The last one

[Snowbear]

Some people, if they're lucky, get to experience love, acceptance and support. Others, perhaps less fortunate, spend their lives missing out on these things. But then there are those who know what it feels like to be genuinely hated, unwanted and shamed, even after giving every last bit of themselves to make things work, even when they don't understand what they've done wrong or why they can't seem to get even the basics in life.

Nothing was ever enough. Not for him. Not for her. Not for them.

Constant bullying, ghosting, indifference, hatred, lies and drama etc. Months of longing, waiting, chasing, looking for answers and hoping things would change, only to realise that they never would. It has taken so much out of me, leaving me almost unstable and lifeless. All I ever wanted was to be seen, to be heard, to belong somewhere. To have someone believe in me, accept me for who I am and not leave me alone with the worst parts of myself and shut me off, especially when dealing with them has already been overwhelming enough in real life. But having a support system like that is just so hard to find. And lately, I heard something I suppose I needed to hear all along. Something that seemed to explain why I never felt like I belonged, even when people acknowledged that I had some worth. Because some people like me are just doormats. We've been used so often and walked over so many times that we've somehow lost the dignity and sense of self-worth that every human being deserves and that is another reason why we are dismissed. Like something broken, diseased or plagued that nobody wants to come near or have anything to do with. Something people would rather pity from a distance than actually be around, let alone try and fix.

A lost cause. A failed case.

And perhaps, that was the realisation I needed to finally break the cycle. I realise I don't have anything left in me to keep repeating the same cycle of hurt and drama that began years ago. I'm tired of trying, tired of explaining myself and tired of feeling like my very existence is more of a burden than anything else, even when I've given everything I had. I just want the cycle to end. I want to be done waiting for things to change. I want to stop feeling like I have to apologise for simply breathing, for existing around other people. What is it that I've done so wrong that I can't seem to survive alongside others?

This takes me back to about two years ago, to exactly how I felt with someone in real life when I first came here. And today, I'm leaving with that very same feeling. So there it goes. Full circle!

And my conclusion here is this: life goes on. People might change, situation might change. But the way they make you feel stays just the same. The history repeats itself. The consequences remain the constant. The things that are supposed to be basic in life somehow remain out of reach for some of us no matter how much one tries. And eventually, they get so tired of trying to keep up with life when they have so little support, so little hope and nothing left, that's when they finally give up.

And that's that. That was me.