here's my story

[jonathan]

Without getting too long winded, I'll try to describe how I got here.

Over the past about two years, I've slowly but surely eliminated all the friendships I'd developed in college. I lost contact with them all, so now I'm left with no one. I think it's gradually become depression over the last few months. I have no one to talk to, and I feel so alone at the moment. On top of this, I'm gay, and that adds just a whole other level to it. I'm not comfortable with myself, I'm very self-conscious around people, and have issues with being confident - I think this stems from bullying I had to put up with in middle school. I've always been really worried about coming out and all, but I've always kept it under control. I feel like I've gotten away from myself.

I don't know who I am, and this is stressing me out because I graduate soon. I'm scared out of my mind about what I'm going to do once I'm out of school, and everyone keeps asking me about it.

Yesterday and today have been really rough. I literally woke up a little while ago feeling terrible. I just really have no idea what to do about it, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope here. I only have class 2 days a week, and beyond that I'm closed up in my room most of the time. I've lost a lot of weight over the last year or so, and my appetite's definitely gone.

I've always had problems with social anxiety I realize now, but I've always been an optimistic person too. Somehow I've lost that.

I think the problem was exacerbated and my depression came to a head over the last month or so. I met someone who I really like, but the relationship may not work out because of his own worry of being accepted by his family and friends (same situation as I have actually, but his is more complicated; and I'd be willing to make it work), and he's still figuring himself out too.

I can't figure out what's caused what, but there's definitely three problems here: my social anxiety, my depression, and my orientation. I wonder if I could figure it out if I'd feel better.

I just feel like I've lost control over everything. I've never been good at figuring things out for myself, I've always been told what to do. I live with my parents still and I'd see a doctor but one, I don't want to talk to my parents about it, and two, I'm skeptical of prescription medicine. So whatever help or advice I could get here would be appreciated, even if it's just a little encouragement.

[crystalgaze]

Hhmm.... I'm just going to throw some stuff out there, so you can think about it.

#1 About not knowing who you are.... I'm not sure you'll really know, before you graduate.

I graduated & 4 years ago, I still don't know who or what I am exactly. The most I can say right now about it is that I'm a series of blood vessels, blood + organs, encased in a skin.

The only thing I could do was to stop stressing about it over time. What I can come up with, after a 2nd thought, is: I am me--whatever that is....

I'll just encourage you to look around the forum now & in the different sections to see if there isn't something that's already on here that might help.

#2 About being scared of what to do.... well, what's your major? Is it job-specific? Do you want to try for job experience/an internship? ???

#3 Perhaps the different stresses in your life are part of why you're not so optimistic any more?

#4 Perhaps you may want to work on yourself before working on a relationship? (like you don't want to spread yourself too thin? Of course, I am NOT saying to break up or any thing.)

#5 It might be worth going to a doctor.... at least to address the weight loss & just to make sure you're not really very sick any where & don't know it. A psychologist can help give you strategies to combat what your dealing with.... A simple " Mom! I've lost a lot of weight & I don't feel too good." might be a way to get the ball rolling.

Right now, I don't go to one, but I have gone in the past & found it to be at least a little helpful.

#6 Being holed up in the room.... Ah, yes, I did that too in college.... Perhaps going outside a little every day can help? You can set small goals, like taking a walk around the block, etc. & building up to bigger things....

Take care, ok? I hope some of what I've written is helpful to you....

[xn728]

hi there jonathan
i think once youve looked around the forum and red about differant
things it will settle you a little ,not cure you of course ,but knowing
that your not alone helps ,you can let it all go here and no one will
judge you ,i was a punk during the seventies ,i had lots of gay freinds
at that time ,a gay activist at that time tom robinson ,glad to be gay and all that ,did a lot for the gay movement then .anyway what im trying to say is the people i knew ,were just normal people ,but what made them differant to me because they were gay ,they were more loving ,polite ,
and understanding ,than any other freinds i had ever known,i know you to have these gifts .so welcome home xn728,,,,ken

[lisalou]

hiya jonathan,i'm afraid i'm feeling too rough myself at the moment to think of anything intelligent or helpful to say other than welcome to this website and i hope you find it as supportive as i have and hopefully i can be of assistance in the future in helping you learn how to manage your depression and anxiety

Lisa x

p.s my dad is gay and i am SO proud of him. and well done to you for realising it and being honest with yourself now and not leaving it till your 40's and letting it eat away at you like he did. he is now happily settled down with his partner of 10years (they are both called alan! confusing!) and i'm sure you will one day find the same love

[jonathan]

Thanks for all the kind words!

@crystal

#1 I appreciate your advice on this. I should realize it's probably just human nature to want to know yourself better.

#2 My major is political science. I have a genuine interest in politics, I love watching news and coverage of elections and stuff. But now that I'm a senior, I wonder if I chose the wrong major. It's not very job-specific. I don't want to run for office, journalism's an option but that doesn't feel like me, law school maybe, but I'm sick of school. Hopefully I can find something.

#3 It's a possibility. It's just all my thoughts are negative. I need some sort of self confidence. I'm always worried about how I look, anytime I'm in public. I never feel comfortable with what I'm wearing, I feel like everyone stares.

#4 It's not really a relationship at the moment. He's defined us as friends. But he's told me he is attracted to me, and not just physically. But he's finding it hard to move forward. It's more complicated than I've said, but I'm not here for relationship advice, so unless you think it's relevant I won't go into it. If so, I'd rather do it more personally than on here. But his putting up a wall has somehow brought my issues to a head.

#5 I'll think about the doctor thing. I like your suggestion about what to say to mom. She's expressed worry over it before. So I'll think more about it.

#6 I walk when I can. I've started walking to/from class instead of taking the bus. I do feel a bit better afterwards. I'm thinking of starting to jog in my neighborhood. Especially when I wake up so early in the mornings. I have no problem going to sleep, but I sleep for a few hours then I wake up and it's mostly dozing.

@xn

Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it.

@Lisa

I'd love to talk to you more and hear your advice. I'm not out yet, and I don't really know how long until I am. But I'm trying to come to terms with it myself. It's eaten away at me for a long time. It's like everything's come together to this point and I finally need to sort through it.

[blueisgreen]

Hi Jonathan,

Thanks for your honesty. It is a pleasure to get to know you even just slightly through this forum.
You sound like such a smart and sensitive individual. I wonder if you might graduate and try moving to a gay friendly area of the country. In a place like NYC, you would find loads of support, and could easily get work as a waiter while figuring out a good career path or what would interest you to pursue.
I hope that you find the strength to graduate with your head held high.
Continue fighting the good fight. Be strong. Believe in yourself and all that
you have to offer. I can tell that you are an amazing and special person.
Be well.

- Blue

[jonathan]

Thanks Blue. It's nice to hear your advice and words. I hope to continue to hear more from you as I keep posting.

[Mich]

Jonathan - welcome to the forum. I am severely depressed and have trouble coming up with advice for people but I wanted you to know I read your story and you seem like such a warm and caring person. I am sad that you are suffering. Please keep posting and sharing. There are a lot of us here for support.