feel my pain and hurt, but even now i cannot bring myself to aid in there needs. I no longer feel alive in side and to be honest death seems a good release.

I cannot get over the face of my son and his little lifeless body, its tearing my heart and life apart. what keeps me going, my children because they neem mum, but who the hell do i turn to now, i am drowing in pain and hurt, im engulfed in feelings of great emptiness and as the day approaches that my son should have been brought into this world nears my hurt grows.
I crinbge when i see pregnant women or new born babies.I want my life back and my son but its not possible.

please helpxxxx

[xn728]

hi eternal chaos ,i really dont know what to say ,im a man with a loving
family ,,when my wife and i were in our20,s we had our first daughter
about 2 years later fran my wife became pregnant again ,the babie was around 4 mnths when the cancer that grew on that small child and killed it
that pain was unimaginable ,and i can only think that what you feel must be simaler if not worse ,,as for your next door niebour ,i to had the niebour from hell ,and the things he did were all done on the sneek ,so no one else could ever see ,this make you feel insecure ,it make your home feel vunerable and is a cause of great anxiety ,,i can only tell you this in the hope that you feel alittle comfort that i understand ,and the feelings of loneliness and not wanting to carry on many of us here feel that pain ,
i can only offer you words the only gift i have to offer ,but give it to you i will freely ,,this is a long hard road we walk ,and sometimes the darkness offers to end this torment for us ,but if this is presented to you ,then you must turn your back on that demon and walk away ,the depression will talk to you and whisper in your mind ,it will tell you life is worthless ,and your self esteem will be lowered,ignore these whispers ,stop and turn around and see how far you have come ,,dont think of death who told you it would be a reliese ,i am not aware of anyone ever returning from the place we call death and telling us it was a reliese or peaceful either ,if fact death may be a torment greater than we feel now ,,and you may hears the never ending cries of your family forever greiving for the mother and wife they had lost if you took that step ,,so turn around now and turn your back on these dark thoughts ,,if you should stumble on this journey you make ,call out ,and if you listen you will hear me call out to you so you may know you are not alone ,and if i may say that your son whom you greive for so much Caleb-Joseph is with all the time ,he is the air that you breath and the warmth of his soul you will feel in the summer sun ,
be brave my dear freind ,stay safe ,, hugs xn728 ken

[Eternal Chaos]

Thanks for your reply xn728.

The hardest part for me was putting in in writing, seeing the words just made me cry, im sitting here in my front room with the kids running around like loonies and all i can do is cry in quiet, i cant show them what im feeling they are too little to understand.

My oh has his way of dealing with things, but i always feel like im alone with this. None of them can truely understand what or how i feel, i delivered my son and had to let him go, i cannot forget it, it was the most horrendous thing ever.
What made it worse was i carried him for 6 days after the scan
because of my blood type and a cockup at the hospital so i suffered more than i should have.

Why am i venting on you, you have done me no harm, but this is how i feel. i want to scream kick and shout at the man that caused this, the man that goes out with his family and leads a normal life, he does not even know what he has done and because of ASB investigations which are under way i cannot do nothing, i see him smuggly walking around with his head up high, where i dont want to leave the security of my home.

I have thought many times of suicide and got help for that, but its getting harder to stay in touch with reality.

I came across this site 4 mths ago and have just now picked up the courage to post.
I am not alone i know that now by reading others posts, but i still feel alone, and that is what i dont understand, i have my hubby and kids and still feel alone and isolated.

[xn728]

its ok just let it go ,you cannot hurt me ,the man who walk so smuggly now ,he will fall ,,your loneliness is something you will have to work on ,i dont tell my family about my illness to protect them ,,i think once you have got used to us here you may feel a little less lonely ,close your eyes and look with your mind ,you may soon see me and other stood at your side ,in time of need ,use the mind that trys to destroy you ,to give yourself some comfort and understanding ,we who suffer all have this gift within us ,maybe you just need to find yours ,,if you like some other time
we.ll walk this road together ,and it might not seem so bad ,,look around the forum ,read some of our pain ,let me carry your pain for a while so that you may rest ,im not afraid ,,,stay safe my dear freind Eternal Chaos
hugs ken ,,,xn728

[Eternal Chaos]

you made me cry again with your words.

I believe in walking the road of truth but its not so easy.
my smugg reason for me being like this lives right next door, his garden over sees mine and i have no escape, i go outside with the kids and hes there, can i move no i should not have to, do i want to move, no why should i.
iam now realising how much hate i have for this man and how much hurt he has caused me. It started out 3 years ago and its never stopped, the harrassment from him and his family, there is no end to this.

I will deal with the problems i have square in the face and hide it well, but inside im dead already, i need to come back to the person i was 3 years ago.

Luckily i dont drink so dont have to worry about that becoming a part of my life once more. I gave up drinking 20 years ago when i gave m oldest daughter to my mum as i could no longer live without a drink, ive been sober since and shes still my girl, infact i should be a granny on sunday.but instead of feeling happy about this im jealous, im scared of what im going to feel when my grandson is born....im screwed up..

[xn728]

the guy who lived next door to me ,made our life hell for 20 years ,i had cats killed ,cars damaged ,,could never prove it ,,made my already bad depression even worse i know its hard to deal with ,but no matter how weak you feel this person must not win ,i wish i could help you more ,
if you could prove these things maybe you could sort him out ,in the end
my tormenter ,got cancer and became weak and die very quicky ,in the 6 mnths before he died i help him and his wife in lots of differant ways ,did i forgive him NO NEVER but i love all life man and beast ,and as you see from this forum i seem to have given myself a task ,,this to causes me pain ,but maybe this is the way ,i may be forgiven one day ,,,,,,welcome to our family ,you can never be alone now ,,because i will always think of you be very safe ,im sure there is something better for you in the coming year ,,,,,,wishes hugs xxx ken

[xn728]

i like leo ,,,i have 3 ferrets/polecats boris /henry /billy hugs ken

[Eternal Chaos]

im sorry to hear that you had to put up with it for so long, its been bad enough for 3 years but the thought of 20 god help me, if there was one.

I have a court case to deal with in january because of his lies, in scotland you only need 2 witness statements to be charged, we as a family are up against 4 numnuts who are liers, manipulaters and horrid people inside.

but i know my day in court will come, but my unrest will never leave, even if i get the chance to tell the man what hes done, would i want him to know, to gloat about the fact,to know he knows how much hes hurt me and my family.

The one good hing about all this is i know that my family will always be there, my worries is i dont want them, i have hell on one shoulder and hell on the other, where is my gaurdian, the onlooker of all things i do, was i so bad that i deserve what life is throwing at me.

i feel like im babbling and ruining your new year, but heck it feels good to get it out...thanks ken for that third shoulder, it was surprisingly easy to lean on..

[xn728]

hello again .listen you know nothing of my pain .i do know how you feel
ive been depressed 43 years since i was seven ,look around and find some of my storys ,,new year means nothing to me ,ill be asleep soon
lithium knocks me out ,and tommorrow will be just another day ,
just stop right now ,and think how you feel ,,,yes you do feel a little better dont you ,see there is a little light ,,its nice to know you live in england
well you know what i mean the british ilse ,,ive enjoyed this chat ,anything you ever want to ask ,just do so ,im open and honest ,
ok good hugs ken xxx

[Mich]

My mind is withered from the depression and so cannot offer any wise words. I feel the pain in your posts and am so sorry these things have happened to you. I have not lived through that kind of horror but can imagine how painful it would be. Please know that my heart goes out to you and your family. I am glad you have found the courage to post here. There are many here that will support you and walk beside you.

[Eternal Chaos]

Thanks i have been reading some of your posts,

i see youre from yorkshire, i doubt you would be so please as im from the other county, born in Bolton, lancs lass..

Thanks leo is a stunner, hes now 3 mths old and does very well. ive never had contacts with ferrets..

sleep well my friend, a new dawn awaits you.EC..

[Eternal Chaos]

My mind is withered from the depression and so cannot offer any wise words. I feel the pain in your posts and am so sorry these things have happened to you. I have not lived through that kind of horror but can imagine how painful it would be. Please know that my heart goes out to you and your family. I am glad you have found the courage to post here. There are many here that will support you and walk beside you.

thank you for your kind words, i also will be walking beside all others whos pain is theres alone.. may they find a site like this to open up.
I sit here watching my children playing, my hubby chilling out and i am here with people who understand what i feel and undertand where i am.

Than you all very muchxx

[xn728]

it does not matter were your from we are all equal ,,i have no beef with anything or any body ,im just glad you have found us here ,the family you have now is a very large one and we /i will give you as much support as we can ,,,,,dont forget ,,never alone ,and if you should stumble .you will feel my hand steady you and this long road ,,hugs ken xxx PS i use to work in bolton for around five years ,,,used to drive up and down daily
had some good freinds there ,,,,it was in keirsley ,,,may have spelt it wrong ,,,the place was case ,poclain tractors ,,,,,,,bye ken